My Dearest Eva,
Your delivery day, was a Day I Didn't See Coming. I had read about mom's going about their day when their water breaks or they begin active labor, no packed bag, no dog sitters or baby sitters. Husbands being called out of a meeting, work or school. I guess I didn't think that would happen to us, or maybe I was in denial that you would eventually have to leave the safe haven of the womb. That day we were literally had our hands in the masa, in the process of making tamales, your Tia Cata and Tio Gerry were getting your Papa and I ready for a freezer full of Mexican food! We stopped for one of my routine ultrasounds, when you decided to scary everyone and stop moving and lower your heart rate, who would have known that you would do that to us many many times after you were born. No bag, tamales on the stove...I was admitted. Your Tio Gerry called your Papa, who was in class, and said, "Its time buddy". It was so surreal, you were coming, all the anticipation for months, what would you look like? would I get to hold you, alive? how long would you live? would you need surgery? All these questions I never shared with anyone. That day I was scared...scared to let you go. Inside you seemed to be doing well, I somehow knew you were safe, I felt like I could protect you better. But it was time, time for me to let go, for the hand and the will of our Father to be done.
Then you came, surprising us with that loud cry! Laying there all I could do was cry, cry with gratitude, to hear you complete your 1st goal...obtain a body, a living breathing body. Then the worry came...how long, how long would we have you.
That worry never really disappeared, it was a worry I lived with for 3 1/2 years.
Oh, Eva, a year ago this week we had the best vacation and so much to look forward to. Papa made it, he got into medical school, we found out you were going to have a baby sister, we got to see Sister Keller and Margaret (your other moms)...a year ago this week, we were kind of blissful! It had been a long time since we felt this ready for something different, it had been a long time since we all slept through the night with no seizure waking us or frightful dream. We had the best time with David, Cassie and Naomi!
Boy how fast things change, here we are Eva, a year later, we are back at David and Cassie's except they have a new baby now, baby Sydney, and we're staying in the same room, Papa, me, Vandro and except the baby girl that is in that room now is Baby Mia, not you! Papa started his 1st year of medical school but Eva, it was hard, he took a leave of absence, he needed a break, he needed to mourn, we needed to regroup. In some ways we are back at last year and some things look the same, he will start in the fall, his 1st year, we will be a family of four, one boy and one girl, one Mama and one Papa. I won't lie, this has been the worst year, with a couple of magical highlights, Baby Mia being one and this vacation being the other. I miss you so much, I want to be fussing with my 3 kids, I want to hold all three of you, there is a hole, a missing piece in our family, its you.
This morning your Papa is running the 1/2 marathon again, for you Eva. He does it for you. You should see him, he still is so nervous, he still doesn't see his own greatness. I know he misses your cuddles, you were the best, I know, like me, he misses your inspirational looks. I know he misses "counseling" with you about his feelings, his day, his dilemmas. Our home is different since you've been gone, we struggle a little, all of us to see how special we are with out you too! It was easy with you Eva, to feel special...to feel that the Lord had a special plan for us. I know the plan hasn't changed but its been hard with out you.
Next week marks a year of that, Day I Didn't See Coming. We had the best week, we were all ready Eva to move to the next city, next chapter, Together. I got comfortable, I wasn't afraid, anxious, nervous yes, but not afraid. That morning I as supposed to take your Mama Luz to the hair dresser, and then you and I were going to take Mama Luz and Tia Cuca out to lunch! We had it planned a girls day. Friday, June 15, 2013. I didn't see it coming, if I had Eva, I would have cuddled you all night long. I would have taking sooooooooooooo many pictures, I would have made sure that I had your scent on every thing...maybe even bottled it. I would have...I would have...I would have... But I didn't see it coming. You little stinker, I guess you knew me. I would not have let you go, I wasn't ready to let you go. Frankly, I'm not sure I was every going to be.
I lost more than you that day, I lost a little bit of me too, its like my super powers were removed on the morning of June 15, 2013, from your Papa and I. Vandro reminds us here and there that they aren't gone. Baby Mia has been such a blessing Eva. I swear she has your smile and your eyes. I see you in her. Her little toes remind me of you.
I do cry, almost every other day, but I do cry tears of gratitude too Eva. I am so grateful for our 3 1/2 years, when I think back to January 28, 2009, your birth day I was scared, I wished to hold you even for a moment...my moment lasted 1,277.5 days!
I hope the next Day I Don't See Coming is the day that I don't ache as much, to feel complete and to hold all of my children again, for now I will work towards happiness, gratefulness and for my salvation. I will endure to the end. I miss you my sweet girl, I love you so much and don't worry we will all be ok, we'll be ForEva Strong!
Tu Madre que te adora!
