Reality Check

I guess life is just that all about the reality check.  Jose and I got one earlier this week in regards to Eva and her condition.  Being with her on a daily basis I can forget that she was given this terminal diagnosis.  Maybe its that I want to forget that time is limited with her in this life.  Last weekend Eva had a really tough time, she had an increase in seizures and fevers.  Some of her seizures even seemed a bit more violent, but they were non-stop, that meant non-stop sleepless nights for her.  She was so weak afterward and just not all there, her breathing was more shallow and she looked lethargic .  Her hospice nurse came to see her and told us that Eva's breathing pattern had changed and that was not a good sign.  She told us that it was a possible pattern of deterioration.  Again, Jose and I were sent back into our reality of how fragile her life is.  Don't get me wrong, our daughter is not "fragile", she is a tough little girl.  She is a fighter, hey she takes after her mom!  It is so hard to see your little one go through that, I didn't sleep for four nights, if she wasn't sleeping neither was I.  Margaret, our nurse told us that she could have only a week left.  Margaret also told us babies make liars out of doctors all the time and that she hoped Eva would make a liar out of her.  We increased her comfort medications and well, we discussed it with our families and Jose and I had the very uncomfortable conversation about, "what will we do, when 'IT' happens.  It was a rough beginning of the week.

Well the week is not totally over, but Eva has seemed to respond positively to her medication and she has gotten well needed rest.  Consequently, she seems her former self, strong and beautiful.  She has been sleeping well with the minimum seizure activity, for her any way.   I stare at her when she sleeps.  Is it possible to love someone this much?  I just want to be grateful for having this long.  I know we will be sad when she's gone but I genuinely want to think of her and feel happy, not pain.  Is that possible?  Is that achievable when you lose a child?  Well, here more pictures of our little one from this last week.  She is amazing!!  I wish all of you could get to hold her, I hope the pictures are of consolation. 

Love Los Pena