Last night I met with the representative of Angel Watch, the program that was recommended to Jose and I by the hospital. They are set up to help families that are dealing with diagnosis like ours in the prenatal stage. This meeting was supposed to last only an hour and went on for about 3 and no it was not just me talking. Although I was doing the majority of it but only answering the questions...LOL! We talked mostly about how Jose and I and how we are dealing with Eva's diagnosis. I was prepared for all business when she came, I guess I thought I would meet with someone that was going to help me plan for everything that would be happening to us upon Eva's birth but what I got was someone that could help us understand what we were feeling, first. What we might be feeling and reacting to but not acknowledging. We spent most of the time talking about where we came from (Jose and I), our relationship, dating, marriage, our families, how many in our family, our individual relationships, and our past experiences. I guess she (the Angel Watch lady) was really trying to get to know who we were and in what way we would need help. She gave us some tools to help us deal with our situation, suggestions, on how to talk, what to talk about, what our expectations are of this baby, baby Eva. She asked something really poignant, to each of us, she asked what our hopes were for Eva and what are fears were for her. She gave me information on how we could create memories with Eva, even though she wasn’t born yet. She left us with some homework and we said we would meet again to go over more logistical stuff in regards to the birth etc..
I think for Jose and I it is easy to sort of put aside what we are going through at times so that we could “be normal”. But its all still there, no nursery, no stroller, no planning her outfits. Sometimes the house feels baby-less. I have some of the things my sister and mom gave me in the spare room, the little bears and blankets, too. But its in another room and the door is mostly closed. The whole thing with our situation is that we don't know what is really going to happen. We just know she is not "whole" and because of that there will be problems, and the greatest possibility of a very short life, again, what kind, we don't know, exactly. I know what Jose and I need to do is deal with the situation as it is, that is where we struggle, its hard to talk about out loud sometimes. Feelings, they are hard to just blurt out..."I'm having a lousy day today because I want to be so happy that I am having a baby but I can't!!!" Days go by and it passes and Eva kicks me into shape, reminding me to focus on her. She is Diaz-Alvarez! She is a woman in charge!
I realized that the days after my appointments are the most difficult because those are the days that everything is so real. Those are the days that I am reminded that this is not a “normal” pregnancy. That the diagnosis is real, that Eva is really sick. This is where “the funk” comes in, where I want to turn around and blame myself, where I keep thinking of what I could have done or what I did to bring this on. I have to admit, for me being a talker, it is difficult for me to talk, and especially about the negative feelings I might be having. The blog helps. It is easier to write these things than it is to admit them out loud. I am not a poet nor do I posses musical talent or paint or dance (not well, anyway) but I guess I can write about what we/I am going through. Nonetheless people, I want to say I am not superwoman and I am not made of steel. I know I can break from this, I guess I am just needing everyone, including myself to handle us with care. I think we need love, kindness, thoughtfulness, attention, everything you all have been helping us with. We love you our family and friends. Those of you not afraid of us, not afraid of hard things and hard situations. Thank you! You all are our Angels too!
2 comments:
Gaby! I've been praying for you. I can quite understand all your feelings but I imagine this situation to be very difficult. I just wish I had the power in my hands to get you through this. I think you are wonderful. I really want to help you out in anything you might need. Please call me no matter what time of day it is. I want to be there for you. Remember, I see you as another older sister. You and Jose are also angels. This little girl picked you to be her parents. You two are just phenomenal. I love you guys.
The one certainty in life is that we will all be called upon to carry loads. They vary in weight, timing and duration; but they will come. This “opposition in all things” is foreordained by the Creator. There is in these things a divine purpose. “In process of time” the patina of pride is burnished off. Hearts that were so set on the things of the world, if sufficiently meek, will either go through “a mighty change” or be broken, so “a new heart” can be given [see D&C 121:35; Alma 5:14; Ezekiel 18:31; 36:26]. The righteous and covenant-keeping individuals who endure it well will inherit “all that my Father hath” (D&C 84:38).
The author James Michener wrote of this principle. “A ship,” he said, “like a human being, moves best when it is slightly athwart the wind, when it has to keep its sails tight and attend its course. Ships, like men, do poorly when the wind is directly behind, pushing them sloppily on their way so that no care is required in steering or in the management of sails; the wind seems favorable, for it blows in the direction one is heading, but actually it is destructive because it induces a relaxation in tension and skill. What is needed is wind slightly opposed to the ship, for then tension can be maintained, and juices can flow and ideas can germinate, for ships, like men, respond to challenge.” [Michener, Chesapeake, p. 445.]
We cannot really expect to glide through life, in air-conditioned comfort, while petitioning with little understanding: “Lord, give me experience but not grief, a deeper appreciation of happiness but not deeper sorrow, joy in comfort but not in pain, more capacity to overcome but not more opposition; and please do not let me ever feel doubt or confusion while on thine errand. Then let me come quickly and dwell with thee and fully share thy joy.” Still, we, too, may pray that “if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done.” [Luke 22:42]
In all this, we are never left alone. Jesus, who bore the greatest and heaviest burdens, knows how to help His followers absorb afflictions in a unique way. Alma records: “And the Lord provided for them that they should hunger not, neither should they thirst; yea, and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ. Now this was according to the prayer of Alma; and this because he prayed in faith.” (Alma 31:38.)
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