The Day I Didn't See Coming

My Dearest Eva,

Your delivery day, was a Day I Didn't See Coming.  I had read about mom's going about their day when their water breaks or they begin active labor, no packed bag, no dog sitters or baby sitters.  Husbands being called out of a meeting, work or school. I guess I didn't think that would happen to us, or maybe I was in denial that you would eventually have to leave the safe haven of the womb.  That day we were literally had our hands in the masa, in the process of making tamales, your Tia Cata and Tio Gerry were getting your Papa and I ready for a freezer full of Mexican food!  We stopped for one of my routine ultrasounds, when you decided to scary everyone and stop moving and lower your heart rate, who would have known that you would do that to us many many times after you were born.  No bag, tamales on the stove...I was admitted.  Your Tio Gerry called your Papa, who was in class, and said, "Its time buddy".  It was so surreal, you were coming, all the anticipation for months, what would you look like? would I get to hold you, alive? how long would you live? would you need surgery?  All these questions I never shared with anyone.  That day I was scared...scared to let you go.  Inside you seemed to be doing well, I somehow knew you were safe, I felt like I could protect you better.  But it was time, time for me to let go, for the hand and the will of our Father to be done.
Then you came, surprising us with that loud cry!  Laying there all I could do was cry, cry with gratitude, to hear you complete your 1st goal...obtain a body, a living breathing body.  Then the worry came...how long, how long would we have you.
That worry never really disappeared, it was a worry I lived with for 3 1/2 years.
Oh, Eva, a year ago this week we had the best vacation and so much to look forward to.  Papa made it, he got into medical school, we found out you were going to have a baby sister, we got to see Sister Keller and Margaret (your other moms)...a year ago this week, we were kind of blissful!  It had been a long time since we felt this ready for something different, it had been a long time since we all slept through the night with no seizure waking us or frightful dream.  We had the best time with David, Cassie and Naomi!
Boy how fast things change, here we are Eva, a year later, we are back at David and Cassie's except they have a new baby now, baby Sydney, and we're staying in the same room, Papa, me, Vandro and except the baby girl that is in that room now is Baby Mia, not you!  Papa started his 1st year of medical school but Eva, it was hard, he took a leave of absence, he needed a break, he needed to mourn, we needed to regroup.  In some ways we are back at last year and some things look the same, he will start in the fall, his 1st year, we will be a family of four, one boy and one girl, one Mama and one Papa.   I won't lie, this has been the worst year, with a couple of magical highlights, Baby Mia being one and this vacation being the other.  I miss you so much, I want to be fussing with my 3 kids, I want to hold all three of you, there is a hole, a missing piece in our family, its you.
This morning your Papa is running the 1/2 marathon again, for you Eva.  He does it for you.  You should see him, he still is so nervous, he still doesn't see his own greatness.  I know he misses your cuddles, you were the best, I know, like me, he misses your inspirational looks. I know he misses "counseling" with you about his feelings, his day, his dilemmas.  Our home is different since you've been gone, we struggle a little, all of us to see how special we are with out you too!  It was easy with you Eva, to feel special...to feel that the Lord had a special plan for us.  I know the plan hasn't changed but its been hard with out you.
Next week marks a year of that, Day I Didn't See Coming.  We had the best week, we were all ready Eva to move to the next city, next chapter, Together. I got comfortable, I wasn't afraid, anxious, nervous yes, but not afraid.  That morning I as supposed to take your Mama Luz to the hair dresser, and then you and I were going to take Mama Luz and Tia Cuca out to lunch!  We had it planned a girls day.  Friday, June 15, 2013.  I didn't see it coming, if I had Eva, I would have cuddled you all night long.  I would have taking sooooooooooooo many pictures, I would have made sure that I had your scent on every thing...maybe even bottled it.  I would have...I would have...I would have...  But I didn't see it coming. You little stinker, I guess you knew me.  I would not have let you go, I wasn't ready to let you go.  Frankly, I'm not sure I was every going to be.
I lost more than you that day, I lost a little bit of me too, its like my super powers were removed on the morning of June 15, 2013, from your Papa and I.  Vandro reminds us here and there that they aren't gone.  Baby Mia has been such a blessing Eva.  I swear she has your smile and your eyes.  I see you in her.  Her little toes remind me of you.
I do cry, almost every other day, but I do cry tears of gratitude too Eva.  I am so grateful for our 3 1/2 years, when I think back to January 28, 2009, your birth day I was scared, I wished to hold you even for a moment...my moment lasted 1,277.5 days!
I hope the next Day I Don't See Coming is the day that I don't ache as much, to feel complete and to hold all of my children again, for now I will work towards happiness, gratefulness and for my salvation.    I will endure to the end.  I miss you my sweet girl, I love you so much and don't worry we will all be ok, we'll be ForEva Strong!

Tu Madre que te adora!

Happy Mother's Day!

This Mother's Day I felt different, for more than the obvious reasons, I felt a little more pensive about the Mother's that were not quite mothers, those that have had trouble with fertility, or have had trouble carrying to term.  The Mothers that on Mother's day some times feel forgotten or are reminded of those little ones that never made it into their families.

I came into motherhood, by most standards, late in the game.  I was in my mid 30's about when I became a mother.  Eva changed my life, my mindset and my desires.  I truly believe she led the way for her siblings to come into our family, for me to love them in the manner in which I do.  However, I do also feel that I got to mother long before these children of mine came along.

I was an aunt for 24 years before I was ever a mother, my nephews and nieces were a preclude to the love I feel for my own children.  I have seen my nephews and nieces in there successes and unfortunately in their failures.  I have rejoiced with them and cried for them.  Some of these feelings surprised and scared me, I thought, "if I feel this way, how do their mother's feel!"

Motherhood is love, its sacrifice, I believe young teachers even feel these things before they have children of their own.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve in this calling of Mother.  I never knew if I would get to be a mother, frankly I never really planned on it, but it came at the perfect time for me.  I would do anything for my children, but I do take my job seriously enough not to endanger their growth by playing a blind eye either.  Saying this is a tough job, is an understatement!

Our newest member of the family hit a milestone again, Baby Mia is 6 months old!  Time certainly is not kind and it waits for no one!  It seems like just yesterday we found out we were pregnant and here Baby Mia is 6 months away from being 1year old!!!!

Enjoy these little pictures of her last 6 months!!

Triggers

Its funny how a smell, a picture, a comment can be a strong trigger for an emotion or a memory.  Some times its good to have those triggers, I love Norteño music, it takes me back to the memories (good ones) of my childhood, of our family parties, of my father's love of his native land, of my mother and sister's cooking.

My parents often watched Spanish language movies, Pedro Infante, Vicente Fernandez, La India Maria...whenever I see one playing on Spanish TV on a Saturday night it takes me back.

The smell of the ocean reminds me of my summers in Southern California as a child with my big sister and her husband.

As we experience life and it's trials, there are triggers that will no doubt exist to bring us back to these moments.  The moments that filled us with pain and darkness.  Oh how those triggers set me back...

I guess I'll have to keep working on the good, the happy memories and triggers.

Lyrics to Eva's Lullaby
by Jose M Pena (Papa)
written Dec 2008

Eva, my angel, oh dear sweet kind child
Hear me, my dear child, I want you to smile.

Little one, precious one
This song's for you
Eva my angel,
please know I love you.

One day, long ago,
your mom and I met.
We loved each other
and so we were wed.

Little one, precious one,
we prayed for you,
Eva our angel,
now know we love you.

Time has now shown us
that life can be sweet.
Even when we face
some days tough to beat.

Little one, precious one,
you make us smile
thank you our angel
we know life's worthwhile.

Little one, precious one
This song's for you
Eva my angel,
please know I love you.

Its a start...

I feel like I'm always starting new, this last 10 months and well 4 1/2 years have been a blur, like a movie. We've had to do so much adjusting along the way.  Things weren't exactly what we had planned for before we got married.
Anyway, I have expectations of myself and of how I want to do things, when I need to get things done etc.. but I keep coming back to starting over.  Not getting it quite right and starting over.  So hopefully I will start over and blog more frequently, like I've always intended to!  I'll take more pictures, like I've intended to, I'll enjoy the little things and the big things...like I've always intended to do!
For now, for tonight, I am feeling particularly blessed to have my husband, my children and this forever family! And in particular to say it, blog it, announce it!

I also made these little collages for Jose, just because (but he doesn't know about them).  Tonight was Vandro's last day of his (1st) soccer team practice.  But also the 1st of a new life for us, preschool, teams, friend's birthday parties etc.. We never had this kind of normal before, we really didn't have friends with kids nor did we really live near family.  I can count on 2 fingers the number of birthday parties we've either been invited to or attended.  We hardly ever went to things as a whole family, mama, papa both kids etc.. This all made me think of Jose and this road we're on, how much he has sacrificed marrying young, how effortless he makes it all look!  I mean a father of 3 at 28!

So I made these little collages of him with each of our children, how nice it was to go back to each of those dates of the pictures. Especially going back to Utah for me. It really has been US...Jose the kids and I.  We've never really lived near family.  We've really had to maneuver this thing on our own!

Don't get me wrong we have great family that prays for us, give us awesome and thoughtful gifts, love and spoil our children...but the day to day has been Jose and I.  Our friends have been busy with their lives and we've been fortune to find new friends that we can share an occasional meal with, but when I look around, I am so proud of us.  Its easy to forget how far we've come in our 5 years married.  Monetarily we may not have much to show but I think we're doing pretty good as far as working towards the eternal!

Jose has never been selfish in that fact, he was 23 when we married, he's worked his tail off to get where he is in his education and career training, in his role as a father and husband.  He doesn't know this and very rarely if at all, reads my blog, but Jose is amazing, he inspires me.  He inspires me to never let go of my aspirations not matter how difficult they may seem.  On my down days, he treats me like I'm the most successful woman on the planet and well I'm not a size 6 anymore but he looks at me as if I was a supermodel (he does need yearly eye exams though!)

We are at the beginning of this journey still and we've been through so much! More than some couples have been through in a lifetime of marriage, I think.  I look at him and I am so proud to be his wife, the mother of his children, his eternal companion!

 Eva made us parents and grown ups, she made us Superstars!

Vandro gave us a dose of parental reality! (The good The bad, The joy and The worry)

Baby Mia, she has brought joy into our lives when we needed happy the most!  Vandro, Jose and I needed this baby...she's all of our baby!

We miss Eva every single day, all of us miss her!  Vandro sometimes asks when can we go get her.  He gets excited to think that when Jesus comes so will Eva!

We are maneuvering through this new chapter in our lives again feeling like we're going through 1st all over again.  Hmm...what will my posts look like in 10 years?!  Well I'll just have to keep writing and see!

Oh Goodness how did we get here!!

So I guess I didn't get the greatest start to the New Year!  Its April 10th and I have a lot of updating to do!  This is either going to be the longest post ever or I might just miss some stuff and have to come back to it later....or both!

Well I blinked and I have a soon-to-be crawling (it seems) infant and a soccer playing toddler!  Its been so surreal how fast the kids grow, I try and stop to remember Camila as a newborn and forget about Vandro, I can barely remember when he didn't talk!

As we approach that big day, June 15th, I feel some regression happening.  A little of the nightmares appearing again, fear creeping back in when my children sleep, fear of losing one of them.  How could I survive something like that...and then I remember...you just do, I just did and try to do it everyday.

January, February and the beginning of March kept me pretty busy and distracted, I wrote, specifically to my family and friends in private emails about The Everything Sale, the big multi-state yard sale that was to benefit friends of ours. I had volunteered to host a sale here in Indianapolis one very late night, with my insomnia at full force and the deep need to do something for our friends!  I volunteered!

I can not begin to share the miracles and special moments that were experienced during the preparing for and during the Sale.  Christmas and especially January were very difficult for me, they say the 6 month mark is the most difficult because it feels like you take 10 steps backwards, well THEY ain't lying.  I was honestly scared because I had committed to hosting this sale and I was too much in despair.  Let me testify to you that the Lord is extremely mindful and sometimes I think that when we are at our most broken and humble we can hear him better. He wants to help, He is available to be by your side to comfort you and He did for me!
The Farar Family are such a wonderful example of light in a world with so many dark spots.  Damond and Adriana are examples of love, friendship, fellowship and discipleship!  For my family, Adriana was one of the people that made us feel immediately at home here in Indianapolis, even before we ever met. Damond a medical student and working with a physician that we met through the BYU connection, reached out to my husband when he got accepted into IUSM, and well if you know me, I saw that he was married and went to research his wife!  I contacted her and true to Adriana's nature she offered any and all assistance with our finding a home in Indy.  Because of the Farar's we found not only a home but a community, of student families, of church members and a feeling of home.  Damond kind of took Jose under his wing and gave him all his 1st year books and flash cards to help us save on buying books, he always had some great counsel for this 1st year, 1st semester hurdles.  I know many around us have no idea what its like coming back to life after such a tragic loss but the Farar's were always sensitive and compassionate.  I know that I would not have known had it not been for experiencing it.

These pictures don't even show how crazy full my house was of generous donations from all over Indiana!  I got to see the best in people, I got to see how one life can effect so many!  Damond's life did and will forever touch many lives, the sale day was also full of stories and miracles!

We had a little of everything and a lot of love!  The EveryThing Sale for me and I believe for the Farar's Indianapolis ward family as well, was a day of some closure, comfort and friendship!  There were so many times in the day that I had to just go in our car and cry!  Cry from the feelings of gratitude of the love that was out pouring that day.  That day I felt like the world was right!  That my daughter wasn't buried in AZ, that my heart wasn't as broken as it was.  

The end of the day was like what a missionary has described at the end of his mission and that name tag is removed.  The mantle of missionary gone, you feel different, normal, regular.  During the sale I truly felt angels surround me and my family. I felt like I had the energy and motivation that hadn't existed for a very long time.  That night, we got home and I literally couldn't keep my eyes open, the weeks and months of working late at night and running around town just caught up with me, with all of us!  It was a special, special day!  

March was extra special in that we got to go to Arizona and for my family to finally meet our baby Camila (Baby Mia)!  Vandro was having some serious cabin fever that he just wanted to be outside everyday, all day!  The weather was perfect!  If we could live in Arizona for just the months of March and October that would be perfect...LOL!

We also got to see our friends the Farar's!  We had a fabulous day at my favorite place, Peter Piper Pizza in Tucson!  We stated a few hours at PPP and then we went to my cousins house and all the boys played on the trampoline, a little baseball and then pulled out the hose and put out a water slide on the grass in my cousins backyard! 

The end of March brought Easter...

Easter weekend was fun, we had an Easter egg hunt with friends Saturday morning and then had fun the rest of the day at the Indiana Historical Society for Circus Day, and spent some time on the canal in downtown Indianapolis.

April brought General Conference...our favorite time in April and October!  We shared our Conference tradition with friends, hoagies!  Of course I didn't take pictures!  We love our Saturday Conference hoagies, it began on the first Conference we celebrated together as a married couple in SLC. We decided to bring our lunch since it was a Sunday when we went up to Conference center, we sat on the grassy area in Temple Square.  Since then we have hoagie sandwiches every Conference for lunch!

All of these days of fun come with bittersweet feelings for me, Jose and I have made a true effort to make memories with the kids and particularly to enjoy the things around us. Doing things outside was a challenge for my little Eva. The change in weather was not easy for her, she couldn't just wear a jacket or take one off if it got too hot. She was affected by too large of a crowd or noise, the hardest part was that it wasn't all the time but when it was it was a rough few days to couple of weeks for her with the seizures.  It was hard for others to understand that, I am so mindful of everything and everywhere we go, thinking "would Eva be ok here" or "this would have been ok for Eva".  As we come up to Eva's 10 months and as we get closer to that June day...emotions are once again very high.  There are moments I just miss her so bad it hurts, but Vandro and Mila bring me great comfort!  As does my wonderful husband!  He and I will Forever be the parents to these children, he is my best friend, my eternal companion...the only one that shares these loves and losses with me!

I love my family, I love the Savior and because of His Atoning sacrifice I can see my Eva again someday, I can be with my children, my husband, my family Forever! 

1st Birthday in Heaven!!

For many there are certain dates in your life you can't ever forget, events, moments etc... I count myself in those many.  The most recent important dates are the birth dates for my children and even as young as we are to have experienced this, a death date.  Well this post will be mostly about the former!

Four years ago today January 28, 2009, was one of the most defining dates for me, it changed me as a person, as a woman and it made me a mother!  Can you believe one little date can exact such profound things?  Me either!  Along with that date came a beautiful and yes perfect little girl, she had a broken body, yet still so perfect.

Eva Isabel Pena, came unexpectedly but right on queue!  We needed her to come because my brother and sister were in town and could only stay for about a week, it felt like such a short window for Eva to make an appearance and like the most perfectly obedient daughter, she did, I prayed for her to come on the January 28th, so her aunt and uncle could be there and so my doctor could deliver her. I remember holding my breath to hear a cry, our perinatologist was very clear that Eva would most like be stillborn or only live a few minutes or hours.  She cried, the loudest...strongest cry!  I had a c-section, so Jose brought her over close to my face so I could kiss her and she started to suck on my nose.  If you had been there for all of the doctor visits, for all the depressing appointments where I was told everything I wouldn't have with my daughter or everything she wouldn't do, you would understand how amazing this was, her sucking on my nose.  How instinctual, how amazing as God's tiniest of creations, to know this is how I eat!
This moments with her in the operating room where priceless, I didn't get to see her again until they finished sewing me up and before I went to my room they took me to the NICU where she was.  It was hard to say goodbye, to not be able to hold her immediately.  But all that was good, our birth plan was that if she was dead or not doing well (we had a DNR) we would get all the rest of the time with her in the operating room, so her going to the NICU and me to my room was a good sign that she was doing well.  Because of drugs that day after her actual birth gets blurry. I know that my brother and sister stayed with us till late and like the little worker bees they are went back to my house and finished making tamales (we were in the process of making them, when I had to go to the hospital), they welcomed my in-laws, who drove right away to Utah from Arizona upon hearing that Eva would be coming, and they finished those tamales at 4 in the morning!!

Well I said that this post was going to be mostly, but not all about her birth day and that's only because recalling her birth and the wonderful feelings inevitably makes me recall her death date. 

I only knew Eva for 4 years (counting my pregnancy), but my heart aches for her as if I knew her my lifetime.  I have had days where I don't know if I could do this anymore, hurt this much.  Like I just want to lay in bed and sleep and pray to dream her, just so I could be near her one more time.  

But I will share with you my other blessings, my other two children, they keep me in the present and all though this pain is something I must go through, Vandro and Camila provide me joy in the present.  Even when Vandro is being a 2 year old and completely unreasonable and well Mila can't do anything annoying (yet), I am grateful for to be a mother.  

I think of my mother and all the other mothers that are too familiar with this pain of loss, be it from a miscarriage, still birth, infant or other loss or from the pain of dealing with the loss of a dream for your children.  

I often say to people I mourned twice for my daughter, the day of our diagnosis and the day of her death.  Eva was our 1st baby, normally you announce to the world you are pregnant, you dream and wonder what they will look like, what it will be like to be called mama or papa.  You anxiously wait to find out if it is a boy or a girl, you buy cute outfits and imagine so many things for their future.  On the day we received our news about Eva's condition, time stopped for me.  I had to process this news that this little life inside of me, that I felt kick and move, was not going to live (or that's what they made clear more than anything).  Everything we had dreamed for our 1st born was gone with one word, Holoprosencephaly.  To be quite honest, I don't know that I really stopped grieving my daughter's condition.  I feel just awful saying it but its true, you are strong, you do all you need to do for them, the love drives the energy, I know it does. But in my quietest times, in the still of the night, I would cry, my heart would ache to hear, "mama, or I love you".  I had to look deep into Eva's eyes to know that she was listening, that she knew I knew she loved me. 

Last night as I searched for answers from the Lord, I went to our church's website, lds.org and I typed in grief.  Now I had done this a few nights ago and came to a talk called "Sunday will come" and although I didn't read the talk at that moment, the title in itself was an answer to a question.  Well last night as I searched again, I saw a talk called, "Refining Fire of Grief"...maybe this is a bit narcissistic but I felt like wow the Lord made the Ensign (church magazine) for me!  I want to share this talk with you, especially those that are suffering with grief and loss.  The Lord knows of you and he is well aware of all your needs, even if we chose to deny we have them.  He is waiting for us to open the door and let him in.  We have a picture of Christ in our bedroom with a saying next to it, it reads, "My way may not be easy but its worth it"

"The Refining Fire of Grief", by Ashley Isaacson Woolley

Brothers and sisters, let me tell you that I know this is true!  His way is not easy, I know that the sacrifices the Lord asks us to make are minuscule to the blessings he's waiting to impart!  I hope this message brings you comfort as it did me!

And today, please help me in remembering my Eva and her almost 4 years on this earth. Help me in remembering her bravery, her spirit and especially her smile and the sparkle in her eyes!  Happy Birthday my Sweet angel baby, mama misses you and you are and will be forever in my heart and someday we will all be reunited!!  Till then run and dance and sing on this 1st Birthday in heaven!