I never was a fan of change, I thought I was in my youth, always wanting something different than I had, thinking that, "only if I had..." or "only if I was..." would make a difference. I've learned with time that there are no"if only I had" or "if only I was"...there is, however, "I have" and "I am". Knowing and understand who I am and what I have has helped me through some of the most difficult times of change in my life.
10 days ago marked Eva being gone 3 months, this weekend I turned 35 weeks pregnant and 5 weeks closer to bringing a new baby home. With Jose starting Medical School almost 6 weeks ago this adds another dimension of change. The schedule change! All of us are a little lost right now and trying quickly to adjust because the other thing that is constant is that time will move forward, with or with out you!
Their is good change and their is bad or hard to adjust to change. I think losing Eva is a little of all three...good that she is taken care of now, getting better care than I could ever give her, she is perfect, she is in celestial glory! Bad because I miss her, I want to wake up to her every day and it hurts that I can't, I want to feel her close to me like before...its bad because of how selfish I am to want her with me. Hard to adjust, well, I was Eva and Eva was me...I am now different, I'm adjusting to the mother and wife the rest of my family needs me to be. I'm adjusting to learning to "live" without Eva. I'm adjusting to how others see our family without Eva, without that little red wheelchair at our side. This journey of change is long and unpredictable...two things I hate the most...but its my lesson to learn.
The same is applied to the other two changes in our lives, Jose starting medical school and Ms Baby Mila coming into our home in about 5 weeks. Its good, bad and hard to adjust to change. The obvious good is Jose is on his way to becoming a physician a dream of his and we are welcoming a healthy baby girl into our family and growing our family. The bad, Jose is never home and we miss him like crazy, school is super demanding and will be for many many years, the bad with a new baby...well...I guess the bad is that I don't know if we're ready! The hard to adjust is, Jose's schedule and seeing him so stressed, it seems like there is a ridiculously difficult test around every corner. Medical school is like undergrad x100...he has 4 classes of super hard and more tests to take in a shorter amount of time! With baby Mila, I know it will be hard to adjust to breastfeeding again (even though I just stopped 5 months ago), her sleeping patterns etc...
So why do we do it? Why torture ourselves, why not just live at home forever and never venture out into the world...well that's no fun either!
So here comes the part that I figured out (and am still figuring out), the who "I am" and the what "I have". I Am a woman, a child of God, that came to earth with a purpose. My purpose is to learn, to learn about joy, sorrow and pain, happiness, love and charity. Becoming a wife, joining in an eternal companionship, becoming a mother and building a forever family is how I learn those things. My husband, my children and especially my Eva have taught me all about the above. Without them I don't know if I would understand God, I think I might have from reading a book or simply studying the scriptures, but I know that my Father in Heaven knew me better...He said, "you are 'a learn on the job', type of girl" and here he gave me this family. So it comes to what I Have, a marriage that promises me change around every corner...and I'm Learning to love it....I Have an Angel baby, she, Eva promised me change from the moment we found out about her condition. I Have, my other children, they too have promised me change, simply by growing, learning and needing me. I Have this family that supports me, and build me up, they believe in me and my dreams!
I'm not sure what this post is, upbeat or a bit down, I'll let you be the judge of that. But for me, its just about reflection. Looking back and looking forward. I can tell you that I hope to write more about my journey with a bit a Eva in every post...I can't forget my Eva and with our new addition in the latest pictures!
I never say, "I wonder what will happen next". Because anything can happen! It has happened to me too many times!
This is the last picture we took of all four of us a few weeks before Eva passed away...how I wish we would have done our family pictures in Utah, like I had originally planned! This too has been a lesson for me..."never put off tomorrow, what you can do today!"
This is my handsome boy, just a few weeks ago, in a race car...he was in heaven! He too is changing very quickly!!
I love my family, I love the journey that brought me to this point, I wouldn't have it any other way!
ForEva in our Hearts!!
