Its a start...

I feel like I'm always starting new, this last 10 months and well 4 1/2 years have been a blur, like a movie. We've had to do so much adjusting along the way.  Things weren't exactly what we had planned for before we got married.
Anyway, I have expectations of myself and of how I want to do things, when I need to get things done etc.. but I keep coming back to starting over.  Not getting it quite right and starting over.  So hopefully I will start over and blog more frequently, like I've always intended to!  I'll take more pictures, like I've intended to, I'll enjoy the little things and the big things...like I've always intended to do!
For now, for tonight, I am feeling particularly blessed to have my husband, my children and this forever family! And in particular to say it, blog it, announce it!

I also made these little collages for Jose, just because (but he doesn't know about them).  Tonight was Vandro's last day of his (1st) soccer team practice.  But also the 1st of a new life for us, preschool, teams, friend's birthday parties etc.. We never had this kind of normal before, we really didn't have friends with kids nor did we really live near family.  I can count on 2 fingers the number of birthday parties we've either been invited to or attended.  We hardly ever went to things as a whole family, mama, papa both kids etc.. This all made me think of Jose and this road we're on, how much he has sacrificed marrying young, how effortless he makes it all look!  I mean a father of 3 at 28!

So I made these little collages of him with each of our children, how nice it was to go back to each of those dates of the pictures. Especially going back to Utah for me. It really has been US...Jose the kids and I.  We've never really lived near family.  We've really had to maneuver this thing on our own!

Don't get me wrong we have great family that prays for us, give us awesome and thoughtful gifts, love and spoil our children...but the day to day has been Jose and I.  Our friends have been busy with their lives and we've been fortune to find new friends that we can share an occasional meal with, but when I look around, I am so proud of us.  Its easy to forget how far we've come in our 5 years married.  Monetarily we may not have much to show but I think we're doing pretty good as far as working towards the eternal!

Jose has never been selfish in that fact, he was 23 when we married, he's worked his tail off to get where he is in his education and career training, in his role as a father and husband.  He doesn't know this and very rarely if at all, reads my blog, but Jose is amazing, he inspires me.  He inspires me to never let go of my aspirations not matter how difficult they may seem.  On my down days, he treats me like I'm the most successful woman on the planet and well I'm not a size 6 anymore but he looks at me as if I was a supermodel (he does need yearly eye exams though!)

We are at the beginning of this journey still and we've been through so much! More than some couples have been through in a lifetime of marriage, I think.  I look at him and I am so proud to be his wife, the mother of his children, his eternal companion!

 Eva made us parents and grown ups, she made us Superstars!

Vandro gave us a dose of parental reality! (The good The bad, The joy and The worry)

Baby Mia, she has brought joy into our lives when we needed happy the most!  Vandro, Jose and I needed this baby...she's all of our baby!

We miss Eva every single day, all of us miss her!  Vandro sometimes asks when can we go get her.  He gets excited to think that when Jesus comes so will Eva!

We are maneuvering through this new chapter in our lives again feeling like we're going through 1st all over again.  Hmm...what will my posts look like in 10 years?!  Well I'll just have to keep writing and see!

Oh Goodness how did we get here!!

So I guess I didn't get the greatest start to the New Year!  Its April 10th and I have a lot of updating to do!  This is either going to be the longest post ever or I might just miss some stuff and have to come back to it later....or both!

Well I blinked and I have a soon-to-be crawling (it seems) infant and a soccer playing toddler!  Its been so surreal how fast the kids grow, I try and stop to remember Camila as a newborn and forget about Vandro, I can barely remember when he didn't talk!

As we approach that big day, June 15th, I feel some regression happening.  A little of the nightmares appearing again, fear creeping back in when my children sleep, fear of losing one of them.  How could I survive something like that...and then I remember...you just do, I just did and try to do it everyday.

January, February and the beginning of March kept me pretty busy and distracted, I wrote, specifically to my family and friends in private emails about The Everything Sale, the big multi-state yard sale that was to benefit friends of ours. I had volunteered to host a sale here in Indianapolis one very late night, with my insomnia at full force and the deep need to do something for our friends!  I volunteered!

I can not begin to share the miracles and special moments that were experienced during the preparing for and during the Sale.  Christmas and especially January were very difficult for me, they say the 6 month mark is the most difficult because it feels like you take 10 steps backwards, well THEY ain't lying.  I was honestly scared because I had committed to hosting this sale and I was too much in despair.  Let me testify to you that the Lord is extremely mindful and sometimes I think that when we are at our most broken and humble we can hear him better. He wants to help, He is available to be by your side to comfort you and He did for me!
The Farar Family are such a wonderful example of light in a world with so many dark spots.  Damond and Adriana are examples of love, friendship, fellowship and discipleship!  For my family, Adriana was one of the people that made us feel immediately at home here in Indianapolis, even before we ever met. Damond a medical student and working with a physician that we met through the BYU connection, reached out to my husband when he got accepted into IUSM, and well if you know me, I saw that he was married and went to research his wife!  I contacted her and true to Adriana's nature she offered any and all assistance with our finding a home in Indy.  Because of the Farar's we found not only a home but a community, of student families, of church members and a feeling of home.  Damond kind of took Jose under his wing and gave him all his 1st year books and flash cards to help us save on buying books, he always had some great counsel for this 1st year, 1st semester hurdles.  I know many around us have no idea what its like coming back to life after such a tragic loss but the Farar's were always sensitive and compassionate.  I know that I would not have known had it not been for experiencing it.

These pictures don't even show how crazy full my house was of generous donations from all over Indiana!  I got to see the best in people, I got to see how one life can effect so many!  Damond's life did and will forever touch many lives, the sale day was also full of stories and miracles!

We had a little of everything and a lot of love!  The EveryThing Sale for me and I believe for the Farar's Indianapolis ward family as well, was a day of some closure, comfort and friendship!  There were so many times in the day that I had to just go in our car and cry!  Cry from the feelings of gratitude of the love that was out pouring that day.  That day I felt like the world was right!  That my daughter wasn't buried in AZ, that my heart wasn't as broken as it was.  

The end of the day was like what a missionary has described at the end of his mission and that name tag is removed.  The mantle of missionary gone, you feel different, normal, regular.  During the sale I truly felt angels surround me and my family. I felt like I had the energy and motivation that hadn't existed for a very long time.  That night, we got home and I literally couldn't keep my eyes open, the weeks and months of working late at night and running around town just caught up with me, with all of us!  It was a special, special day!  

March was extra special in that we got to go to Arizona and for my family to finally meet our baby Camila (Baby Mia)!  Vandro was having some serious cabin fever that he just wanted to be outside everyday, all day!  The weather was perfect!  If we could live in Arizona for just the months of March and October that would be perfect...LOL!

We also got to see our friends the Farar's!  We had a fabulous day at my favorite place, Peter Piper Pizza in Tucson!  We stated a few hours at PPP and then we went to my cousins house and all the boys played on the trampoline, a little baseball and then pulled out the hose and put out a water slide on the grass in my cousins backyard! 

The end of March brought Easter...

Easter weekend was fun, we had an Easter egg hunt with friends Saturday morning and then had fun the rest of the day at the Indiana Historical Society for Circus Day, and spent some time on the canal in downtown Indianapolis.

April brought General Conference...our favorite time in April and October!  We shared our Conference tradition with friends, hoagies!  Of course I didn't take pictures!  We love our Saturday Conference hoagies, it began on the first Conference we celebrated together as a married couple in SLC. We decided to bring our lunch since it was a Sunday when we went up to Conference center, we sat on the grassy area in Temple Square.  Since then we have hoagie sandwiches every Conference for lunch!

All of these days of fun come with bittersweet feelings for me, Jose and I have made a true effort to make memories with the kids and particularly to enjoy the things around us. Doing things outside was a challenge for my little Eva. The change in weather was not easy for her, she couldn't just wear a jacket or take one off if it got too hot. She was affected by too large of a crowd or noise, the hardest part was that it wasn't all the time but when it was it was a rough few days to couple of weeks for her with the seizures.  It was hard for others to understand that, I am so mindful of everything and everywhere we go, thinking "would Eva be ok here" or "this would have been ok for Eva".  As we come up to Eva's 10 months and as we get closer to that June day...emotions are once again very high.  There are moments I just miss her so bad it hurts, but Vandro and Mila bring me great comfort!  As does my wonderful husband!  He and I will Forever be the parents to these children, he is my best friend, my eternal companion...the only one that shares these loves and losses with me!

I love my family, I love the Savior and because of His Atoning sacrifice I can see my Eva again someday, I can be with my children, my husband, my family Forever!