For a moment I held an angel, I miss you Eva!!

As I look back at my posts, I wonder if it wasn't so much of the pregnancy but some kind of premonition that I had, that made me so emotional about Eva.  In the months before her death I felt increasingly anxious and scared, emotional all over again, just like I was when we first got Eva's diagnosis. I always attributed to my pregnancy and how all over the place my emotions were, I can't tell you how many nights I didn't sleep, how I watched her sleep.  How I got on my knees and begged the Lord for things to be different, and at times I would look at Eva and ask her how could I survive her leaving me, EVER.  It seemed that when the house was quiet I could wonder it like some lost spirit, contemplating what the future would hold for us.  It was lonely, these are not things you bring up to your friends or family, after 3 1/2 years, I think people expect that you have moved on from any of that initial pain and that the face you put forward is the one you always have on.  I had social workers, therapist, good friends, but even for me it got tiring saying how much it hurt, and so you just stop saying it.

On June 15, 2012 at about 6 am, one of my greatest fears was realized, like the day of her unplanned arrival into our lives, she departed.

I never imagined (and believe me I had imagined it, I thought I could pre-mourn my daughter's death) that Eva would be gone only a week before our move to Indiana.  I remember that morning and it haunts me, and I have prayed to replace that memory with other memories. NOT MY EVA....NOT NOW....I wanted more time, I wasn't ready, I kept telling her that, I wasn't ready.

The days after I felt like the walking dead, I just couldn't imagine how I would survive the rest of my life with this kind of pain.  I felt desperate to smell her, to touch her.  My Eva.  For almost 4 years we were inseparable, I carried her for almost 10 months and after she was born I was always with her.  I knew Eva, all about Eva.  But the Lord prepares us, I know He does.  Only a few months before, Eva stayed overnight for the first time at Peppi's House (a hospice respite home) while Jose, Vandro and I visited Indiana.  It was so hard to leave her, but they cared and loved on her the whole 4 days.  We used them two more times for a couple of overnight stays, and maybe that prepared me a little.  I had never spent a night away from Eva.  I couldn't trust anyone with Eva for that long nor could I burden someone with the "what if something happened while I was gone".  As we prepared for Eva's memorial service and went through all the awful, real life things, picking clothes, talking with the cemetery, funeral home, picking a casket etc... I was scared to face so many people with this kind of grief, both Jose and I were scared.

Like a magical gift from my Father in Heaven, I got to be with Eva one more time.  It is heart wrenching giving your child to some stranger in a hearse, someone who had never met her in life was taking her from me.  With every fiber of my body I didn't want to hand her over, I wanted to keep her and hold her and make everyone and everything just disappear but I'm grateful for my son and for remembering that I also had an obligation to him and to teach him.  We said goodbye to Eva, Vandro gave her a kiss and we said goodbye.  Jose and I decided not to embalm Eva and there would be no open casket, and so on June 19th, the day before her memorial service, Jose and I went to dress our sweet Eva.  We were scared, not knowing what we would find or if this would further scar us or heal us.  But as I mentioned, like a magical gift from our Father in Heaven, it felt like we were with her again.  She felt just as before, soft and delicate, a sleeping angel.  Of course I cried, but this time with a gratitude I thought I could never feel, I thanked that sweet angel for letting me care for her, for letting me be her mother.  I felt that baby there, we dressed her like we had so many times before.  Eva had moments of "hibernation" where she slept for days, and you could bath her, dress her, brush her hair and she slept through everything.  It was like being with her for one final goodbye.  I know the spirit of the Lord and the spirit of my sweet girl were there, holding me, comforting me and reminding me of our Father in Heaven's promise to eternal families.  It was like He whispered in my ear, remember your covenants. We took that feeling and Jose shared our testimonies of that at her memorial service.  I know that neither of us could have gotten through our talks without that day with her.  We got to share with those that came what we knew about our daughter, about our Father in Heaven's great Plan of Happiness and bout Eva's mission on this earth.  The day of her service it was the most composed I had been and I was comforted by so many that shared that day with us.  It was a beautiful service because of the love that existed there and in the hearts of those that could not be there with us.

True to life, in the days that have followed, the physical pain, is still there, not the same as it was in the days after her death and before that visit in the funeral home.  I know that, that will take time.  However, the knowledge that I will see my perfect daughter again, if I remain faithful to my covenants, comforts me, it has changed me.  We talk of God, we talk of truth, we talk.  But some times and for some of us, it isn't until we are faced with believing, that we listen.  I thought I had listened, I thought I knew about love and about promises but I learned and listened for the first time on June 19, 2012, and I felt the confirmation of the Lord, that He loves me, that He blesses, that He is waiting for us.  I also know that Jesus Christ not only provided away for all of us to come back to our Father but that our Father in Heaven truly wants us to be happy and have joy here on earth.  It does not mean that we will not face trials, but it means that He is here to comfort us through them, WE ARE NOT ALONE!

As I stated, I know that it will take time, and as we start our new life here in Indiana, and I unpack things, Eva's things, the tears come back, my heart aches again, I turn to the Lord to comfort me, to help me be the wife my husband needs and the mother my son and soon to be infant daughter need.  I am grateful for them too.

Eva Isabel Peña, was a missionary, the tiniest missionary.  I believe Eva's objective on this earth was to teach of Christ, she did not have a pulpit nor could she speak with words, however, Eva loudly proclaimed the teachings of Christ: faith, charity and love!

I love you forever, I love you for always and I will see you again Eva!