So many updates...but I'll start here!

Well, I think I'm going to take it as a compliment that so many people have been scolding me for not updating my blog. Well, so much has happened since I last posted. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and I can't believe that our bouncing baby boy is so close to joining our family! Can you believe I'm going to be a mother of two, just two years ago I was a newlywed and now I am going to be a mother of two!! Well, to be fair I am going to learn more about day to day baby stuff from our son, but I know that I have certainly learned how to love like a mother from Eva!

The last few months have been a blur, Jose is now done with school for the summer and for once taking a long deserved break. He will hold off from taking the MCAT and applying for medical school this summer in order to focus more on us and on him. He seems really happy with his decision and that makes me happy with his decision. Eva has continued to have eating issues, we just have not been able to get the throwing up under control, we blame the seizures, acid reflux but really we know that due to her condition there will always be something. I have stated in past posts that, I don't want to fix my daughter, but I would love to make her comfortable. She is such a brave girl who teaches all of us every day. Eva is still weighing only 11lbs and quite small, she is about 26 inches...but the cutest little princess you will ever see!

Just this last week we went to see the pediatric surgeon to talk about Eva's options for g-tube, a g-tube or a gastric (another word for stomach) feeding tube is a tube inserted through a small incision in the abdomen into the stomach and is used for long-term feeding. While we visited with the doctor he suggested that she get a Nissen fundoplication as well. The Nissen fundoplication is basically an extra step to ensure Eva will not throw up, what it does is improves the natural barrier between the stomach and the esophagus by wrapping a part of the stomach known as the gastric fundus around the lower esophagus. It will prevent the flow of acids from the stomach into the esophagus and strengthens the valve between the esophagus and stomach. We have scheduled the surgery for this upcoming Tuesday, May 11th at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City. It is supposed to be a very routine and simple surgery (for the surgeon...lol), it will be done laparoscopically, which is by a very tiny incision to accommodate small tubes, a passageway for special surgical instruments and a laparoscope. A laparoscope is a fiber-optic instrument that is inserted in the abdominal wall, it sends images from the stomach to a video monitor, so the surgeon can operate with those special surgical instruments. Ok that was a basic explanation but as sophisticated as I get! As of today, we scheduled Eva to have the g-tube with the Nissen fundoplication but Jose and I have felt that we need to pray and make sure that it is still the right decision for her. Our surgeon was extremely reasonable in letting us schedule while we are still deciding on the lengthier part of the procedure. We have until the day of surgery to change our minds and only have the g-tube done. I know that makes me feel more in control. There is no fear like the one a parent feels to hand their child over to someone else, and just trust that they will make the best decisions from there on out. We feel really comfortable with our surgeon and his staff, the hospital seems great and those things really aid in comforting us. I know that the hand of the Lord is very much present because the fear that I have comes from my own brain, He is there to wrap His loving arms around Jose and I in reassurance that His plan is in full effect and no matter what happens He will always be there to comfort and love. I guess it makes me feel like Eva will never be alone, even though I won't be with her in surgery, its funny though, she is soooo much stronger than I could be. I look at that baby and she has no fear! She is the reason I guess I can't!

Well, since my last post I have also found out I have gestational diabetes. Boy does it bite to have a restriction of diet when you crave all the wrong things, I am forced to practice discipline, a lesson I have greatly needed. So we are back seeing the perinatologist, I am getting weekly non-stress tests to check on the baby. They basically hook me up to a monitor and monitor for contractions, baby movement, heart rate etc... I just lay there for about an hour and get to listen to our son! Its not cool to go to the doctor every week but its so wonderful and soothing to be able to hear our baby! I also am getting monthly ultrasounds. My sugars are doing pretty good, I have some bad readings but they are not bad by much, and I usually know exactly why! I do know, however, that once you have had gestational diabetes the chance of getting it in subsequent pregnancies is pretty darn high, as well as getting it later in life. Healthy eating habits and exercise are not only essential but life saving! Well, I know that I have been steadily gaining weight (and being pregnant for two years doesn't help) but this has certainly been an eye opener. Of the four risk factors I meet all four, being older than 30 (some sites say 25 years), family history, being overweight (which kills me, cause if you knew me from before I was always very thin, with no effort), and Race - Hispanic!

Well, I can't really complain about any part of our situation, there are too many blessings around to do that! This post is quite long and I have still so many other amazing things to talk about. I'll have to post that a little later...but we did have wonderful baby shower in Tucson for our son and it was amazing and fun! Eva's hair is growing like a weed! I am as big as a house! All these pictures I have to post, soon I promise. Today is the beginning of my Mother's Day weekend and I have to go, I woke up to the most amazing little surprises and we are on our way to the Tulip Festival (my favorite flower), lunch (Brazilian...hmm meat!) and then our ward Mother's Day party and dance (Salsa, Merengue, Bachata...we'll see if I have any moves in me!)

Have a great Mother's Day weekend!!!

Los Peña

Its a Boy!!!!

Well I am now 23 weeks, this week and feeling great....really big but great! We had an amazing ultrasound experience with this baby! First of all...ITS A BOY!!! I know most of our family knows but this blog serves to let our far away friends know too. The nerves don't completely go away but we are definitely excited and so many things are going through our minds. Things that we let go when we got Eva's diagnosis. All the exciting things we anticipated for Eva like all the firsts, walking, first tooth, first words! I mean just to see a baby grow and change in months.

We are talking for the first time again, about discipline, vacations, schools, hopes and dreams for our baby. Its this whole exciting aftermath we just didn't have after Eva's ultrasound. I also can't stop thinking about our little Eva in this whole equation. I want to raise loving and compassionate children, ones that will love and care for their big sister. Again, as always, I have to say why Eva is such a blessing to our family, I know that she will make us all better people, better, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, neighbors and better Latter-day Saints!! I also feel that its time for us to buckle down on routine in our home, to make sure that our new son has the most normal life. I am so grateful to have a wonderful husband the father of my children, I am so grateful that, even though it has been difficult at times, I am able to be a stay home mom. I am truly grateful that (thus far) we have been on the same page in terms of our goals, Jose knows that I don't demand a new car, new things for our home, vacations or new clothes. And I know the same about him, we made our goals when we got married, we came to Utah for a purpose and we began our family in the same manner. We have not side tracked, we haven't been distracted YET! It's hard, I have to admit, not having "things" that we see others with, or sometimes to distinguish between needs and wants but really we have no worries, we have no unnecessary debt, he is moving forward with school as a top priority and we have been able to continue to build our family. As we have talked about this baby we almost almost convinced ourselves we needed a new car, a bigger car, I mean we will be a family of four. I have been looking comparing and figuring out the best way to buy this car/suv and pay it off before he graduates or by his first year of medical school. And then I went over to a friends house and they are having twins, did I say twins! They have there compact car and two car seats, its just what I needed to see to get perspective. We have a car that is paid off, first of all we have a car and its safe and it fits the needs of our family today. So needless to say, issue dropped, for now, until we can evaluate needs vs. wants again.

Every time I do want to worry, I pray, each and every prayer has been answered! I know how fortunate we are, we have luxuries that may not seem like luxuries to those that live "of the world" but those that "live in the world" and still strive to do what is ultimately best for their families, I know understand. We have a home, we have a loving, stable relationship, we have a growing family, and a loving extended family, we have a vehicle to get us to where we need to go, we have food always on the table...and did I say, love love love! So cheesy I know! There are a lot of new people I have met since moving out here and a lot of old friends I have reconnected with since facebook...lol...a lot of you I have on our blog list. I love to read your stories, on how you serve your families and especially you moms on how you strive to be the best example to your children. You are such an example to me! I love going to church every Sunday, it seems that when I'm looking to be reminded that we are on the right track there is some Sunday school or Relief Society lesson on that particular subject. This Sunday in Relief Society it was on Sacrifice. I was reminded that everyday decisions need to be made based on an eternal perspective not a mortal perspective and when we do that which is eternal we will always lived a blessed life, regardless of the trials!

We still have a lot that is too come, not just with a new baby but as always with Eva. She continues on hospice, which has been the best for us. She will soon be evaluated by a Peds GI doctor, just to make sure that there are no other problems and we also will soon be seeing a Peds Surgeon to start discussing Eva's g-tube. Which my understanding is pretty routine, its just not routine to us. I'm hoping to get it all done before I'm too big and the new baby comes. I really want to know what we're doing with Eva before I need to figure out what I'm doing with a newborn. Eva is doing well, she still is a little shrimp but as I talk to other HPE parents and see other HPE kids, Eva seems to be right on track. She is the same size as all the other kids with HPE at her age, she is about 11lbs and measures 26 inches and just holding steady. I expected that she would drop far behind the normal growth chart sooner or later. I know that whether the child is the most severe HPE or the least, it may not make a difference. It's all about the brain. At first I was worried but now I just realize that Eva is doing what Eva is supposed to be doing and I am proud of her. My daughter is different and I know that I will need to continue to remind myself of that when I want to compare her to other children.

I love my Heavenly Father, who, despite my imperfections, is so loving and merciful and has granted me all my hearts desires! I am grateful for my perfect daughter who teaches us everyday and I will continue to be thankful for every day we are blessed with her in our home. I know that Eva's time is limited here on earth, it maybe for a few more days, a few more months, or even a few more years but we will cherish every minute!

EVA'S GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER EVA'S GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER

Pictures of Youmna

Here are some pictures that my friend Hadeel sent me of Youmna and her brother and sister! What a sweet angel, may she rest in peace!

Youmna

This week my very good friend, Hadeel Sayyed, in Palestine had to say farewell to her sweet baby girl, Youmna. Youmna had Alobar Holoprosencephaly, the same condition as Eva, she had seizures and temperature problems. Youmna was only 2 weeks younger than Eva, she died just a few days shy of her 1st birthday. Hadeel is an absolutely wonderful mother, who went through things we could not imagine here in the States. She went months without being able to bring her baby home. Here in the states that may be the case for some parents but they have the luxury of visiting their child all day if they wanted to, they were never denied time with there little ones. When Youmna was in the NICU or their version of it, Hadeel was given a 2 hour time limit a day to see her little girl. When she wrote to me she shared how grateful she was to be with her even for that short amount of time, she never spent her time complaining, she shared her feelings, her feelings of longing to hold her child whenever she wanted to, she wanted to care for her child but was not allowed to. We have luxuries that others don't such as not having to go through check points with soldiers deciding whether you could pass or not, and making it impossible to see your baby in the hospital. The best hospital was far away from her home and there were soldier check points to go through, it was scary and you weren't sure everyday what They would decide about your travels. We are very fortunate to live in this country and have access to medical care that others do not. Hadeel actively sought help, she contacted other parents in the states to try and figure out how to help her little girl. She never whined or complained when her daughter was in the hospital for months without having access to her. We should be grateful for all this country affords us!

Hadeel had hard days and sought comfort from friends and family but always remained strong, she had two other children to take care of and a life that had to go on, regardless of her situation with her daughter. She is someone that I immediately felt a strong connection to, she never felt like she was the only one going through what she was going through, she was always sympathetic and concerned for others, she is such an example to me of what a mother should be, of what a woman should be. Womanhood, I believe, is defined by HoPE! Womanhood, is a woman who knows a difficult situation but does not seek pity, she looks only to improve the world around her. She sees life through hopeful and positive eyes. She is not superficial or juvenile.

To my very good friend Hadeel Sayyed....I love you, I admire you and someday my friend we will see each other in person but till then we will always be in touch!

Our Eva's turning 1!!!

On January 28th Eva will be 1 year old! I can't believe that our little girl is turning 1! So many things run through my mind when I think back a year ago and all that transpired and how this day seemed a million years away. We will be celebrating Eva's birthday on January 30th. One year to that date, we received the most horrible confirming news, her MRI results came back and she also had her first seizure that morning, they told us "your daughter has Alobar Holoprosencephaly and she does not have very long to live". I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Just two days prior we welcomed our baby girl into the world and where so excited and caught up with the new parent feeling, when they confirmed her diagnosis, told us to take her home and make as much memories we could because she had such little time left. Those words, were mind blowing, Jose and I have never hurt so much. Getting to her 1st birthday seemed impossible! But here we are, celebrating her year of life and still taking things one day at a time.

I know that being Eva's mom has changed me forever, it has changed me not only as a person but as a mother. I don't know what kind of mother I would be without having Eva, I guess I'll never know but I know that because of her I will cherish everyday with all of my [future] children. I know that I not only want to raise healthy, happy children, I want to raise loving, compassionate children who want to serve others. Eva definitely is a tough act to follow for any sibling and for us as parents! Because of her, I know the person I want to be (I'm still working everyday on that) and the people I want in my life.

I love looking at pictures of those first few days, months, I'm sure most mothers do, I can't believe how much she has changed. She hasn't really grown that much, she still is tiny, about the size of a 3 month old, but she has changed, she is my little woman! I love to see her with her dad and how he cuddles her and loves her. My big brother told me that, "having a child would make you forget the life you had and who you were before them". He said, "everything that you thought was important then would seem so ridiculous". And he was right, it is so much easier to make "me" decisions now, I just think of my daughter and who I want her to know I am and decision made! I don't know if it's because I'm an "older" mom or if its who I would always have been with kids but I just feel like this is my time to be a mother and its the best time of my life. I don't desire the things, places or people I did in my 20's. As most of you who knew me when...I was always out Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday etc...you get the picture, Me is all I cared about. I guess its a normal 20's thing, its all about how things will effect you, I think that Heavenly Father just knew I was too self-centered to find and appreciate a good husband or appreciate motherhood and its awesome responsibility so he made me wait. And I am very very grateful!

Your first child is special...as I'm sure the proceeding children will be...but this is the first experience you have with real real love! I remember after Eva was born looking at my husband in a different light, I saw him too with real real love, to know that together we brought this perfect little creature into the world and started our family, just made me love him more!

Happy Birthday Sweet girl...Thank you for choosing us to be your parents, I hope we make you proud!!!

Mommy and Pappa!!!

AT LAST

I just love the lyrics of the Etta James classic, "At Last":

At last

my love has come along

my lonely days are over

And life is like a song

Ooh, yeah, yeah

At last

The skies above are blue

my heart was wrapped up i clover

the night I looked at you

I found a dream

That I could speak to

a dream that I

Can call my own

I found a thrill

to press my cheek to

a thrill that I have never known

You smile

You smile

Ooh and then the spell was cast

And here we are in heaven

for you are mine at last

This song was one of mine and Jose's wedding songs, the other "Bendita la Luz", I blogged about in a previous post. The lyrics seemed so perfect in describing my husband and how I felt in finally meeting the man of my dreams. I spent many, many years making many, many mistakes in the relationship department and it was just as the song said, "...the skies above are blue, my heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you..."

These lyrics and this song touched me once again when my beautiful little girl was born! I swear I could hear the words and song in my head the first time I saw her. Every time I listen to this song I am reminded that I am living every desire/dream I had. My prayers answered. The dream isn't an exact replica of what I had seen but every single important detail is there. This summer I will turn 35, I just celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary, my little girl will be 1 year old at the end of this month and a new baby will be joining our family this summer. I could never have imagined at 30 years old that only 5 years later I would have the love of my life and the family I dreamed of, "...I found a dream that I could speak to; A dram that I can call my own; I found a thrill to rest my cheek to; A thrill that I have never known...And here we are in heaven for you are mine At last"

I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven, that despite my imperfections granted me my hearst desire, I am so grateful for a loving, dedicated and hard-working husband who cherishes and loves his Father in Heaven and is equally dedicated to doing His work!

Happy New Year!

Los Peña

Christmas...let me tell you why I love it!

I'll have to be honest, I never was a real big fan of Christmas. I have always appreciated the meaning of the season, however, the extreme commercialism was just a big turn off. Nothing bad happened to me as a child or anything. No sad Christmas', I don't have some traumatic story or anything, I just grew tired of the shopping, shopping, shopping (PS..I'm not a big fan of shopping either) and the asking, asking, asking for everything. The commercials were also a little much, everything on TV is a must have item, I mean really how many toys does a kid need. So, of course, I marry Mr. "I love Christmas". Soon after we were married I had to break it to my husband that I am not a fan of Christmas, he was shocked and appalled, how can anyone not be a fan of Christmas?! Let me tell you the greatest thing about my husband, he grew up in a humble home, not poor but humble, so he didn't love Christmas because that's when you got great gifts and everything you wanted. He loved Christmas truly because of the meaning and the spirit that Christmas represented, Christmas day he loves to read the story of the birth of Christ from the bible; the humble beginnings of our Savior. And caroling, he loves Christmas music. In my whole life I have not had better Christmas' then I have had these last two years with my husband. This year there were no gifts, we didn't open any presents on Christmas morning but it was the best Christmas ever! Ah...please don't play any sad songs for us, I am serious it was the best Christmas ever, PRESENTS DO NOT MAKE A CHRISTMAS!! We unpacked boxes and cooked up a storm we played holiday music and Skyped with family. No,I'm not delusional, I know I'm a mother and I know that someday we will have money and we won't always be this poor and seeing the joy in my child's eyes will make me melt but these last two years and the next few poor years that follow I guess I want to learn how to instill in our children that Christmas is about family, good friends, making things like food or treats to give away, love and especially time together remembering the birth of our Savior! Traditions, like tamales, pozole, bunuelos are also pretty good!! I really want those gifts to be secondary, Santa to be a wonderful story but not someone to really believe in, kind of like Mickey Mouse or the Princesses. I know don't shoot me because I said no Santa. I didn't grow up with the whole Santa story, actually I believe most Latin children didn't.

So, can someone change you? Yes! I have come to love this holiday and the true spirit that surrounds it, I have also come to learn to stay away from the mall and if there are going to be gifts, getting them slowly through out the year is best...holiday shoppers are crazy...LOL!

Merry CHRISTmas Everyone!! We hope your holiday was filled with love, family, friends and traditions!!

Los Pena