Four years ago today January 28, 2009, was one of the most defining dates for me, it changed me as a person, as a woman and it made me a mother! Can you believe one little date can exact such profound things? Me either! Along with that date came a beautiful and yes perfect little girl, she had a broken body, yet still so perfect.
Eva Isabel Pena, came unexpectedly but right on queue! We needed her to come because my brother and sister were in town and could only stay for about a week, it felt like such a short window for Eva to make an appearance and like the most perfectly obedient daughter, she did, I prayed for her to come on the January 28th, so her aunt and uncle could be there and so my doctor could deliver her. I remember holding my breath to hear a cry, our perinatologist was very clear that Eva would most like be stillborn or only live a few minutes or hours. She cried, the loudest...strongest cry! I had a c-section, so Jose brought her over close to my face so I could kiss her and she started to suck on my nose. If you had been there for all of the doctor visits, for all the depressing appointments where I was told everything I wouldn't have with my daughter or everything she wouldn't do, you would understand how amazing this was, her sucking on my nose. How instinctual, how amazing as God's tiniest of creations, to know this is how I eat!
This moments with her in the operating room where priceless, I didn't get to see her again until they finished sewing me up and before I went to my room they took me to the NICU where she was. It was hard to say goodbye, to not be able to hold her immediately. But all that was good, our birth plan was that if she was dead or not doing well (we had a DNR) we would get all the rest of the time with her in the operating room, so her going to the NICU and me to my room was a good sign that she was doing well. Because of drugs that day after her actual birth gets blurry. I know that my brother and sister stayed with us till late and like the little worker bees they are went back to my house and finished making tamales (we were in the process of making them, when I had to go to the hospital), they welcomed my in-laws, who drove right away to Utah from Arizona upon hearing that Eva would be coming, and they finished those tamales at 4 in the morning!!
This moments with her in the operating room where priceless, I didn't get to see her again until they finished sewing me up and before I went to my room they took me to the NICU where she was. It was hard to say goodbye, to not be able to hold her immediately. But all that was good, our birth plan was that if she was dead or not doing well (we had a DNR) we would get all the rest of the time with her in the operating room, so her going to the NICU and me to my room was a good sign that she was doing well. Because of drugs that day after her actual birth gets blurry. I know that my brother and sister stayed with us till late and like the little worker bees they are went back to my house and finished making tamales (we were in the process of making them, when I had to go to the hospital), they welcomed my in-laws, who drove right away to Utah from Arizona upon hearing that Eva would be coming, and they finished those tamales at 4 in the morning!!
Well I said that this post was going to be mostly, but not all about her birth day and that's only because recalling her birth and the wonderful feelings inevitably makes me recall her death date.
I only knew Eva for 4 years (counting my pregnancy), but my heart aches for her as if I knew her my lifetime. I have had days where I don't know if I could do this anymore, hurt this much. Like I just want to lay in bed and sleep and pray to dream her, just so I could be near her one more time.
But I will share with you my other blessings, my other two children, they keep me in the present and all though this pain is something I must go through, Vandro and Camila provide me joy in the present. Even when Vandro is being a 2 year old and completely unreasonable and well Mila can't do anything annoying (yet), I am grateful for to be a mother.
I think of my mother and all the other mothers that are too familiar with this pain of loss, be it from a miscarriage, still birth, infant or other loss or from the pain of dealing with the loss of a dream for your children.
I often say to people I mourned twice for my daughter, the day of our diagnosis and the day of her death. Eva was our 1st baby, normally you announce to the world you are pregnant, you dream and wonder what they will look like, what it will be like to be called mama or papa. You anxiously wait to find out if it is a boy or a girl, you buy cute outfits and imagine so many things for their future. On the day we received our news about Eva's condition, time stopped for me. I had to process this news that this little life inside of me, that I felt kick and move, was not going to live (or that's what they made clear more than anything). Everything we had dreamed for our 1st born was gone with one word, Holoprosencephaly. To be quite honest, I don't know that I really stopped grieving my daughter's condition. I feel just awful saying it but its true, you are strong, you do all you need to do for them, the love drives the energy, I know it does. But in my quietest times, in the still of the night, I would cry, my heart would ache to hear, "mama, or I love you". I had to look deep into Eva's eyes to know that she was listening, that she knew I knew she loved me.
Last night as I searched for answers from the Lord, I went to our church's website, lds.org and I typed in grief. Now I had done this a few nights ago and came to a talk called "Sunday will come" and although I didn't read the talk at that moment, the title in itself was an answer to a question. Well last night as I searched again, I saw a talk called, "Refining Fire of Grief"...maybe this is a bit narcissistic but I felt like wow the Lord made the Ensign (church magazine) for me! I want to share this talk with you, especially those that are suffering with grief and loss. The Lord knows of you and he is well aware of all your needs, even if we chose to deny we have them. He is waiting for us to open the door and let him in. We have a picture of Christ in our bedroom with a saying next to it, it reads, "My way may not be easy but its worth it"
"The Refining Fire of Grief", by Ashley Isaacson Woolley
"The Refining Fire of Grief", by Ashley Isaacson Woolley
Brothers and sisters, let me tell you that I know this is true! His way is not easy, I know that the sacrifices the Lord asks us to make are minuscule to the blessings he's waiting to impart! I hope this message brings you comfort as it did me!
And today, please help me in remembering my Eva and her almost 4 years on this earth. Help me in remembering her bravery, her spirit and especially her smile and the sparkle in her eyes! Happy Birthday my Sweet angel baby, mama misses you and you are and will be forever in my heart and someday we will all be reunited!! Till then run and dance and sing on this 1st Birthday in heaven!
