1st Birthday in Heaven!!

For many there are certain dates in your life you can't ever forget, events, moments etc... I count myself in those many.  The most recent important dates are the birth dates for my children and even as young as we are to have experienced this, a death date.  Well this post will be mostly about the former!

Four years ago today January 28, 2009, was one of the most defining dates for me, it changed me as a person, as a woman and it made me a mother!  Can you believe one little date can exact such profound things?  Me either!  Along with that date came a beautiful and yes perfect little girl, she had a broken body, yet still so perfect.

Eva Isabel Pena, came unexpectedly but right on queue!  We needed her to come because my brother and sister were in town and could only stay for about a week, it felt like such a short window for Eva to make an appearance and like the most perfectly obedient daughter, she did, I prayed for her to come on the January 28th, so her aunt and uncle could be there and so my doctor could deliver her. I remember holding my breath to hear a cry, our perinatologist was very clear that Eva would most like be stillborn or only live a few minutes or hours.  She cried, the loudest...strongest cry!  I had a c-section, so Jose brought her over close to my face so I could kiss her and she started to suck on my nose.  If you had been there for all of the doctor visits, for all the depressing appointments where I was told everything I wouldn't have with my daughter or everything she wouldn't do, you would understand how amazing this was, her sucking on my nose.  How instinctual, how amazing as God's tiniest of creations, to know this is how I eat!
This moments with her in the operating room where priceless, I didn't get to see her again until they finished sewing me up and before I went to my room they took me to the NICU where she was.  It was hard to say goodbye, to not be able to hold her immediately.  But all that was good, our birth plan was that if she was dead or not doing well (we had a DNR) we would get all the rest of the time with her in the operating room, so her going to the NICU and me to my room was a good sign that she was doing well.  Because of drugs that day after her actual birth gets blurry. I know that my brother and sister stayed with us till late and like the little worker bees they are went back to my house and finished making tamales (we were in the process of making them, when I had to go to the hospital), they welcomed my in-laws, who drove right away to Utah from Arizona upon hearing that Eva would be coming, and they finished those tamales at 4 in the morning!!

Well I said that this post was going to be mostly, but not all about her birth day and that's only because recalling her birth and the wonderful feelings inevitably makes me recall her death date. 

I only knew Eva for 4 years (counting my pregnancy), but my heart aches for her as if I knew her my lifetime.  I have had days where I don't know if I could do this anymore, hurt this much.  Like I just want to lay in bed and sleep and pray to dream her, just so I could be near her one more time.  

But I will share with you my other blessings, my other two children, they keep me in the present and all though this pain is something I must go through, Vandro and Camila provide me joy in the present.  Even when Vandro is being a 2 year old and completely unreasonable and well Mila can't do anything annoying (yet), I am grateful for to be a mother.  

I think of my mother and all the other mothers that are too familiar with this pain of loss, be it from a miscarriage, still birth, infant or other loss or from the pain of dealing with the loss of a dream for your children.  

I often say to people I mourned twice for my daughter, the day of our diagnosis and the day of her death.  Eva was our 1st baby, normally you announce to the world you are pregnant, you dream and wonder what they will look like, what it will be like to be called mama or papa.  You anxiously wait to find out if it is a boy or a girl, you buy cute outfits and imagine so many things for their future.  On the day we received our news about Eva's condition, time stopped for me.  I had to process this news that this little life inside of me, that I felt kick and move, was not going to live (or that's what they made clear more than anything).  Everything we had dreamed for our 1st born was gone with one word, Holoprosencephaly.  To be quite honest, I don't know that I really stopped grieving my daughter's condition.  I feel just awful saying it but its true, you are strong, you do all you need to do for them, the love drives the energy, I know it does. But in my quietest times, in the still of the night, I would cry, my heart would ache to hear, "mama, or I love you".  I had to look deep into Eva's eyes to know that she was listening, that she knew I knew she loved me. 

Last night as I searched for answers from the Lord, I went to our church's website, lds.org and I typed in grief.  Now I had done this a few nights ago and came to a talk called "Sunday will come" and although I didn't read the talk at that moment, the title in itself was an answer to a question.  Well last night as I searched again, I saw a talk called, "Refining Fire of Grief"...maybe this is a bit narcissistic but I felt like wow the Lord made the Ensign (church magazine) for me!  I want to share this talk with you, especially those that are suffering with grief and loss.  The Lord knows of you and he is well aware of all your needs, even if we chose to deny we have them.  He is waiting for us to open the door and let him in.  We have a picture of Christ in our bedroom with a saying next to it, it reads, "My way may not be easy but its worth it"

"The Refining Fire of Grief", by Ashley Isaacson Woolley

Brothers and sisters, let me tell you that I know this is true!  His way is not easy, I know that the sacrifices the Lord asks us to make are minuscule to the blessings he's waiting to impart!  I hope this message brings you comfort as it did me!

And today, please help me in remembering my Eva and her almost 4 years on this earth. Help me in remembering her bravery, her spirit and especially her smile and the sparkle in her eyes!  Happy Birthday my Sweet angel baby, mama misses you and you are and will be forever in my heart and someday we will all be reunited!!  Till then run and dance and sing on this 1st Birthday in heaven!

Welcome home Baby Mila!!!

 Camila David Peña, born October 30, 2012 in Indianapolis, IN, 8lbs, 13oz and 21 3/4 inches long!!

Camila gets her name from my paternal grandmother David Contreras Diaz, I wish I had a picture of my grandmother to include, I'll have to look for one and add it later!  My grandmother was such a sweet soul, she was, as I like to say, a saint among sinners!! She was always kind and loving...I can still feel her wet kisses!!  She loved her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and she made efforts to get to know all of us!! She was a woman of God, she was humble and I know that I have felt my grandmother with me through some of my most challenging experiences!

We are so proud to give Camila such a valuable name!  We hope that she too will come to know her great grandmother and be proud to carry her name!

Camila is so sweet and she has brought so much joy into our home!

I can tell you that Jose, Vandro and I have truly enjoyed having her home, she brings happiness and HoPE into our home.  These last 5 months have been difficult, some days we are fine, some days it feels so hard to make it through the day.  The pain of missing Eva can still feel as though she was taken from us yesterday!

 Camila brings Eva's spirit into our home, I can see Eva in her eyes and in her smile!  It is so amazing to know that Camila was just with Eva before she crossed the veil to this world and into our family!  I know Eva spoke about us, I know she counseled Mila on how to care for us.

We are so grateful for Camila and for the her timing!  Just when we thought our hearts could not break anymore, she came into our lives as if to rescue us from heartbreak!

We will always miss Eva...but these children remind us of the future of our growing family and how they all are an extension of Jose and I, of Eva!

WELCOME HOME CAMILA!!!!!!!

4 months, 16 weeks, 120 days....

Tomorrow, October 15th will mark 4 months since Eva left us.  I saw this poem on a friend's Facebook page and I wanted to share it on my blog.

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not here to see,
If the sun should rise
and find your eyes all filled with tears for me, 
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today. 
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. 
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

-Author unknown

I miss my Eva so much, this was a nice reminder of that fact that she too knows how much I miss her!!

Steel Magnolias

It should read, "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful..."

 Steel Magnolias, it has to be one of my all time favorite movies, if you know me, you know how much I love this movie and that I've seen it like a million times and can recite it verbatim.
The movie came out in '89, I was in junior high getting ready to go into high school.  The movie has meant different things to me at different stages of my life.  In high school it was a movie about great friends supporting each other through some of the most trying times of their lives.  Later in adulthood the movie was about how friends needed to some times "get into" each others business because they loved them. However, as a mother, I think I got more of Sally Field's character.  The most poignant scene for me was at her daughter's gravesite when she kind of had a "bipolar" moment, she was solemn and composed and then cried and screamed with anger, asking "why", only to composed herself again and then have a laughing fit with friends.  It just reminded me of the roller coasters of emotions that I personally go through in the days and months since Eva's passing.  Although, I no longer had that group of girlfriends, I had my husband with me and I've had his friendship through this all.  That scene, also had some powerful words to remember, like:

"I realize as a woman how lucky I am, I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out"

I was there when Eva "drifted" into my life and I was "there" when she passed, well at least I felt her still warm body after she passed, I think she knew to leave me before because I couldn't or wouldn't say goodbye so easily.

In these days and weeks before baby Camila comes, I guess I am more emotional, more pensive (than usual anyway).  I know I've said it before either to you personally or through my blog, but I value my private time to cry or to have my outbursts of emotions, I'm not exactly comfortable with doing it out in front of "the world".  I'm grateful for this time with my little family.

I have valued all of my children's births, that time in the hospital to hold them and marvel over them, it has been important to me.  This time around, I have a rambunctious, fun loving little 2 year old at home, who I know I will be comforting as the reality of his little sister coming to live with us, hits him.  So that time with Mila in the hospital will be nice for me (and Jose).  We need to welcome her in our own way.

I want to leave you with this smiling picture of Eva, she had just gotten her hair braided by my cousin, her Tia.  This picture makes me think that this is how she will be smiling as we welcome her baby sister into our family!

So I leave you with one of my other favorite quotes from the movie, where Julia Roberts' character tells her mother why its important for her to be a mother despite the "danger" associated with it.  I have thought of this quote many many times in my time as a mother!

"I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special"

I miss you my sweet girl!!

Thank you Tia Aurora for my braids!

The changes on the horizon!

There are so many changes to come and so many changes that have occurred.  It seems that the ole saying, "the only constant is change" is again being proven in my home.

I never was a fan of change, I thought I was in my youth, always wanting something different than I had, thinking that, "only if I had..." or "only if I was..." would make a difference.  I've learned with time that there are no"if only I had" or "if only I was"...there is, however, "I have" and "I am".  Knowing and understand who I am and what I have has helped me through some of the most difficult times of change in my life.

10 days ago marked Eva being gone 3 months, this weekend I turned 35 weeks pregnant and 5 weeks closer to bringing a new baby home.  With Jose starting Medical School almost 6 weeks ago this adds another dimension of change.  The schedule change!  All of us are a little lost right now and trying quickly to adjust because the other thing that is constant is that time will move forward, with or with out you!

Their is good change and their is bad or hard to adjust to change. I think losing Eva is a little of all three...good that she is taken care of now, getting better care than I could ever give her, she is perfect, she is in celestial glory!  Bad because I miss her, I want to wake up to her every day and it hurts that I can't, I want to feel her close to me like before...its bad because of how selfish I am to want her with me.  Hard to adjust, well, I was Eva and Eva was me...I am now different, I'm adjusting to the mother and wife the rest of my family needs me to be.  I'm adjusting to learning to "live" without Eva. I'm adjusting to how others see our family without Eva, without that little red wheelchair at our side.  This journey of change is long and unpredictable...two things I hate the most...but its my lesson to learn.  

The same is applied to the other two changes in our lives, Jose starting medical school and Ms Baby Mila coming into our home in about 5 weeks. Its good, bad and hard to adjust to change.  The obvious good is Jose is on his way to becoming a physician a dream of his and we are welcoming a healthy baby girl into our family and growing our family.  The bad, Jose is never home and we miss him like crazy, school is super demanding and will be for many many years, the bad with a new baby...well...I guess the bad is that I don't know if we're ready!  The hard to adjust is, Jose's schedule and seeing him so stressed, it seems like there is a ridiculously difficult test around every corner.  Medical school is like undergrad x100...he has 4 classes of super hard and more tests to take in a shorter amount of time!  With baby Mila, I know it will be hard to adjust to breastfeeding again (even though I just stopped 5 months ago), her sleeping patterns etc...

So why do we do it?  Why torture ourselves, why not just live at home forever and never venture out into the world...well that's no fun either!

So here comes the part that I figured out (and am still figuring out), the who "I am" and the what "I have".  I Am a woman, a child of God, that came to earth with a purpose.  My purpose is to learn, to learn about joy, sorrow and pain, happiness, love and charity.  Becoming a wife, joining in an eternal companionship, becoming a mother and building a forever family is how I learn those things.  My husband, my children and especially my Eva have taught me all about the above.  Without them I don't know if I would understand God, I think I might have from reading a book or simply studying the scriptures, but I know that my Father in Heaven knew me better...He said, "you are 'a learn on the job', type of girl" and here he gave me this family.  So it comes to what I Have, a marriage that promises me change around every corner...and I'm Learning to love it....I Have an Angel baby, she, Eva promised me change from the moment we found out about her condition.  I Have, my other children, they too have promised me change, simply by growing, learning and needing me.  I Have this family that supports me, and build me up, they believe in me and my dreams!

I'm not sure what this post is, upbeat or a bit down, I'll let you be the judge of that.  But for me, its just about reflection.  Looking back and looking forward.  I can tell you that I hope to write more about my journey with a bit a Eva in every post...I can't forget my Eva and with our new addition in the latest pictures!

I never say, "I wonder what will happen next".  Because anything can happen!  It has happened to me too many times!

This is the last picture we took of all four of us a few weeks before Eva passed away...how I wish we would have done our family pictures in Utah, like I had originally planned!  This too has been a lesson for me..."never put off tomorrow, what you can do today!"

This is my handsome boy, just a few weeks ago, in a race car...he was in heaven!  He too is changing very quickly!!

I love my family, I love the journey that brought me to this point, I wouldn't have it any other way!

ForEva in our Hearts!!

North Carolina and FFH

Let me start with, its a bummer that I have not been able to post new pictures up, we are in serious transition and just dumb luck that both of our computers malfunctioning right now.  Student life is not easy financially.  You see your friends taking vacations, buying new clothes, new houses, new cars and well we are lightyears away from doing all of that, yes even clothes!  Anyway, that is another post for another time...the life and journey to of a future physician!!

So I've said it a few times but haven't really commented on the fact that we are now living in Indiana.  Living on this side of the country offered us the opportunity to attend the last HPE conference in North Carolina.  Last week we had the great privilege of driving through some of the south from Kentucky, Ohio, Tennessee to the Carolinas.  It was just beautiful, I think we fell in love with that drive, coming from the west coast and southwest, its just a different kind of appreciation of the Lord's marvelous creations.  The people in the south are just...what can I say, welcoming!  Southern hospitality was in full force and we got a lot of it everywhere!  It was really welcoming and man what a change from where we've been!

Our trip was to, as I stated the HPE conference, in Concord, North Carolina.  HPE conferences are held every two years and we had been going back and forth as to whether or not we should attend.  Before Eva passed we thought we would for sure go, two years is a life time when you have a child with a "terminal" condition, you just don't know if they'll make the next one.  Things however, got hairy with moving across the country, the pregnancy, finances and Jose starting school only a few weeks after the conference, so we remained unsure.  After Eva passed, I thought I had my answer, it would just be impossible to go to the conference and be around all those families with there kiddos.  I mean I would probably fall apart and emotionally, I just didn't know what I could handle.  About a week or so before the conference, and after quite a bit of reflection, I could hear my Eva telling me, "you need this, you need them".  So we began to think about the trip again, after all Eva brought us to Indiana, and the conference was on this side of the country and a short 10 hour drive (same distance as Utah to Arizona about).  We made our plans to go, but I really didn't even get us packed until the night before we left, I just didn't want to think about it, its funny when you know something is right, you just know, I usually have coolers and food, clothes planned out etc..  I've gotten quite good at packing for the four of us, and considering I always had to think about Eva's food, feeding pump and bags, medical supplies etc... packing 3 people seemed like nothing!

When we arrived at our hotel, I was still not sure of myself and how things would feel, I felt extremely reserved.  We checked in and went straight to our room, I saw some families but just couldn't bring myself to say hi yet.  We got settled into our room, I knew Vandro wanted to swim (his new favorite thing to do), so we got him ready to swim.  Jose and he went down to the pool first and I stayed behind.  I had brought with us some collage pictures I made of Eva, one of her younger years and one of her later years.  I sat with her for a bit, I got on my knees and I prayed to my Father in Heaven.  I prayed for courage, I prayed to enjoy these families and I prayed for the ability to serve them.  Its so strange but so real that when you serve others, it truly lifts your burdens.  I went down stairs to the pool with my family, and saw these sweet girls (HPE kiddos) in the pool with their mothers.  Oh, my emotions were on the surface, I'm glad I was wearing sunglasses and in the pool, because I could not stop the waterworks. I wanted to grab them and hug them, their little spirits are so strong, one in particular made me think of Eva.  She just had this little face and smile that looked exactly like my daughter.  It was a good feeling!

After the pool we met with some of the board members and their families for dinner (I'm a board member of Families for HoPE, Inc. incidentally), we got to talk logistics about he conference, what still needed to be done, where they would need us etc..  The next day was Sunday, we greeted and registered the families that were coming in, we had some fun "get to know each other" activities with the other families.  What a great way to start the conference week.

The week was just wonderful, Vandro went to preschool all week at the kids camp they had, he did crafts, they were given lessons, they had a little play area outside.  He did pretty good, we we're so proud of him!  Jose and I were able to attend our own workshops, Hope and Healing workshops.  These workshops were focused more on loss, there were a couple of us in there that had recently lost a child.  It was so comforting to be able to express the different and wide range of emotions it feels like you go through.  There is/was so much involved in the care of Eva that no one really ever saw or experienced like I did.  I realized that my circle of close friends consisted of, my social worker, Eva's doctor, teachers, therapists and nurse that came and saw her twice a week.  When Eva passed, she not only left a huge void but so did the loss of everyone that I spoke to on a daily basis.  My everyday conversations were always about Eva and what Eva needed, what she was doing or how she was feeling.  Our plans evolved around her too.  So needless to say, my world was turned upside down and inside out.  Jose really didn't even know how much that affected me because he has always had to do "outside" things and had other obligations.  I was between two worlds, as I have often seen things. The one was my reality and the other the perception that I chose to give others.  Going to the hope and healing sessions helped me realize that I wasn't crazy, this feeling of "no one understanding" was replaced with the feeling of "I'm not alone".  The week was filled with visiting with families, chatting with old friends, that you just met and some that you see only every two years!  We stayed up late and got up early.

Having a child with special needs is well, special, different.  Although your family adjusts, the rest of the world is yet to catch up.  I can fully admit that I was not one that  was comfortable with different, I think a lot of people are the same way.  I mean unless you've had it in your life, you just don't know.  Having Eva gave me some wonderful perspective.  She definitely taught me how to love, how to be compassionate, and how to serve.  I think when she got her wheelchair and was out of her baby chair, I also experienced different lessons, like how uncomfortable people get around someone that looks and acts different.  Because of that I think I learned how to teach.  Eva had multiply seizures, Eva had screaming seizures, she wretched and she vomited.  She had times where her mucus build up was so much that she would just cough and gage until we could get it out.  She had a suction machine, that I chose not to use because it seemed so invasive, so I did everything myself.  Now imagine going to dinner and being sat in the middle of the dining room, you just notice everyone noticing you.  Eva was absolutely gorgeous, sweet, how could you not notice her but mostly I could see that the other things she did were what people took notice of.
So back to the conference, here we were sharing meals and playtime and visiting with each other and no one looked uncomfortable with what was going on around them.  There were families with loud children, because of seizures or spasms.  There were suction machines on and no one turned to look at what that strange noise was.  There were HPE kiddos that were being fed by there g-tubes or being fed like a baby with food all over their faces, trach tubes being cleared or cleaned, machines of all kinds going off... and no one stared.  Someone stated, "here WE are the normal".

How we missed Eva at that conference, but she was there.  She was known to everyone there, even those that never met her.  She was part of there family too!  We had joined a club, we did not ask to be a part of!
It was a comforting week and a challenge to leave.  We were just quiet on the drive home.  I guess reality was hitting me, we are getting ready for this new chapter, without Eva.  It was scary and a bit lonely.  When we got home, we had a few Eva things to greet us.  Angel Watch, the program we had been a part of in Utah, had sent us a bear their seamstress made out of Eva's blanket, Jose's aunt sent us a little angel figurine and then on our table was this beautiful arrangement of flowers that Eva's preschool teachers sent us.  What a merciful moment it was for me, for our family to be welcomed home in this way.

Our trip to NC and the conference was exactly what we needed to get this new chapter underway, we have a lot of work to do, grief is not something that you get done and take off your to do list, it is long and it can be for the rest of your life.  It just changes as time goes on.  I know that many people don't know what to say, and that the loss of a child creates even more discomfort than that of an adult.  I recognize that as friends and family it is not easy either, not knowing what to say or at times how to act.  So let me tell you this, I don't either!  I don't think something like this, is something you get good at.  We are all just trying to do our best, so my best advice to you who want to comfort or find the perfect words or gestures and maybe we aren't being the most helpful with telling you what to do, just be patient. Patience and love and friendship is all that I know I require, don't be afraid of me and definitely don't be afraid to ask me about Eva EVER!  I will always want to speak of her, and yes I will cry and that's ok if I cry it will not break me it will only make me stronger!

I don't speak for everyone that has suffered this kind of loss, and I may sound totally cheesy but love is a good answer and patience is a great asset.  I know I'm learning to have both!

For a moment I held an angel, I miss you Eva!!

As I look back at my posts, I wonder if it wasn't so much of the pregnancy but some kind of premonition that I had, that made me so emotional about Eva.  In the months before her death I felt increasingly anxious and scared, emotional all over again, just like I was when we first got Eva's diagnosis. I always attributed to my pregnancy and how all over the place my emotions were, I can't tell you how many nights I didn't sleep, how I watched her sleep.  How I got on my knees and begged the Lord for things to be different, and at times I would look at Eva and ask her how could I survive her leaving me, EVER.  It seemed that when the house was quiet I could wonder it like some lost spirit, contemplating what the future would hold for us.  It was lonely, these are not things you bring up to your friends or family, after 3 1/2 years, I think people expect that you have moved on from any of that initial pain and that the face you put forward is the one you always have on.  I had social workers, therapist, good friends, but even for me it got tiring saying how much it hurt, and so you just stop saying it.

On June 15, 2012 at about 6 am, one of my greatest fears was realized, like the day of her unplanned arrival into our lives, she departed.

I never imagined (and believe me I had imagined it, I thought I could pre-mourn my daughter's death) that Eva would be gone only a week before our move to Indiana.  I remember that morning and it haunts me, and I have prayed to replace that memory with other memories. NOT MY EVA....NOT NOW....I wanted more time, I wasn't ready, I kept telling her that, I wasn't ready.

The days after I felt like the walking dead, I just couldn't imagine how I would survive the rest of my life with this kind of pain.  I felt desperate to smell her, to touch her.  My Eva.  For almost 4 years we were inseparable, I carried her for almost 10 months and after she was born I was always with her.  I knew Eva, all about Eva.  But the Lord prepares us, I know He does.  Only a few months before, Eva stayed overnight for the first time at Peppi's House (a hospice respite home) while Jose, Vandro and I visited Indiana.  It was so hard to leave her, but they cared and loved on her the whole 4 days.  We used them two more times for a couple of overnight stays, and maybe that prepared me a little.  I had never spent a night away from Eva.  I couldn't trust anyone with Eva for that long nor could I burden someone with the "what if something happened while I was gone".  As we prepared for Eva's memorial service and went through all the awful, real life things, picking clothes, talking with the cemetery, funeral home, picking a casket etc... I was scared to face so many people with this kind of grief, both Jose and I were scared.

Like a magical gift from my Father in Heaven, I got to be with Eva one more time.  It is heart wrenching giving your child to some stranger in a hearse, someone who had never met her in life was taking her from me.  With every fiber of my body I didn't want to hand her over, I wanted to keep her and hold her and make everyone and everything just disappear but I'm grateful for my son and for remembering that I also had an obligation to him and to teach him.  We said goodbye to Eva, Vandro gave her a kiss and we said goodbye.  Jose and I decided not to embalm Eva and there would be no open casket, and so on June 19th, the day before her memorial service, Jose and I went to dress our sweet Eva.  We were scared, not knowing what we would find or if this would further scar us or heal us.  But as I mentioned, like a magical gift from our Father in Heaven, it felt like we were with her again.  She felt just as before, soft and delicate, a sleeping angel.  Of course I cried, but this time with a gratitude I thought I could never feel, I thanked that sweet angel for letting me care for her, for letting me be her mother.  I felt that baby there, we dressed her like we had so many times before.  Eva had moments of "hibernation" where she slept for days, and you could bath her, dress her, brush her hair and she slept through everything.  It was like being with her for one final goodbye.  I know the spirit of the Lord and the spirit of my sweet girl were there, holding me, comforting me and reminding me of our Father in Heaven's promise to eternal families.  It was like He whispered in my ear, remember your covenants. We took that feeling and Jose shared our testimonies of that at her memorial service.  I know that neither of us could have gotten through our talks without that day with her.  We got to share with those that came what we knew about our daughter, about our Father in Heaven's great Plan of Happiness and bout Eva's mission on this earth.  The day of her service it was the most composed I had been and I was comforted by so many that shared that day with us.  It was a beautiful service because of the love that existed there and in the hearts of those that could not be there with us.

True to life, in the days that have followed, the physical pain, is still there, not the same as it was in the days after her death and before that visit in the funeral home.  I know that, that will take time.  However, the knowledge that I will see my perfect daughter again, if I remain faithful to my covenants, comforts me, it has changed me.  We talk of God, we talk of truth, we talk.  But some times and for some of us, it isn't until we are faced with believing, that we listen.  I thought I had listened, I thought I knew about love and about promises but I learned and listened for the first time on June 19, 2012, and I felt the confirmation of the Lord, that He loves me, that He blesses, that He is waiting for us.  I also know that Jesus Christ not only provided away for all of us to come back to our Father but that our Father in Heaven truly wants us to be happy and have joy here on earth.  It does not mean that we will not face trials, but it means that He is here to comfort us through them, WE ARE NOT ALONE!

As I stated, I know that it will take time, and as we start our new life here in Indiana, and I unpack things, Eva's things, the tears come back, my heart aches again, I turn to the Lord to comfort me, to help me be the wife my husband needs and the mother my son and soon to be infant daughter need.  I am grateful for them too.

Eva Isabel Peña, was a missionary, the tiniest missionary.  I believe Eva's objective on this earth was to teach of Christ, she did not have a pulpit nor could she speak with words, however, Eva loudly proclaimed the teachings of Christ: faith, charity and love!

I love you forever, I love you for always and I will see you again Eva!