tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3309725382226024892024-02-29T00:26:03.702-07:00Los PeñaLos Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-53651356962729274132015-01-28T07:38:00.001-07:002015-01-28T07:38:54.624-07:00The Intermediate BloggerI told myself I wouldn't be the kind of "blogger" that really only wrote every 6 months or on important dates. But here I am 6 months since writing my last entry. However, I just couldn't let this day pass without sending up a big Happy Birthday to our Eva.<br />
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Today, you would have been 6 years old, finishing up the last quarter of your kindergarten experience. You'd see Vandro and how he loves to build with Legos, his love of Batman and how he teases Camila. You would see your beautiful little sister and how much you and her look alike. She is just like you, she is such a girl, loves pink and purple and is one tough cookie!<br />
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You would be so proud of your Papa and how much he's learning and how hard he's working and how much he loves what he's doing!<br />
You'd be excited about having a new baby cousin Arialise and how happy grandma and grandpa are! How grown all your cousins in Tucson are and you how baby James and baby Devan are NOT babies anymore.<br />
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Today my sweet girl, we will celebrate you, the day you came into our lives, the day that everything changed, not because of a diagnosis but because you made us parents, you made me a mother, you taught me how to love in a way I had never experienced. Today I will also celebrate motherhood and all it has to offer, the good, the great and the tiring parts! Today I get to remember that day I heard your first cry, when I first kissed your face and realized you are mine for time and all eternity!<br />
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU BEAUTIFUL GIRL!! "I'll Love you ForEva, I'll Like you for Always and as long as I'm living my baby you'll be"<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">January 28, 2009<br />Our First Meeting!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">June 2012</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eva and David Keller June 2012</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of Eva's most favorite people, Susan Keller. June 2012</td></tr>
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<br />Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-15293927424577934552014-06-17T00:24:00.001-07:002014-06-17T00:24:11.973-07:00The Un-Pause...I needed that!Monday June 16, 2014...This was the day of the "un-pause"! <br />
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Today (well Monday...since its like 2am on Tuesday), the kids and I headed out to Chicago to visit with the Beers! You know the Beers...David and Cassie, Naomi and Sydney (born 2013)! <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">June 9, 2013 Spanish Fork, UT</td></tr>
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This year we could not make it out to Arizona, we could not put flowers on your gravesite, we could not visit Utah and all the wonderful people that knew you and us with you! Today we just went to visit the Beers. Vandro and Camila played with Naomi and Sydney, we had lunch and then played in the backyard and the baby pool. Just a fun day with friends! David bought little cupcakes for Vandro and Naomi's upcoming birthdays (June 21st & 28th). It was a fun day. We packed up after what seemed like a fast afternoon, and headed back to Indy. Except when I got in the car and drove away and as I looked at your brother and sister fast asleep in there car seats....memories came flooding back! The winter you born, the pizza at our house with the Beers, General Conference at their tiny apartment in Provo, their new home and our "mommy" dates their. Cassie and I's pregnancies. And June 2012, the last week you were with us. The Beers, Vandro and Naomi playing and for the last now three summers, us singing an early Happy Birthday to Vandro and Naomi. And my heart ached for you. I can not tell you though, what a blessing today was, to be with friends, to talk about you, to remember you, to remember our times in Provo. I felt you there with us, with the Beers!<br />
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The last week of your life, we spent it in Utah, we had so much fun, we forgot to take a lot of pictures...I always thought, "oh, I'll do it next time". We stayed with the Beers and we visited all of our favorite Utah people. Oh, but I have the memories, how much Naomi loved you, how she couldn't wait for you and Vandro to stay in her home! <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">David Keller</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Susan Keller</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">June 11, 2012 Page, AZ</td></tr>
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Last year, we remembered to take pictures...we took a lot of pictures!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">June 2013 Cougareat</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">June 2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Birthday boy and girl, June 2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vandro is quite the trooper!</td></tr>
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Today we played, we laughed, we had joy! The heartache will never completely cease, I know that, but I know that it is our Father in Heaven's wish that we have joy. That we love the lives He's given us, I love my life, I love my children, I love your father...my heart hurts when I think of kissing you, holding you! But I know that mortality is filled with trials, and it is the trials that make the sweet times, sweeter!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The babies</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">June 2014 Birthday cake</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"My big sister soars in heaven"</td></tr>
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And here we go, the un-pause. Its my new year, its time to move forward, to look towards the new adventures, the new memories...and Eva, you will be right there with us! I love you my Angel daughter! THANK YOU BEER FAMILY for a wonderful day, that meant more than you know!!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-76089864002575065222014-06-15T01:20:00.001-07:002015-01-28T07:39:38.852-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My Dearest Evita,<br />
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I can't believe its two years today. I can't believe its been that long since I've held you or kissed your face. This year will be the year of the unpause. Since you left I have felt like time has stood still, except it hadn't, I had. </div>
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Today we will think of you, remember you and the promises made by our Heavenly Father! Families are Forever, I know this is true. Till We meet again, my sweet angel.</div>
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Till then you will forever be in our hearts.</div>
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Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-91768720440707414512014-01-27T23:20:00.000-07:002014-01-27T23:20:10.660-07:00Happy Birthday Eva - 2nd Birthday in Heaven!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbfh5L1snaIKJHwkLo0rfM6EtJJq1wynppNRG3d4ktfZ5v2jpDVZJrFwOGNPGhFu-Os0eASRUPGtwgLCIJoYifRdHYbqnetOHgjuV4V6t2ukw3aSCXe2FjYCzKW_sv3v2LsLi5dIi93UAn/s1600/EvaCorinne.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbfh5L1snaIKJHwkLo0rfM6EtJJq1wynppNRG3d4ktfZ5v2jpDVZJrFwOGNPGhFu-Os0eASRUPGtwgLCIJoYifRdHYbqnetOHgjuV4V6t2ukw3aSCXe2FjYCzKW_sv3v2LsLi5dIi93UAn/s1600/EvaCorinne.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After your Phoenix Pizza Party, with cousin Corrine!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7uB5mkaaZX963lsjZteuoiXAp35FezCFNFB0uHlUulSGDqeny9qM85WWtdipNZMuaIx_k33dFZQoF9XltAkbtEUWU0GVBEHK5Tm-VxND9TV2VKgz7W_65igBca0GgeC2Ubz6zB2ISTf5T/s1600/Eva3rdbday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7uB5mkaaZX963lsjZteuoiXAp35FezCFNFB0uHlUulSGDqeny9qM85WWtdipNZMuaIx_k33dFZQoF9XltAkbtEUWU0GVBEHK5Tm-VxND9TV2VKgz7W_65igBca0GgeC2Ubz6zB2ISTf5T/s1600/Eva3rdbday.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Singing Happy Birthday to you at our favorite Pizza Place (3rd Birthday)!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">My Dear Eva, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Happy 5th Birthday, its your 2nd birthday in Heaven.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Last
year was rather quiet around our house, I still felt raw and tender and my heart still ached in a different way than it aches today.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So, last year, we remembered, we remembered the details of your birth; our
family and close friends that helped welcome you into our family. We remembered the feelings that surrounded that day.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I
remembered what you sounded like, felt like and looked like.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I remember
the wonderful nurses that put up with my hourly calls to see how you were in the
NICU while I recovered.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I remember the immediate need to protect you, a
feeling I had never felt for another human being before. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Your last birthday with us, your pizza party in Phoenix and your swim party in Tucson!! How you loved the water!</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAp_gxMOWH6vtQClkUj43GS2_-xb52Nip_7SzOsEK1OpF0hYITJ4NM3Y2Y-7xkPYZvRbYD0e3BtBrX5iDc_Ydva_sIDK62yMmHyooHf3igSHy15R8w_zLwTq46jcWlyR_TfyWS94xHDiGl/s1600/HappyBirthdayEva.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAp_gxMOWH6vtQClkUj43GS2_-xb52Nip_7SzOsEK1OpF0hYITJ4NM3Y2Y-7xkPYZvRbYD0e3BtBrX5iDc_Ydva_sIDK62yMmHyooHf3igSHy15R8w_zLwTq46jcWlyR_TfyWS94xHDiGl/s1600/HappyBirthdayEva.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy Birthday my Beautiful Angel!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Eva when I think of you my heart is full, because of you my heart
is full when I look at your brother and sister.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because of you, I feel so grateful to be their mother.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because of you I am so grateful to hear them cry out for me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because of you I am so grateful to catch every one of their kisses
and hugs.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because of you I don’t take for granted how quickly time flies.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Eva on January 28, 2009 you gave me the greatest gift bestowed to
a woman…motherhood! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I dreamt of you, I prayed for you…and you certainly gave me more
than I expected. You have and will always be my perfect child!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because of you I found out some great things about me, things I
could never have been with out you in my life; qualities about me that I
probably would have hid away for far too long.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because of you I want more, I want to know more, give more and be
more.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Because of you, Evandro and Camila have all of me.</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; orphans: auto; text-align: start; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">There is not a moment that goes by that you are not missed, there
is not a prayer that is said that you are not mentioned or celebration in our
home that you are not included. I will never forget you, your father, your brother and sister will never forget you!</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Happy Birthday My Angel Daughter, Eva Isabel Peña, "some only dream of angels, I held one in my arms"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We made some cupcakes to share for your birthday!!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was a little too late for sissy so she was in bed!</td></tr>
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Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-64600768146468480522013-06-08T05:49:00.001-07:002013-06-08T05:49:11.210-07:00The Day I Didn't See Coming<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
My Dearest Eva,<br />
<br />
Your delivery day, was a Day I Didn't See Coming. I had read about mom's going about their day when their water breaks or they begin active labor, no packed bag, no dog sitters or baby sitters. Husbands being called out of a meeting, work or school. I guess I didn't think that would happen to us, or maybe I was in denial that you would eventually have to leave the safe haven of the womb. That day we were literally had our hands in the masa, in the process of making tamales, your Tia Cata and Tio Gerry were getting your Papa and I ready for a freezer full of Mexican food! We stopped for one of my routine ultrasounds, when you decided to scary everyone and stop moving and lower your heart rate, who would have known that you would do that to us many many times after you were born. No bag, tamales on the stove...I was admitted. Your Tio Gerry called your Papa, who was in class, and said, "Its time buddy". It was so surreal, you were coming, all the anticipation for months, what would you look like? would I get to hold you, alive? how long would you live? would you need surgery? All these questions I never shared with anyone. That day I was scared...scared to let you go. Inside you seemed to be doing well, I somehow knew you were safe, I felt like I could protect you better. But it was time, time for me to let go, for the hand and the will of our Father to be done. <br />
Then you came, surprising us with that loud cry! Laying there all I could do was cry, cry with gratitude, to hear you complete your 1st goal...obtain a body, a living breathing body. Then the worry came...how long, how long would we have you.<br />
That worry never really disappeared, it was a worry I lived with for 3 1/2 years. <br />
Oh, Eva, a year ago this week we had the best vacation and so much to look forward to. Papa made it, he got into medical school, we found out you were going to have a baby sister, we got to see Sister Keller and Margaret (your other moms)...a year ago this week, we were kind of blissful! It had been a long time since we felt this ready for something different, it had been a long time since we all slept through the night with no seizure waking us or frightful dream. We had the best time with David, Cassie and Naomi! <br />
Boy how fast things change, here we are Eva, a year later, we are back at David and Cassie's except they have a new baby now, baby Sydney, and we're staying in the same room, Papa, me, Vandro and except the baby girl that is in that room now is Baby Mia, not you! Papa started his 1st year of medical school but Eva, it was hard, he took a leave of absence, he needed a break, he needed to mourn, we needed to regroup. In some ways we are back at last year and some things look the same, he will start in the fall, his 1st year, we will be a family of four, one boy and one girl, one Mama and one Papa. I won't lie, this has been the worst year, with a couple of magical highlights, Baby Mia being one and this vacation being the other. I miss you so much, I want to be fussing with my 3 kids, I want to hold all three of you, there is a hole, a missing piece in our family, its you. <br />
This morning your Papa is running the 1/2 marathon again, for you Eva. He does it for you. You should see him, he still is so nervous, he still doesn't see his own greatness. I know he misses your cuddles, you were the best, I know, like me, he misses your inspirational looks. I know he misses "counseling" with you about his feelings, his day, his dilemmas. Our home is different since you've been gone, we struggle a little, all of us to see how special we are with out you too! It was easy with you Eva, to feel special...to feel that the Lord had a special plan for us. I know the plan hasn't changed but its been hard with out you. <br />
Next week marks a year of that, Day I Didn't See Coming. We had the best week, we were all ready Eva to move to the next city, next chapter, Together. I got comfortable, I wasn't afraid, anxious, nervous yes, but not afraid. That morning I as supposed to take your Mama Luz to the hair dresser, and then you and I were going to take Mama Luz and Tia Cuca out to lunch! We had it planned a girls day. Friday, June 15, 2013. I didn't see it coming, if I had Eva, I would have cuddled you all night long. I would have taking sooooooooooooo many pictures, I would have made sure that I had your scent on every thing...maybe even bottled it. I would have...I would have...I would have... But I didn't see it coming. You little stinker, I guess you knew me. I would not have let you go, I wasn't ready to let you go. Frankly, I'm not sure I was every going to be.<br />
I lost more than you that day, I lost a little bit of me too, its like my super powers were removed on the morning of June 15, 2013, from your Papa and I. Vandro reminds us here and there that they aren't gone. Baby Mia has been such a blessing Eva. I swear she has your smile and your eyes. I see you in her. Her little toes remind me of you. <br />
I do cry, almost every other day, but I do cry tears of gratitude too Eva. I am so grateful for our 3 1/2 years, when I think back to January 28, 2009, your birth day I was scared, I wished to hold you even for a moment...my moment lasted 1,277.5 days!<br />
I hope the next Day I Don't See Coming is the day that I don't ache as much, to feel complete and to hold all of my children again, for now I will work towards happiness, gratefulness and for my salvation. I will endure to the end. I miss you my sweet girl, I love you so much and don't worry we will all be ok, we'll be ForEva Strong!<br />
<br />
Tu Madre que te adora!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-79786187120427696172013-05-13T09:18:00.000-07:002013-05-13T09:18:34.991-07:00Happy Mother's Day!This Mother's Day I felt different, for more than the obvious reasons, I felt a little more pensive about the Mother's that were not quite mothers, those that have had trouble with fertility, or have had trouble carrying to term. The Mothers that on Mother's day some times feel forgotten or are reminded of those little ones that never made it into their families. <br />
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I came into motherhood, by most standards, late in the game. I was in my mid 30's about when I became a mother. Eva changed my life, my mindset and my desires. I truly believe she led the way for her siblings to come into our family, for me to love them in the manner in which I do. However, I do also feel that I got to mother long before these children of mine came along.<br />
<br />
I was an aunt for 24 years before I was ever a mother, my nephews and nieces were a preclude to the love I feel for my own children. I have seen my nephews and nieces in there successes and unfortunately in their failures. I have rejoiced with them and cried for them. Some of these feelings surprised and scared me, I thought, "if I feel this way, how do their mother's feel!"<br />
<br />
Motherhood is love, its sacrifice, I believe young teachers even feel these things before they have children of their own. <br />
<br />
I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve in this calling of Mother. I never knew if I would get to be a mother, frankly I never really planned on it, but it came at the perfect time for me. I would do anything for my children, but I do take my job seriously enough not to endanger their growth by playing a blind eye either. Saying this is a tough job, is an understatement!<br />
<br />
Our newest member of the family hit a milestone again, Baby Mia is 6 months old! Time certainly is not kind and it waits for no one! It seems like just yesterday we found out we were pregnant and here Baby Mia is 6 months away from being 1year old!!!!<br />
<br />
Enjoy these little pictures of her last 6 months!!<br />
<br />
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<br />Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-82766412143986477252013-05-07T19:59:00.000-07:002013-05-07T20:06:42.338-07:00TriggersIts funny how a smell, a picture, a comment can be a strong trigger for an emotion or a memory. Some times its good to have those triggers, I love Norteño music, it takes me back to the memories (good ones) of my childhood, of our family parties, of my father's love of his native land, of my mother and sister's cooking.<br />
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My parents often watched Spanish language movies, Pedro Infante, Vicente Fernandez, La India Maria...whenever I see one playing on Spanish TV on a Saturday night it takes me back.<br />
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The smell of the ocean reminds me of my summers in Southern California as a child with my big sister and her husband. <br />
<br />
As we experience life and it's trials, there are triggers that will no doubt exist to bring us back to these moments. The moments that filled us with pain and darkness. Oh how those triggers set me back...<br />
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I guess I'll have to keep working on the good, the happy memories and triggers.<br />
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Lyrics to Eva's Lullaby<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">by Jose M Pena (Papa)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">written Dec 2008</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Eva, my angel, oh dear sweet kind child</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Hear me, my dear child, I want you to smile.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Little one, precious one</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">This song's for you</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Eva my angel,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">please know I love you.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">One day, long ago,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">your mom and I met.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">We loved each other</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">and so we were wed.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Little one, precious one,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we prayed for you,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Eva our angel,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">now know we love you.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Time has now shown us</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">that life can be sweet.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Even when we face</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">some days tough to beat.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Little one, precious one,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">you make us smile</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">thank you our angel</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we know life's worthwhile.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Little one, precious one</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">This song's for you</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Eva my angel,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">please know I love you.</span>Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-84498086915250436702013-04-30T23:55:00.001-07:002013-04-30T23:55:19.898-07:00Its a start...I feel like I'm always starting new, this last 10 months and well 4 1/2 years have been a blur, like a movie. We've had to do so much adjusting along the way. Things weren't exactly what we had planned for before we got married. <br />
Anyway, I have expectations of myself and of how I want to do things, when I need to get things done etc.. but I keep coming back to starting over. Not getting it quite right and starting over. So hopefully I will start over and blog more frequently, like I've always intended to! I'll take more pictures, like I've intended to, I'll enjoy the little things and the big things...like I've always intended to do!<br />
For now, for tonight, I am feeling particularly blessed to have my husband, my children and this forever family! And in particular to say it, blog it, announce it!<br />
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I also made these little collages for Jose, just because (but he doesn't know about them). Tonight was Vandro's last day of his (1st) soccer team practice. But also the 1st of a new life for us, preschool, teams, friend's birthday parties etc.. We never had this kind of normal before, we really didn't have friends with kids nor did we really live near family. I can count on 2 fingers the number of birthday parties we've either been invited to or attended. We hardly ever went to things as a whole family, mama, papa both kids etc.. This all made me think of Jose and this road we're on, how much he has sacrificed marrying young, how effortless he makes it all look! I mean a father of 3 at 28!<br />
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So I made these little collages of him with each of our children, how nice it was to go back to each of those dates of the pictures. Especially going back to Utah for me. It really has been US...Jose the kids and I. We've never really lived near family. We've really had to maneuver this thing on our own!<br />
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Don't get me wrong we have great family that prays for us, give us awesome and thoughtful gifts, love and spoil our children...but the day to day has been Jose and I. Our friends have been busy with their lives and we've been fortune to find new friends that we can share an occasional meal with, but when I look around, I am so proud of us. Its easy to forget how far we've come in our 5 years married. Monetarily we may not have much to show but I think we're doing pretty good as far as working towards the eternal! <br />
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Jose has never been selfish in that fact, he was 23 when we married, he's worked his tail off to get where he is in his education and career training, in his role as a father and husband. He doesn't know this and very rarely if at all, reads my blog, but Jose is amazing, he inspires me. He inspires me to never let go of my aspirations not matter how difficult they may seem. On my down days, he treats me like I'm the most successful woman on the planet and well I'm not a size 6 anymore but he looks at me as if I was a supermodel (he does need yearly eye exams though!)<br />
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We are at the beginning of this journey still and we've been through so much! More than some couples have been through in a lifetime of marriage, I think. I look at him and I am so proud to be his wife, the mother of his children, his eternal companion!<br />
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Eva made us parents and grown ups, she made us Superstars!<br />
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Vandro gave us a dose of parental reality! (The good The bad, The joy and The worry)<br />
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Baby Mia, she has brought joy into our lives when we needed happy the most! Vandro, Jose and I needed this baby...she's all of our baby! <br />
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We miss Eva every single day, all of us miss her! Vandro sometimes asks when can we go get her. He gets excited to think that when Jesus comes so will Eva!<br />
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We are maneuvering through this new chapter in our lives again feeling like we're going through 1st all over again. Hmm...what will my posts look like in 10 years?! Well I'll just have to keep writing and see!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-17546472226846700202013-04-10T06:52:00.001-07:002013-04-10T06:52:34.783-07:00Oh Goodness how did we get here!!So I guess I didn't get the greatest start to the New Year! Its April 10th and I have a lot of updating to do! This is either going to be the longest post ever or I might just miss some stuff and have to come back to it later....or both!<br />
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Well I blinked and I have a soon-to-be crawling (it seems) infant and a soccer playing toddler! Its been so surreal how fast the kids grow, I try and stop to remember Camila as a newborn and forget about Vandro, I can barely remember when he didn't talk!<br />
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As we approach that big day, June 15th, I feel some regression happening. A little of the nightmares appearing again, fear creeping back in when my children sleep, fear of losing one of them. How could I survive something like that...and then I remember...you just do, I just did and try to do it everyday.<br />
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January, February and the beginning of March kept me pretty busy and distracted, I wrote, specifically to my family and friends in private emails about The Everything Sale, the big multi-state yard sale that was to benefit friends of ours. I had volunteered to host a sale here in Indianapolis one very late night, with my insomnia at full force and the deep need to do something for our friends! I volunteered!<br />
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I can not begin to share the miracles and special moments that were experienced during the preparing for and during the Sale. Christmas and especially January were very difficult for me, they say the 6 month mark is the most difficult because it feels like you take 10 steps backwards, well THEY ain't lying. I was honestly scared because I had committed to hosting this sale and I was too much in despair. Let me testify to you that the Lord is extremely mindful and sometimes I think that when we are at our most broken and humble we can hear him better. He wants to help, He is available to be by your side to comfort you and He did for me! <br />
The Farar Family are such a wonderful example of light in a world with so many dark spots. Damond and Adriana are examples of love, friendship, fellowship and discipleship! For my family, Adriana was one of the people that made us feel immediately at home here in Indianapolis, even before we ever met. Damond a medical student and working with a physician that we met through the BYU connection, reached out to my husband when he got accepted into IUSM, and well if you know me, I saw that he was married and went to research his wife! I contacted her and true to Adriana's nature she offered any and all assistance with our finding a home in Indy. Because of the Farar's we found not only a home but a community, of student families, of church members and a feeling of home. Damond kind of took Jose under his wing and gave him all his 1st year books and flash cards to help us save on buying books, he always had some great counsel for this 1st year, 1st semester hurdles. I know many around us have no idea what its like coming back to life after such a tragic loss but the Farar's were always sensitive and compassionate. I know that I would not have known had it not been for experiencing it. <br />
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These pictures don't even show how crazy full my house was of generous donations from all over Indiana! I got to see the best in people, I got to see how one life can effect so many! Damond's life did and will forever touch many lives, the sale day was also full of stories and miracles!</div>
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We had a little of everything and a lot of love! The EveryThing Sale for me and I believe for the Farar's Indianapolis ward family as well, was a day of some closure, comfort and friendship! There were so many times in the day that I had to just go in our car and cry! Cry from the feelings of gratitude of the love that was out pouring that day. That day I felt like the world was right! That my daughter wasn't buried in AZ, that my heart wasn't as broken as it was. </div>
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The end of the day was like what a missionary has described at the end of his mission and that name tag is removed. The mantle of missionary gone, you feel different, normal, regular. During the sale I truly felt angels surround me and my family. I felt like I had the energy and motivation that hadn't existed for a very long time. That night, we got home and I literally couldn't keep my eyes open, the weeks and months of working late at night and running around town just caught up with me, with all of us! It was a special, special day! </div>
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March was extra special in that we got to go to Arizona and for my family to finally meet our baby Camila (Baby Mia)! Vandro was having some serious cabin fever that he just wanted to be outside everyday, all day! The weather was perfect! If we could live in Arizona for just the months of March and October that would be perfect...LOL!</div>
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We also got to see our friends the Farar's! We had a fabulous day at my favorite place, Peter Piper Pizza in Tucson! We stated a few hours at PPP and then we went to my cousins house and all the boys played on the trampoline, a little baseball and then pulled out the hose and put out a water slide on the grass in my cousins backyard! </div>
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The end of March brought Easter...</div>
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Easter weekend was fun, we had an Easter egg hunt with friends Saturday morning and then had fun the rest of the day at the Indiana Historical Society for Circus Day, and spent some time on the canal in downtown Indianapolis.</div>
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April brought General Conference...our favorite time in April and October! We shared our Conference tradition with friends, hoagies! Of course I didn't take pictures! We love our Saturday Conference hoagies, it began on the first Conference we celebrated together as a married couple in SLC. We decided to bring our lunch since it was a Sunday when we went up to Conference center, we sat on the grassy area in Temple Square. Since then we have hoagie sandwiches every Conference for lunch!</div>
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All of these days of fun come with bittersweet feelings for me, Jose and I have made a true effort to make memories with the kids and particularly to enjoy the things around us. Doing things outside was a challenge for my little Eva. The change in weather was not easy for her, she couldn't just wear a jacket or take one off if it got too hot. She was affected by too large of a crowd or noise, the hardest part was that it wasn't all the time but when it was it was a rough few days to couple of weeks for her with the seizures. It was hard for others to understand that, I am so mindful of everything and everywhere we go, thinking "would Eva be ok here" or "this would have been ok for Eva". As we come up to Eva's 10 months and as we get closer to that June day...emotions are once again very high. There are moments I just miss her so bad it hurts, but Vandro and Mila bring me great comfort! As does my wonderful husband! He and I will Forever be the parents to these children, he is my best friend, my eternal companion...the only one that shares these loves and losses with me!</div>
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I love my family, I love the Savior and because of His Atoning sacrifice I can see my Eva again someday, I can be with my children, my husband, my family Forever! </div>
Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-90159062821427294122013-01-28T05:40:00.002-07:002013-01-28T06:29:39.886-07:001st Birthday in Heaven!!For many there are certain dates in your life you can't ever forget, events, moments etc... I count myself in those many. The most recent important dates are the birth dates for my children and even as young as we are to have experienced this, a death date. Well this post will be mostly about the former!<br />
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Four years ago today January 28, 2009, was one of the most defining dates for me, it changed me as a person, as a woman and it made me a mother! Can you believe one little date can exact such profound things? Me either! Along with that date came a beautiful and yes perfect little girl, she had a broken body, yet still so perfect.</div>
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Eva Isabel Pena, came unexpectedly but right on queue! We needed her to come because my brother and sister were in town and could only stay for about a week, it felt like such a short window for Eva to make an appearance and like the most perfectly obedient daughter, she did, I prayed for her to come on the January 28th, so her aunt and uncle could be there and so my doctor could deliver her. I remember holding my breath to hear a cry, our perinatologist was very clear that Eva would most like be stillborn or only live a few minutes or hours. She cried, the loudest...strongest cry! I had a c-section, so Jose brought her over close to my face so I could kiss her and she started to suck on my nose. If you had been there for all of the doctor visits, for all the depressing appointments where I was told everything I wouldn't have with my daughter or everything she wouldn't do, you would understand how amazing this was, her sucking on my nose. How instinctual, how amazing as God's tiniest of creations, to know this is how I eat!<br />
This moments with her in the operating room where priceless, I didn't get to see her again until they finished sewing me up and before I went to my room they took me to the NICU where she was. It was hard to say goodbye, to not be able to hold her immediately. But all that was good, our birth plan was that if she was dead or not doing well (we had a DNR) we would get all the rest of the time with her in the operating room, so her going to the NICU and me to my room was a good sign that she was doing well. Because of drugs that day after her actual birth gets blurry. I know that my brother and sister stayed with us till late and like the little worker bees they are went back to my house and finished making tamales (we were in the process of making them, when I had to go to the hospital), they welcomed my in-laws, who drove right away to Utah from Arizona upon hearing that Eva would be coming, and they finished those tamales at 4 in the morning!!</div>
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Well I said that this post was going to be mostly, but not all about her birth day and that's only because recalling her birth and the wonderful feelings inevitably makes me recall her death date. </div>
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I only knew Eva for 4 years (counting my pregnancy), but my heart aches for her as if I knew her my lifetime. I have had days where I don't know if I could do this anymore, hurt this much. Like I just want to lay in bed and sleep and pray to dream her, just so I could be near her one more time. </div>
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But I will share with you my other blessings, my other two children, they keep me in the present and all though this pain is something I must go through, Vandro and Camila provide me joy in the present. Even when Vandro is being a 2 year old and completely unreasonable and well Mila can't do anything annoying (yet), I am grateful for to be a mother. </div>
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I think of my mother and all the other mothers that are too familiar with this pain of loss, be it from a miscarriage, still birth, infant or other loss or from the pain of dealing with the loss of a dream for your children. </div>
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I often say to people I mourned twice for my daughter, the day of our diagnosis and the day of her death. Eva was our 1st baby, normally you announce to the world you are pregnant, you dream and wonder what they will look like, what it will be like to be called mama or papa. You anxiously wait to find out if it is a boy or a girl, you buy cute outfits and imagine so many things for their future. On the day we received our news about Eva's condition, time stopped for me. I had to process this news that this little life inside of me, that I felt kick and move, was not going to live (or that's what they made clear more than anything). Everything we had dreamed for our 1st born was gone with one word, Holoprosencephaly. To be quite honest, I don't know that I really stopped grieving my daughter's condition. I feel just awful saying it but its true, you are strong, you do all you need to do for them, the love drives the energy, I know it does. But in my quietest times, in the still of the night, I would cry, my heart would ache to hear, "mama, or I love you". I had to look deep into Eva's eyes to know that she was listening, that she knew I knew she loved me. </div>
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Last night as I searched for answers from the Lord, I went to our church's website, lds.org and I typed in grief. Now I had done this a few nights ago and came to a talk called "Sunday will come" and although I didn't read the talk at that moment, the title in itself was an answer to a question. Well last night as I searched again, I saw a talk called, "<a href="http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/02/the-refining-fire-of-grief?lang=eng&query=grieving">Refining Fire of Grief</a>"...maybe this is a bit narcissistic but I felt like wow the Lord made the Ensign (church magazine) for me! I want to share this talk with you, especially those that are suffering with grief and loss. The Lord knows of you and he is well aware of all your needs, even if we chose to deny we have them. He is waiting for us to open the door and let him in. We have a picture of Christ in our bedroom with a saying next to it, it reads, "My way may not be easy but its worth it"<br />
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"<a href="http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/02/the-refining-fire-of-grief?lang=eng&query=grieving">The Refining Fire of Grief</a>", by Ashley Isaacson Woolley</div>
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Brothers and sisters, let me tell you that I know this is true! His way is not easy, I know that the sacrifices the Lord asks us to make are minuscule to the blessings he's waiting to impart! I hope this message brings you comfort as it did me!</div>
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And today, please help me in remembering my Eva and her almost 4 years on this earth. Help me in remembering her bravery, her spirit and especially her smile and the sparkle in her eyes! Happy Birthday my Sweet angel baby, mama misses you and you are and will be forever in my heart and someday we will all be reunited!! Till then run and dance and sing on this 1st Birthday in heaven!</div>
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Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-40272861021186806222012-11-15T20:30:00.000-07:002012-11-15T20:30:10.811-07:00Welcome home Baby Mila!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Camila David Peña, born October 30, 2012 in Indianapolis, IN, 8lbs, 13oz and 21 3/4 inches long!!<br />
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Camila gets her name from my paternal grandmother David Contreras Diaz, I wish I had a picture of my grandmother to include, I'll have to look for one and add it later! My grandmother was such a sweet soul, she was, as I like to say, a saint among sinners!! She was always kind and loving...I can still feel her wet kisses!! She loved her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and she made efforts to get to know all of us!! She was a woman of God, she was humble and I know that I have felt my grandmother with me through some of my most challenging experiences!<br />
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We are so proud to give Camila such a valuable name! We hope that she too will come to know her great grandmother and be proud to carry her name!<br />
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Camila is so sweet and she has brought so much joy into our home! <br />
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I can tell you that Jose, Vandro and I have truly enjoyed having her home, she brings happiness and HoPE into our home. These last 5 months have been difficult, some days we are fine, some days it feels so hard to make it through the day. The pain of missing Eva can still feel as though she was taken from us yesterday! <br />
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Camila brings Eva's spirit into our home, I can see Eva in her eyes and in her smile! It is so amazing to know that Camila was just with Eva before she crossed the veil to this world and into our family! I know Eva spoke about us, I know she counseled Mila on how to care for us.<br />
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We are so grateful for Camila and for the her timing! Just when we thought our hearts could not break anymore, she came into our lives as if to rescue us from heartbreak! <br />
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We will always miss Eva...but these children remind us of the future of our growing family and how they all are an extension of Jose and I, of Eva!<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">WELCOME HOME CAMILA!!!!!!!</span>Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-92197923920573245062012-10-14T18:01:00.005-07:002012-10-14T18:01:41.340-07:004 months, 16 weeks, 120 days....Tomorrow, October 15th will mark 4 months since Eva left us. I saw this poem on a friend's Facebook page and I wanted to share it on my blog. <br />
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<i><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not here to see,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">If the sun should rise</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">and find your eyes all filled with tears for me, </span></b></i><br />
<i><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today. </span></b></i><br />
<i><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. </span></b></i><br />
<i><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.</span></b></i><br />
<i><b><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">-Author unknown</span></b></i><br />
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I miss my Eva so much, this was a nice reminder of that fact that she too knows how much I miss her!!</div>
Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-69077208252497127292012-10-13T15:07:00.002-07:002012-10-13T15:19:28.049-07:00Steel Magnolias<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It should read, "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful..."</td></tr>
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Steel Magnolias, it has to be one of my all time favorite movies, if you know me, you know how much I love this movie and that I've seen it like a million times and can recite it verbatim.<br />
The movie came out in '89, I was in junior high getting ready to go into high school. The movie has meant different things to me at different stages of my life. In high school it was a movie about great friends supporting each other through some of the most trying times of their lives. Later in adulthood the movie was about how friends needed to some times "get into" each others business because they loved them. However, as a mother, I think I got more of Sally Field's character. The most poignant scene for me was at her daughter's gravesite when she kind of had a "bipolar" moment, she was solemn and composed and then cried and screamed with anger, asking "why", only to composed herself again and then have a laughing fit with friends. It just reminded me of the roller coasters of emotions that I personally go through in the days and months since Eva's passing. Although, I no longer had that group of girlfriends, I had my husband with me and I've had his friendship through this all. That scene, also had some powerful words to remember, like:<br />
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<i><span style="color: red;">"I realize as a woman how lucky I am, I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out"</span></i><br />
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I was there when Eva "drifted" into my life and I was "there" when she passed, well at least I felt her still warm body after she passed, I think she knew to leave me before because I couldn't or wouldn't say goodbye so easily.<br />
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In these days and weeks before baby Camila comes, I guess I am more emotional, more pensive (than usual anyway). I know I've said it before either to you personally or through my blog, but I value my private time to cry or to have my outbursts of emotions, I'm not exactly comfortable with doing it out in front of "the world". I'm grateful for this time with my little family.<br />
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I have valued all of my children's births, that time in the hospital to hold them and marvel over them, it has been important to me. This time around, I have a rambunctious, fun loving little 2 year old at home, who I know I will be comforting as the reality of his little sister coming to live with us, hits him. So that time with Mila in the hospital will be nice for me (and Jose). We need to welcome her in our own way. <br />
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I want to leave you with this smiling picture of Eva, she had just gotten her hair braided by my cousin, her Tia. This picture makes me think that this is how she will be smiling as we welcome her baby sister into our family!<br />
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So I leave you with one of my other favorite quotes from the movie, where Julia Roberts' character tells her mother why its important for her to be a mother despite the "danger" associated with it. I have thought of this quote many many times in my time as a mother!<br />
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<i><span style="color: red;">"I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special"</span></i><br />
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I miss you my sweet girl!!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgraY4TXXOLxcLnxO-RY0p0txipDsiI7RqbPADlgDttGaTzSDl-TIPde4ifVew5MTwMrLHQwmCQhyxqDXcUtwTgXYEaoS_APZghJROOcSNWyclSFXrJWVsH6xVZ_qocVzYJxYmG3JsMktmb/s1600/Eva+braids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgraY4TXXOLxcLnxO-RY0p0txipDsiI7RqbPADlgDttGaTzSDl-TIPde4ifVew5MTwMrLHQwmCQhyxqDXcUtwTgXYEaoS_APZghJROOcSNWyclSFXrJWVsH6xVZ_qocVzYJxYmG3JsMktmb/s200/Eva+braids.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thank you Tia Aurora for my braids!</td></tr>
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<br />Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-567002313442056552012-09-24T22:36:00.003-07:002012-09-24T22:44:16.736-07:00The changes on the horizon!There are so many changes to come and so many changes that have occurred. It seems that the ole saying, "the only constant is change" is again being proven in my home.<br />
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I never was a fan of change, I thought I was in my youth, always wanting something different than I had, thinking that, "only if I had..." or "only if I was..." would make a difference. I've learned with time that there are no"if only I had" or "if only I was"...there is, however, "I have" and "I am". Knowing and understand who I am and what I have has helped me through some of the most difficult times of change in my life.</div>
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10 days ago marked Eva being gone 3 months, this weekend I turned 35 weeks pregnant and 5 weeks closer to bringing a new baby home. With Jose starting Medical School almost 6 weeks ago this adds another dimension of change. The schedule change! All of us are a little lost right now and trying quickly to adjust because the other thing that is constant is that time will move forward, with or with out you!</div>
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Their is good change and their is bad or hard to adjust to change. I think losing Eva is a little of all three...good that she is taken care of now, getting better care than I could ever give her, she is perfect, she is in celestial glory! Bad because I miss her, I want to wake up to her every day and it hurts that I can't, I want to feel her close to me like before...its bad because of how selfish I am to want her with me. Hard to adjust, well, I was Eva and Eva was me...I am now different, I'm adjusting to the mother and wife the rest of my family needs me to be. I'm adjusting to learning to "live" without Eva. I'm adjusting to how others see our family without Eva, without that little red wheelchair at our side. This journey of change is long and unpredictable...two things I hate the most...but its my lesson to learn. </div>
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The same is applied to the other two changes in our lives, Jose starting medical school and Ms Baby Mila coming into our home in about 5 weeks. Its good, bad and hard to adjust to change. The obvious good is Jose is on his way to becoming a physician a dream of his and we are welcoming a healthy baby girl into our family and growing our family. The bad, Jose is never home and we miss him like crazy, school is super demanding and will be for many many years, the bad with a new baby...well...I guess the bad is that I don't know if we're ready! The hard to adjust is, Jose's schedule and seeing him so stressed, it seems like there is a ridiculously difficult test around every corner. Medical school is like undergrad x100...he has 4 classes of super hard and more tests to take in a shorter amount of time! With baby Mila, I know it will be hard to adjust to breastfeeding again (even though I just stopped 5 months ago), her sleeping patterns etc...</div>
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So why do we do it? Why torture ourselves, why not just live at home forever and never venture out into the world...well that's no fun either!</div>
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So here comes the part that I figured out (and am still figuring out), the who "I am" and the what "I have". I Am a woman, a child of God, that came to earth with a purpose. My purpose is to learn, to learn about joy, sorrow and pain, happiness, love and charity. Becoming a wife, joining in an eternal companionship, becoming a mother and building a forever family is how I learn those things. My husband, my children and especially my Eva have taught me all about the above. Without them I don't know if I would understand God, I think I might have from reading a book or simply studying the scriptures, but I know that my Father in Heaven knew me better...He said, "you are 'a learn on the job', type of girl" and here he gave me this family. So it comes to what I Have, a marriage that promises me change around every corner...and I'm Learning to love it....I Have an Angel baby, she, Eva promised me change from the moment we found out about her condition. I Have, my other children, they too have promised me change, simply by growing, learning and needing me. I Have this family that supports me, and build me up, they believe in me and my dreams!</div>
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I'm not sure what this post is, upbeat or a bit down, I'll let you be the judge of that. But for me, its just about reflection. Looking back and looking forward. I can tell you that I hope to write more about my journey with a bit a Eva in every post...I can't forget my Eva and with our new addition in the latest pictures!</div>
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I never say, "I wonder what will happen next". Because anything can happen! It has happened to me too many times!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs8WnXiL_YaAkeamJfXiHYiXCDlsxLQ5gi6ep1ibpcNvPL9HjXKdj7qmL24TWBJGkxE2FOSCyiG_2uy2uxeiZzUuYj4TVuo4XhQ4eJ60YCL4ly-ci0EU6LnDLc7hyphenhyphengP5CAOVOCl4LJiIxn/s1600/Pena+Family-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs8WnXiL_YaAkeamJfXiHYiXCDlsxLQ5gi6ep1ibpcNvPL9HjXKdj7qmL24TWBJGkxE2FOSCyiG_2uy2uxeiZzUuYj4TVuo4XhQ4eJ60YCL4ly-ci0EU6LnDLc7hyphenhyphengP5CAOVOCl4LJiIxn/s320/Pena+Family-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is the last picture we took of all four of us a few weeks before Eva passed away...how I wish we would have done our family pictures in Utah, like I had originally planned! This too has been a lesson for me..."never put off tomorrow, what you can do today!"</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifglf5xLtgjwy-MD0fzq_RFud7pOu3yQW6ILpenyrBqPRPGZC-cTz9eiJfDAe6OtzznHz_f5gCfeM4_2tHT0_riUyvpapQMLigV68kUYqFdXD-ex3OJtL-RAjxpldjE2TJnHPNtSR0Bqjb/s1600/VandroRacecar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifglf5xLtgjwy-MD0fzq_RFud7pOu3yQW6ILpenyrBqPRPGZC-cTz9eiJfDAe6OtzznHz_f5gCfeM4_2tHT0_riUyvpapQMLigV68kUYqFdXD-ex3OJtL-RAjxpldjE2TJnHPNtSR0Bqjb/s320/VandroRacecar.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is my handsome boy, just a few weeks ago, in a race car...he was in heaven! He too is changing very quickly!!</div>
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I love my family, I love the journey that brought me to this point, I wouldn't have it any other way!</div>
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ForEva in our Hearts!!</div>
Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-22180052453796760842012-08-01T08:11:00.002-07:002012-08-01T08:11:24.691-07:00North Carolina and FFHLet me start with, its a bummer that I have not been able to post new pictures up, we are in serious transition and just dumb luck that both of our computers malfunctioning right now. Student life is not easy financially. You see your friends taking vacations, buying new clothes, new houses, new cars and well we are lightyears away from doing all of that, yes even clothes! Anyway, that is another post for another time...the life and journey to of a future physician!!<br />
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So I've said it a few times but haven't really commented on the fact that we are now living in Indiana. Living on this side of the country offered us the opportunity to attend the last HPE conference in North Carolina. Last week we had the great privilege of driving through some of the south from Kentucky, Ohio, Tennessee to the Carolinas. It was just beautiful, I think we fell in love with that drive, coming from the west coast and southwest, its just a different kind of appreciation of the Lord's marvelous creations. The people in the south are just...what can I say, welcoming! Southern hospitality was in full force and we got a lot of it everywhere! It was really welcoming and man what a change from where we've been! <br />
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Our trip was to, as I stated the HPE conference, in Concord, North Carolina. HPE conferences are held every two years and we had been going back and forth as to whether or not we should attend. Before Eva passed we thought we would for sure go, two years is a life time when you have a child with a "terminal" condition, you just don't know if they'll make the next one. Things however, got hairy with moving across the country, the pregnancy, finances and Jose starting school only a few weeks after the conference, so we remained unsure. After Eva passed, I thought I had my answer, it would just be impossible to go to the conference and be around all those families with there kiddos. I mean I would probably fall apart and emotionally, I just didn't know what I could handle. About a week or so before the conference, and after quite a bit of reflection, I could hear my Eva telling me, "you need this, you need them". So we began to think about the trip again, after all Eva brought us to Indiana, and the conference was on this side of the country and a short 10 hour drive (same distance as Utah to Arizona about). We made our plans to go, but I really didn't even get us packed until the night before we left, I just didn't want to think about it, its funny when you know something is right, you just know, I usually have coolers and food, clothes planned out etc.. I've gotten quite good at packing for the four of us, and considering I always had to think about Eva's food, feeding pump and bags, medical supplies etc... packing 3 people seemed like nothing!<br />
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When we arrived at our hotel, I was still not sure of myself and how things would feel, I felt extremely reserved. We checked in and went straight to our room, I saw some families but just couldn't bring myself to say hi yet. We got settled into our room, I knew Vandro wanted to swim (his new favorite thing to do), so we got him ready to swim. Jose and he went down to the pool first and I stayed behind. I had brought with us some collage pictures I made of Eva, one of her younger years and one of her later years. I sat with her for a bit, I got on my knees and I prayed to my Father in Heaven. I prayed for courage, I prayed to enjoy these families and I prayed for the ability to serve them. Its so strange but so real that when you serve others, it truly lifts your burdens. I went down stairs to the pool with my family, and saw these sweet girls (HPE kiddos) in the pool with their mothers. Oh, my emotions were on the surface, I'm glad I was wearing sunglasses and in the pool, because I could not stop the waterworks. I wanted to grab them and hug them, their little spirits are so strong, one in particular made me think of Eva. She just had this little face and smile that looked exactly like my daughter. It was a good feeling!<br />
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After the pool we met with some of the board members and their families for dinner (I'm a board member of Families for HoPE, Inc. incidentally), we got to talk logistics about he conference, what still needed to be done, where they would need us etc.. The next day was Sunday, we greeted and registered the families that were coming in, we had some fun "get to know each other" activities with the other families. What a great way to start the conference week.<br />
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The week was just wonderful, Vandro went to preschool all week at the kids camp they had, he did crafts, they were given lessons, they had a little play area outside. He did pretty good, we we're so proud of him! Jose and I were able to attend our own workshops, Hope and Healing workshops. These workshops were focused more on loss, there were a couple of us in there that had recently lost a child. It was so comforting to be able to express the different and wide range of emotions it feels like you go through. There is/was so much involved in the care of Eva that no one really ever saw or experienced like I did. I realized that my circle of close friends consisted of, my social worker, Eva's doctor, teachers, therapists and nurse that came and saw her twice a week. When Eva passed, she not only left a huge void but so did the loss of everyone that I spoke to on a daily basis. My everyday conversations were always about Eva and what Eva needed, what she was doing or how she was feeling. Our plans evolved around her too. So needless to say, my world was turned upside down and inside out. Jose really didn't even know how much that affected me because he has always had to do "outside" things and had other obligations. I was between two worlds, as I have often seen things. The one was my reality and the other the perception that I chose to give others. Going to the hope and healing sessions helped me realize that I wasn't crazy, this feeling of "no one understanding" was replaced with the feeling of "I'm not alone". The week was filled with visiting with families, chatting with old friends, that you just met and some that you see only every two years! We stayed up late and got up early. <br />
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Having a child with special needs is well, special, different. Although your family adjusts, the rest of the world is yet to catch up. I can fully admit that I was not one that was comfortable with different, I think a lot of people are the same way. I mean unless you've had it in your life, you just don't know. Having Eva gave me some wonderful perspective. She definitely taught me how to love, how to be compassionate, and how to serve. I think when she got her wheelchair and was out of her baby chair, I also experienced different lessons, like how uncomfortable people get around someone that looks and acts different. Because of that I think I learned how to teach. Eva had multiply seizures, Eva had screaming seizures, she wretched and she vomited. She had times where her mucus build up was so much that she would just cough and gage until we could get it out. She had a suction machine, that I chose not to use because it seemed so invasive, so I did everything myself. Now imagine going to dinner and being sat in the middle of the dining room, you just notice everyone noticing you. Eva was absolutely gorgeous, sweet, how could you not notice her but mostly I could see that the other things she did were what people took notice of. <br />
So back to the conference, here we were sharing meals and playtime and visiting with each other and no one looked uncomfortable with what was going on around them. There were families with loud children, because of seizures or spasms. There were suction machines on and no one turned to look at what that strange noise was. There were HPE kiddos that were being fed by there g-tubes or being fed like a baby with food all over their faces, trach tubes being cleared or cleaned, machines of all kinds going off... and no one stared. Someone stated, "here WE are the normal".<br />
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How we missed Eva at that conference, but she was there. She was known to everyone there, even those that never met her. She was part of there family too! We had joined a club, we did not ask to be a part of!<br />
It was a comforting week and a challenge to leave. We were just quiet on the drive home. I guess reality was hitting me, we are getting ready for this new chapter, without Eva. It was scary and a bit lonely. When we got home, we had a few Eva things to greet us. Angel Watch, the program we had been a part of in Utah, had sent us a bear their seamstress made out of Eva's blanket, Jose's aunt sent us a little angel figurine and then on our table was this beautiful arrangement of flowers that Eva's preschool teachers sent us. What a merciful moment it was for me, for our family to be welcomed home in this way. <br />
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Our trip to NC and the conference was exactly what we needed to get this new chapter underway, we have a lot of work to do, grief is not something that you get done and take off your to do list, it is long and it can be for the rest of your life. It just changes as time goes on. I know that many people don't know what to say, and that the loss of a child creates even more discomfort than that of an adult. I recognize that as friends and family it is not easy either, not knowing what to say or at times how to act. So let me tell you this, I don't either! I don't think something like this, is something you get good at. We are all just trying to do our best, so my best advice to you who want to comfort or find the perfect words or gestures and maybe we aren't being the most helpful with telling you what to do, just be patient. Patience and love and friendship is all that I know I require, don't be afraid of me and definitely don't be afraid to ask me about Eva EVER! I will always want to speak of her, and yes I will cry and that's ok if I cry it will not break me it will only make me stronger!<br />
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I don't speak for everyone that has suffered this kind of loss, and I may sound totally cheesy but love is a good answer and patience is a great asset. I know I'm learning to have both!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-86008965615094115332012-07-15T20:30:00.001-07:002012-07-15T20:30:35.771-07:00For a moment I held an angel, I miss you Eva!!As I look back at my posts, I wonder if it wasn't so much of the pregnancy but some kind of premonition that I had, that made me so emotional about Eva. In the months before her death I felt increasingly anxious and scared, emotional all over again, just like I was when we first got Eva's diagnosis. I always attributed to my pregnancy and how all over the place my emotions were, I can't tell you how many nights I didn't sleep, how I watched her sleep. How I got on my knees and begged the Lord for things to be different, and at times I would look at Eva and ask her how could I survive her leaving me, EVER. It seemed that when the house was quiet I could wonder it like some lost spirit, contemplating what the future would hold for us. It was lonely, these are not things you bring up to your friends or family, after 3 1/2 years, I think people expect that you have moved on from any of that initial pain and that the face you put forward is the one you always have on. I had social workers, therapist, good friends, but even for me it got tiring saying how much it hurt, and so you just stop saying it.<br />
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On June 15, 2012 at about 6 am, one of my greatest fears was realized, like the day of her unplanned arrival into our lives, she departed.<br />
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I never imagined (and believe me I had imagined it, I thought I could pre-mourn my daughter's death) that Eva would be gone only a week before our move to Indiana. I remember that morning and it haunts me, and I have prayed to replace that memory with other memories. NOT MY EVA....NOT NOW....I wanted more time, I wasn't ready, I kept telling her that, I wasn't ready. <br />
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The days after I felt like the walking dead, I just couldn't imagine how I would survive the rest of my life with this kind of pain. I felt desperate to smell her, to touch her. My Eva. For almost 4 years we were inseparable, I carried her for almost 10 months and after she was born I was always with her. I knew Eva, all about Eva. But the Lord prepares us, I know He does. Only a few months before, Eva stayed overnight for the first time at Peppi's House (a hospice respite home) while Jose, Vandro and I visited Indiana. It was so hard to leave her, but they cared and loved on her the whole 4 days. We used them two more times for a couple of overnight stays, and maybe that prepared me a little. I had never spent a night away from Eva. I couldn't trust anyone with Eva for that long nor could I burden someone with the "what if something happened while I was gone". As we prepared for Eva's memorial service and went through all the awful, real life things, picking clothes, talking with the cemetery, funeral home, picking a casket etc... I was scared to face so many people with this kind of grief, both Jose and I were scared.<br />
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Like a magical gift from my Father in Heaven, I got to be with Eva one more time. It is heart wrenching giving your child to some stranger in a hearse, someone who had never met her in life was taking her from me. With every fiber of my body I didn't want to hand her over, I wanted to keep her and hold her and make everyone and everything just disappear but I'm grateful for my son and for remembering that I also had an obligation to him and to teach him. We said goodbye to Eva, Vandro gave her a kiss and we said goodbye. Jose and I decided not to embalm Eva and there would be no open casket, and so on June 19th, the day before her memorial service, Jose and I went to dress our sweet Eva. We were scared, not knowing what we would find or if this would further scar us or heal us. But as I mentioned, like a magical gift from our Father in Heaven, it felt like we were with her again. She felt just as before, soft and delicate, a sleeping angel. Of course I cried, but this time with a gratitude I thought I could never feel, I thanked that sweet angel for letting me care for her, for letting me be her mother. I felt that baby there, we dressed her like we had so many times before. Eva had moments of "hibernation" where she slept for days, and you could bath her, dress her, brush her hair and she slept through everything. It was like being with her for one final goodbye. I know the spirit of the Lord and the spirit of my sweet girl were there, holding me, comforting me and reminding me of our Father in Heaven's promise to eternal families. It was like He whispered in my ear, remember your covenants. We took that feeling and Jose shared our testimonies of that at her memorial service. I know that neither of us could have gotten through our talks without that day with her. We got to share with those that came what we knew about our daughter, about our Father in Heaven's great Plan of Happiness and bout Eva's mission on this earth. The day of her service it was the most composed I had been and I was comforted by so many that shared that day with us. It was a beautiful service because of the love that existed there and in the hearts of those that could not be there with us.<br />
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True to life, in the days that have followed, the physical pain, is still there, not the same as it was in the days after her death and before that visit in the funeral home. I know that, that will take time. However, the knowledge that I will see my perfect daughter again, if I remain faithful to my covenants, comforts me, it has changed me. We talk of God, we talk of truth, we talk. But some times and for some of us, it isn't until we are faced with believing, that we listen. I thought I had listened, I thought I knew about love and about promises but I learned and listened for the first time on June 19, 2012, and I felt the confirmation of the Lord, that He loves me, that He blesses, that He is waiting for us. I also know that Jesus Christ not only provided away for all of us to come back to our Father but that our Father in Heaven truly wants us to be happy and have joy here on earth. It does not mean that we will not face trials, but it means that He is here to comfort us through them, WE ARE NOT ALONE!<br />
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As I stated, I know that it will take time, and as we start our new life here in Indiana, and I unpack things, Eva's things, the tears come back, my heart aches again, I turn to the Lord to comfort me, to help me be the wife my husband needs and the mother my son and soon to be infant daughter need. I am grateful for them too.<br />
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Eva Isabel Peña, was a missionary, the tiniest missionary. I believe Eva's objective on this earth was to teach of Christ, she did not have a pulpit nor could she speak with words, however, Eva loudly proclaimed the teachings of Christ: faith, charity and love!<br />
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I love you forever, I love you for always and I will see you again Eva!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaIfSfnWBbjXhv2-t1A3Prkf69LS_zGm1Q-AujbzUhgjV0qx0EtwbSLDYzXurrk4IDALI1t39iwWmtPmU2Qx_2YxpNVHbwEX9-0w5-HzdqTsv9-J8aiXB2za1wB-75EjdZNWU_Q783QJWQ/s1600/EvaRideforChild.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaIfSfnWBbjXhv2-t1A3Prkf69LS_zGm1Q-AujbzUhgjV0qx0EtwbSLDYzXurrk4IDALI1t39iwWmtPmU2Qx_2YxpNVHbwEX9-0w5-HzdqTsv9-J8aiXB2za1wB-75EjdZNWU_Q783QJWQ/s320/EvaRideforChild.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-43159002445432025622012-03-26T13:10:00.000-07:002012-03-26T13:10:14.318-07:00So Proud of you Big Girl!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhznZybB771ZfYRgjOdxgJwhOj_S01Z95kx8JgQQLwPOK4Y1oGculFSt2IEpjAwHVKJZ7nXt9dNF8QvYTVSDEoBOWaBlZxThLyiwrMWMNpJ19MWCB90F078KUym36tUUzbV_4ex-XkMI1UK/s1600/IMG_7020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhznZybB771ZfYRgjOdxgJwhOj_S01Z95kx8JgQQLwPOK4Y1oGculFSt2IEpjAwHVKJZ7nXt9dNF8QvYTVSDEoBOWaBlZxThLyiwrMWMNpJ19MWCB90F078KUym36tUUzbV_4ex-XkMI1UK/s320/IMG_7020.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>Emotions have been running kind of high in my household as of late. This last few weeks we have given our condolences to some families that have lost their HPE babies. It is heartbreaking to know of how little time they got to have with their angel babies! And on the other end of the spectrum emotions have been high as we continue to prepare Eva for school. It is this thought of school and friends and everyday preschool kid stuff that just fills my heart with gratitude to have Eva! As a stay home mom, I feel like I keep my babies away, all to myself, I am their best friend, their playmate and then the time comes to set them free to make their friends and spend time with other people. I'm ready and I'm not, I'm ready for her to make friends, oh how that thought warms my heart, to think of her "inviting" friends for parties and play dates! I'm not ready to just drop her off and trust someone with her. I admit I am very protective of Eva, I take other's comments in stride about NEEDING to leave her for me time and how we just NEED as mothers to have time away from our kids. Although it is not too far fetched and I understand why its important to some (and even me) but I guess, as I have posted before, I did a lot of that when I was single. I worked a lot, I did a lot of charity work, I had a lot of good times. This is what I asked for and not in a bad way, I never fully knew how much I desired motherhood until I had these kids. I'm indulging in this time in my life, I stay home, I love it, I loved work too when I had to do that and I enjoyed me me me me me when I could do that. But now, I'm grateful and thankful to my husband who shares my views and values me staying home. Someday my time for all my indulgences will come again, when I'm ready. I have a very blessed life, it is quite different than my life before, I have little material things but many more riches!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-68792965608659168912012-03-13T00:22:00.001-07:002012-03-13T00:26:14.659-07:00We are bad picture takers....or posters...bloggers?!After reading blogs and seeing the new Facebook timeline, I realized for the first time...we don't have any honeymoon pictures!<br />
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<b>*******WARNING: If you don't want to hear complaining and if you only like fluffy, "My Life is Perfect" posts, stop reading now and go back to posting on your "My Life is Perfect" blog********</b><br />
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Ok, so I continue, cause after all this is my blog, my thoughts and if you don't like it, please refrain from posting comments, visiting my blog or really lets just stay acquaintances, I like my friends real and after all real people with real lives don't have ANYTHING perfect!!<br />
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I digress, so I really need to work on the memory making. I've noticed their are two kinds of bloggers, the kind that are so creative and artistic and you just literally learn from their blogs. They are positive but not fake, they have bad days and proudly display them, they apologies for gloomy posts but make no apologies about who they are and then there are the everything is beautiful and perfect in my life and whatever isn't I simply will never post it or I cut it out of my life! I admit I read both, the latter sometimes out of sheer obligation but the whole time is like major eye role!!!<br />
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So I will focus on the first blogger, I recently found a few, I love love love their pictures and this is what reminded me that I have no pictures of my honeymoon! We'll we kind of had a last minute honeymoon and the pictures we did have were on our phones (that we no longer own). What I also love about these other bloggers is that they are of all different...let's say sizes, colors, heights etc...but they look amazing in every picture they take and are in! I really think the camera sees right through you, like where you are in life and how you feel about yourself...it doesn't lie or fake! Or the photographer is amazing and it can help the camera do its job!<br />
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I will admit, that I have been aware of my not taking/posting pictures problem for awhile and I do have a ton of pictures since I've had kids (well a ton for me...anyway) but I haven't put them up. I'm also kind of careful about what I want out there in the internet. I have law enforcement in my family and I think that has something to do with it, I just don't want some pedophile searching on the internet for pictures and uses my kids! I just do not like it when little kids are posed topless with only jewelry on or babies with only a tutu on, I know I might sound paranoid but if you heard the true stories I did you would take those off your internet accounts ASAP too!! The other thing I figure, those closest to me will come to my home and see my pictures and look at my albums and be able to see the chronology of our lives! I like that idea!<br />
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Facebook is nice and so is blogging but sometimes its like celebrity, don't put stuff out there that you don't want criticized or reposted somewhere else. I am very conscious by the way of what I blog about too, Oprah once said, (and this was early 90's Oprah) "Don't put anything out there that you don't want in the front page of the New York Times" and that should help you be careful about what you write! It doesn't mean you have to write fluff and perfect stuff only either! What I like most about the real blogs is that they make me feel all is possible, a beautiful family, righteous living and all of this even with bad stuff along the way.<br />
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So I say, I am a recovering bad picture taker...and thank you to all you good bloggers and picture takers for your continued inspiration!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-1429130648081546722012-02-29T22:50:00.003-07:002012-03-01T11:31:21.266-07:00Alobar Holoprosencephaly...I can only speak for myself!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzCozEcL0upIpa4qki_UiCVz81_yXwVq3HPr2bjqe5BbS8PFggcCxiEmyU-awl8IFgg5Hv1epnvZE9cVQ8iG3JygCKS_hPIMm6vaKm039P9BdhJzQl5Lf7XWLvOUenN26pI7DZNlWHXiFt/s1600/IMG_6573.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzCozEcL0upIpa4qki_UiCVz81_yXwVq3HPr2bjqe5BbS8PFggcCxiEmyU-awl8IFgg5Hv1epnvZE9cVQ8iG3JygCKS_hPIMm6vaKm039P9BdhJzQl5Lf7XWLvOUenN26pI7DZNlWHXiFt/s320/IMG_6573.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
H-O-L-O-P-R-O-S-E-N-C-E-P-H-A-L-Y<br />
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Holoprosencephaly...I could hardly say it, let alone spell it, and this word changed my life forever 3 1/2 years ago. I don't know why but lately I've been back there, in those first few days after we heard that diagnosis. What I feel and remember is so real and raw sometimes, how can a word or a phrase or a moment change someone so much. It did. That day, I really really grew up. I was in something that I could not change or have control over. I was in all the way. Never in my life previous had I experienced anything like that, I was a good runner, I could run away, I could let anything go that was "uncomfortable", but this I could not.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcJOz1wzxTQKQTrGHI7Ug3v6fibxtwrKDpCNzx_jVIbgVGKp9gJ_BbjekvKuDdoNC_hzHTSUVCWyTZapWH_AiS5vp5qj0x9SDVF5o9xYRQyIlQpUpLT05em65F7ruiXi0zjv9oVJpYn8lW/s1600/IMG_7182.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcJOz1wzxTQKQTrGHI7Ug3v6fibxtwrKDpCNzx_jVIbgVGKp9gJ_BbjekvKuDdoNC_hzHTSUVCWyTZapWH_AiS5vp5qj0x9SDVF5o9xYRQyIlQpUpLT05em65F7ruiXi0zjv9oVJpYn8lW/s200/IMG_7182.JPG" width="200" /></a>I have encountered many parents with children with similar diagnosis, and to be honest I admire their way of "seeming" to let go and just be "normal". Maybe they say the same about me, but I guess I'm letting the cat out of the bag. It hurts. Sometimes I just want to grab Eva and hug her Well. I want to hear her say momma so bad, I want her to want me and ask for me. I want her to complain and laugh when I tickle her. But when I hold her, I know she knows me and my silliness. I know she knows all of that is not important. When I hold her, I do feel her holding me right back.<br />
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H-O-L-O-P-R-O-S-E-N-C-E-P-H-A-L-Y, I can spell it really fast now, I can say it without stutter. Please ask me about Eva, Please don't just stare. Please let your little children ask about her and not make them turn away. I know with out a doubt in my mind, that even without language Eva can speak volumes to you. Let me tell you about her. Let me share her with you.<br />
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I may not Tweet, Facebook or Blog our every day lives. I may not post medications that she takes, or post pictures of procedures she's had, but thank you to the parents that do, I know you educate by doing that, I'm not there yet. Medically speaking what Eva has is what Eva has, what time she has is the time she has, there is no cure, there is no fix, there is only purpose. I want to share with everyone who Eva is not what she has, and I don't know exactly how to do that. I mean, the last, very last thing I want is for anyone to ever look at my daughter and Feel sorry for her or me. I never want to put her in that light, Eva is happy being Eva and she teaches the rest of us that its ok, particularly mom! I'm still a little bit in a bubble about Eva, thus far my blogging has been about it, I'm working on it!<br />
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I am so proud of her work in therapy, about her going to school soon, about her cute long hair. But I swear that little girl is a teacher! She taught me how to spell, H-O-L-O-P-R-O-S-E-N-C-E-P-H-A-L-Y, M-O-T-H-E-R and more importantly F-O-R-E-V-E-R!<br />
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I can only speak for myself and our situation in regards to Alobar Holoprosencephaly, and how we live with it, what medical avenues we've chosen and what kind of intervention if any we will take. It is not a condition that can be boxed, although a physician and a scientist may say different. Although many children look similar, every single one of them is different. Although some parents may want to be an HPE experts they can only be an expert on their child, not any one else's. <br />
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If you find yourself there, If you find yourself hearing a doctor utter that word to you, remember two things. You are not alone and You are the captain of the ship, it is your child and your decision, physicians are there to provide guidance and answer questions but it is all your decision!<br />
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I leave you with these thoughts, I needed to just get them out there!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-44120936827633267362012-01-24T23:05:00.001-07:002012-01-24T23:09:24.922-07:00Boy have I been waiting for this one!!Words can not express the emotions that have gone on these last few weeks or month in our home! We literally have had an abundance of support and blessings, "the heavens have poured out her blessings" on us! Brothers and Sisters, Friends, Family, perfect Strangers...the Lord hears and answers our prayers! If you didn't know this, KNOW it, if you KNEW it, don't forget it, if you want to know, ASK Him, go to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit!!!<br />
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First of all....I have been waiting, some days not so patiently, waiting to post this:<br />
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<b>JOSE GOT INTO</b> <b>MEDICAL SCHOOL, </b>he has been invited to Indiana University's School of Medicine's class of 2016, that is right, he did it and as I stated above...the Lord answers prayers! I know Jose will do wonderfully in medical school, I know that he can compete with the best of them. I also know that the Lord's hand was in his getting accepted! Jose worked hard after very difficult back to back semesters, when we found out about Eva's diagnosis and when Eva was born. He spent the next almost two years trying to recover. On paper and by grades and scores, he did not seem so competitive(in the MD arena anyway)...shame on you schools who did not take your opportunity to interview him and really get to know who he was, shame on you not seeing this diamond in the rough!!<br />
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<b>Hooray Indiana</b>...for your insight in choosing first of all to interview Jose and then for inviting him into your class!<br />
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Jose got into Indiana (top ranking medical school by the way) after only 2 rounds of interviewee considerations (2 rounds from his interview date). His interview trip to Indiana was full of blessings from the moment he got his interview day (on his birthday), to finding a great person to stay with (transplant surgeon), to getting a great interviewer, a physician (who first hand had experienced having a very sick child)...coincidence or the Lord's hand at work? My husband is a hard worker, honest and true! But we ultimately thank our Father in Heaven for His constant watch over our family and Jose!<br />
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Heavenly Father, clearly, asks us to do the work, Jose did just that, he also encourages us to not only remember Him in thanksgiving but to ask for what we want (righteously of course)! What have you done for Him lately or for your neighbor? I ask myself this question all of the time. In our case I feel that Heavenly Father's blessings are this constant reminder for us NEVER to forget to serve His children. I may not have grandiose means to serve His children, but I am reminded that I can serve Him without grand gestures, just pure intentions!<br />
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I can't really begin to explain the wonderful wonderful inspired people that we find in our lives. Amazing, thoughtful, generous and kind people who have taught us the meaning of being a servant of Christ. Where I have seen the dark in people I have seen 10 more with love, generosity and kindness! That has been a blessing.<br />
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I hope I never forget this moment in our lives....<br />
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I have been waiting to blog about these feelings, waiting to get that oh so big news, but as I sit her typing I realize, there are no words powerful enough to express the way I feel! Its BIG and I'm with a full heart!<br />
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I hope friends and family that you can help hold me accountable for these words I share with you today, for these feelings that are so big and that you help me remember!!<br />
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Jose and I are fully aware that any journey we take in life big or small does not have to be alone, we have never been alone. Even in the furthest place from people we knew, from our family....we were never alone. Loneliness is a feeling we chose to have or not to have. I had to tell myself that many times, we really are never alone. Jose and I welcome this new journey and chapter in our lives, we maybe moving 2,000 miles away from our family but we know we are never alone.<br />
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The world is smaller than we know and time goes faster than we care to acknowledge. Let's make the most of this wonderful chance at life we have been given, that's how it should be from the get go, right?<br />
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Anyway, its been an overwhelming month, weeks and few days!<br />
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I can't wait to see whats around that corner!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-67271981923719121932012-01-10T22:12:00.000-07:002012-01-10T22:12:26.293-07:00The Articles of FaithSo I committed to myself this year I would blog more, I've committed to that like a hundred times so bare with me...LOL! Anyhow this post came from a small prompting as I was thinking of what I would like to share, outside of my family situation, in a blog. The Articles of Faith are thirteen statements of LDS beliefs, they were written in order to explain our beliefs as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! Here they are:<br />
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1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.<br />
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2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression<br />
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3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.<br />
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4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; Second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.<br />
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5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.<br />
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6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists and so forth.<br />
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7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.<br />
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8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.<br />
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9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.<br />
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10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.<br />
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11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.<br />
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12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.<br />
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13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.<br />
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Writing this blog has allowed me to remember the promises I made in baptism and the covenants I entered into. As I share these beliefs, these Articles of Faith, I am reminded that there are some things I do not honor so well and that I must do a better job. If you have any further questions on these articles or other beliefs of the LDS church, please feel free to stop by at LDS.org or Mormon.orgLos Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-19940147159409108482012-01-08T09:14:00.004-07:002012-01-08T20:50:22.558-07:00Happy Happy New Year!!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXRWg_R__V0V-iFMkBKwCtslZnLjgAXo1I9dMtOZdAE_d9u4Y29msq_6a9MaHcjA6tpao9ihwu_3_ltLKIJjGkLJc29ZML7BT_mDpv8cPsBMjCZaMb6rKv-bpioiogoyNWXa-nt_oRel8E/s1600/IMG_6962.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXRWg_R__V0V-iFMkBKwCtslZnLjgAXo1I9dMtOZdAE_d9u4Y29msq_6a9MaHcjA6tpao9ihwu_3_ltLKIJjGkLJc29ZML7BT_mDpv8cPsBMjCZaMb6rKv-bpioiogoyNWXa-nt_oRel8E/s200/IMG_6962.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695474521701063810" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBIR4WTJel7xha-FAJZ565EFZ6OS36bs93dMPbsIbYRK4C9Mm97p3weClHrALiFq2vexW2quEPO6bW2_KhL9oiXqhmSlXKNJ5GKdWUPKZfvwBOjXVTh-sRGYahm3sIwSfG7Rngc9CWY_5M/s1600/IMG_6939.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBIR4WTJel7xha-FAJZ565EFZ6OS36bs93dMPbsIbYRK4C9Mm97p3weClHrALiFq2vexW2quEPO6bW2_KhL9oiXqhmSlXKNJ5GKdWUPKZfvwBOjXVTh-sRGYahm3sIwSfG7Rngc9CWY_5M/s200/IMG_6939.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695474516627043522" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie9pNPoTP5-fZrICLRSp132JDA5KkgkcTiPBLloBOaUY7oII66TXOgB3Ie4Tiea66YmhPXgTspMwugSypBuYoCDKMRYj-ALNETMt3VlHx_gxbE8WDGLaky64bggOBHmu0ev215tPU0mRhr/s1600/IMG_7042.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie9pNPoTP5-fZrICLRSp132JDA5KkgkcTiPBLloBOaUY7oII66TXOgB3Ie4Tiea66YmhPXgTspMwugSypBuYoCDKMRYj-ALNETMt3VlHx_gxbE8WDGLaky64bggOBHmu0ev215tPU0mRhr/s200/IMG_7042.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695474498722266866" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8yqxT3-uW4tpCifIiQ3K-5KhWKCDiiersXakyXFooCvuOApchOBMwDBk7VXtMkJS4TnIuDCGbHo3GVjLu6B6G7GmxWTLBtsWlyY1pVHgPlAv-vI2p-dmoXMjxjkO_FLhW-9tdltZCNA-q/s1600/IMG_7018.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8yqxT3-uW4tpCifIiQ3K-5KhWKCDiiersXakyXFooCvuOApchOBMwDBk7VXtMkJS4TnIuDCGbHo3GVjLu6B6G7GmxWTLBtsWlyY1pVHgPlAv-vI2p-dmoXMjxjkO_FLhW-9tdltZCNA-q/s200/IMG_7018.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695474493721908210" /></a><br />Looking back on 2011, as years past, it was pretty memorable and full of learning opportunities!<br /><br />Jose graduated from BYU, Evandro celebrated his 1st birthday, Eva has continued to gain weight, and work hard for her physical therapist and well for myself, I went back to school and felt pretty triumphant with finishing the semester with all As (if you know me and know my past academics, that is quite a triumph!). We moved twice in 2011, celebrated 4 years of marriage and the best news of all came on December 16th in the way of a phone call, Jose was invited to A.T. Still University for medical school. I can't explain the weight that was lifted with that phone call for both of us (temporarily anyway, to be explained later).<br /><br />I have watch for the last 4 years as Jose has met every challenge that this career choice has put in front of him, personally, academically and spiritually. He has risen to every occasion, some times gracefully and well, some times not so gracefully...LOL!! There is much much more to face, and it is a lot more complicated than just getting this first acceptance, I won't bore anyone with the immediate details but if anyone's children are interested in medical school or if you are planning on that path, feel free to ask!<br /><br />This New Year was wonderful, basking in the Arizona sun, it was 77 degrees on New Year's Eve, chilly at night but the days were amazing! We got to spend time with family, both Jose's and mine, we hadn't done that in a long time. Ironically, we have only began to enjoy the outdoors here in Arizona, when we moved back in late April/May, Provo was still chilly, and we had been just coming out of our winter hibernation...LOL! When we came to Arizona, it was 100 (million) degrees and well we went into a summer hibernation! So fall time in Arizona is heavenly, hiking, playing in the park, biking, running! Its just gorgeous from October to about April.<br /><br />What will 2012 bring? Well, so far it has brought a new wheelchair stroller for Eva, she looks like such a big girl in her chair and it helps her interact so much more than her baby chair did! In a few weeks Ms. Eva turns 3 years old and once again reaching a milestone. 2012 will bring one to two moves (my favorite...not!), the start of Jose's medical training, and I'm sure many more challenges to face as well as lessons to learn.<br /><br />I am grateful for the selfless people in our lives that have helped us face our challenges, that have supported us when we didn't know where to turn or where help would come from. This last year was full of the Lord's blessings and merciful love. He has touched our hearts to help us serve, he has touched others hearts who have served us!<br /><br />I have a very strong testimony that our Father in Heaven hears our prayers and that He knows our every thought, desire and heartache. I know He loves us and is ready to help us if we are just willing to ask and humble ourselves. <br /> <br />I have high hopes for 2012, I pray that I will be ready to meet any challenge with the help of my Father in Heaven!<br /><br />Happy Happy 2012 to you my friends and family!!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-24808547909407041412011-12-11T09:34:00.004-07:002012-01-08T20:30:43.318-07:00Tis the Season...for TAMALES!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNN-s1-Wz8_MW_T3p39JwHFwjPtiysXtAHzpPnN2DsdFUwwSnp4r9TCzimhCmoO9EqqXjJfaC8kmwijFzTOrui5iyzhe_DK8fgvmfAhJYQA5g4pLKIACVP2GfwmhRXtX36zxq44zFziKMa/s1600/IMG_6705.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNN-s1-Wz8_MW_T3p39JwHFwjPtiysXtAHzpPnN2DsdFUwwSnp4r9TCzimhCmoO9EqqXjJfaC8kmwijFzTOrui5iyzhe_DK8fgvmfAhJYQA5g4pLKIACVP2GfwmhRXtX36zxq44zFziKMa/s200/IMG_6705.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695469486473548882" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXmvuCIEs51Wyy8slom0sCiVCY5xC2zOSB-8SBRfaXfOT2Xz27nXQyx9v1amuZA9zctPsWayhuiOCb4C6qUyLGmR2Qstat8DWDRw0_EEbPs6luxQdtfPPpnGbHr7wTyJymRJebpAl96M35/s1600/IMG_6701.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXmvuCIEs51Wyy8slom0sCiVCY5xC2zOSB-8SBRfaXfOT2Xz27nXQyx9v1amuZA9zctPsWayhuiOCb4C6qUyLGmR2Qstat8DWDRw0_EEbPs6luxQdtfPPpnGbHr7wTyJymRJebpAl96M35/s200/IMG_6701.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695469478219415570" /></a><br />This that time of year when the Christmas decorations go up and hardworking Mexican women brave prepare their kitchens for tamale making! So this was my first year in a very very long time making tamales, for the last three Christmas seasons I've been in Utah and previous to that....well I was a single gal and frankly spending very late nights spreading masa was not really on my agenda (I know bad girl)! In my family my oldest sister, Cata, has taken the lead and selflessly has helped preserve the traditions of our grandmothers. There is almost a whole day dedicated to just making the meat and chile and to preparing the masa for spreading! We then have to soak corn husks so that they are soft and pliable. After all that people are so anxious to eat tamales that we are willing to stay up to wee hours of the morning spreading masa on the husks, so my sister can add the meat, close them up and put them in the tamale pot (huge huge pot that fits like 13 dozen tamales!). It's really like a two to three night event and the first night your so excited for the tamales that sleep is just not an option...LOL!! By the next night you can probably only hang till about midnight and since my sister works that just about takes up her whole weekend so then we extend it to the following weekend. Its like a love love hate relationship for the tamale preparer. You love love the wonderful memories they prompt of your grandmother of simpler days of Christmas and family time. However, it is so labor intensive a tinge of hate creeps in as you spread and spread and spread that masa on each and every odd shaped corn husk, they never seem to end. But then the love comes back as you smell them and then get to taste the first tamale, like having a baby maybe, you just forget and enjoy!<br />The last two nights Jose and I helped make tamales and boy were we pooped and all we did was spread masa, imagine how the preparer feels, my mom and my sister...what would we all do without them?! <br /><br />Thank you for keeping tradition, thank you for teaching it, I promise I will preserve it and pass it down to my children! I will sign off now and I'm off to eat Chocolate Abuelita and a tamalito!!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-62442840496344916782011-12-04T21:40:00.003-07:002011-12-04T22:05:10.988-07:00Well Here We AreI guess if I posted more consistently I would be so far behind on pictures and wouldn't be jumping all over the place! Well, here we are 7 months in Arizona and almost 8 months since Jose graduated from BYU. In the time since graduation, we have moved, started new services for Eva in Arizona, Vandro had a 1st birthday and started to walk, Jose took the MCAT, and undertook the very grueling task of applying to 16 medical schools and received 16 secondaries (to a primary application), has received two rejections and 6 interview invitations, Moved again, Vandro runs (not just walks) and "plays" soccer, Eva has grown about 2 inches and is waiting for her big girl car seat and big girl stroller wheelchair, and mom returned to school (Mom, Gabby)!<br /><br />It really feels like a lot has happened but on the same token, we feel in the same place. All of Jose's medical school interviews have been insightful and exciting. Every time he has an interview, his desire to become a physician is confirmed! I can not tell you how amazing it is to see your spouse as their best self. Jose just lights up with anything medical, we are so grateful for being this far on our journey. The interesting part is that there is so much more waiting to be done with respect to applying and getting accepted into medical school. He has gotten as far as the interview process and well that's huge and great, the more interviews the better chance of you getting into some where. However, it can be from now till March and the latest July before we could potentially get an answer of, Yes (your accepted into our school), No (sorry but no offer) or Waitlisted (we want you but there is no space for you)...the latter two would seriously be heartbreaking so we're going for a solid YES! The waiting is torture!!!!<br /><br />In the meantime, Jose applied to be a substitute teacher at a couple of school districts here in Tucson and adjusting to being with the babies (and their schedules) more, which I think makes him miss school a lot more than he thought...LOL!! We are really enjoying our time together, Jose and I and the babies!<br /><br />I will try to post more often, hence have more pictures!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-330972538222602489.post-89749602271439131162011-11-09T07:39:00.001-07:002011-11-09T07:47:10.597-07:00Interesting...Happy Birthday Babe!Today is my wonderful husband's birthday....the big 27! He happens to be in Indiana for a medical school interview, what a birthday gift! Interestingly enough, because he is in Indiana and wanted to show pictures of our kids and family, he doesn't ever post anything on Facebook...I'm back on!! Well that certainly was a short breakup...LOL!<br /><br />More importantly, I got to say Happy Birthday in many locations to Jose!Los Peñahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10121703020484733902noreply@blogger.com0