Los Peña

Boy have I been waiting for this one!!

2012-01-24T23:05:00.001-07:00

Words can not express the emotions that have gone on these last few weeks or month in our home! We literally have had an abundance of support and blessings, "the heavens have poured out her blessings" on us! Brothers and Sisters, Friends, Family, perfect Strangers...the Lord hears and answers our prayers! If you didn't know this, KNOW it, if you KNEW it, don't forget it, if you want to know, ASK Him, go to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit!!!

First of all....I have been waiting, some days not so patiently, waiting to post this:

JOSE GOT INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL, he has been invited to Indiana University's School of Medicine's class of 2016, that is right, he did it and as I stated above...the Lord answers prayers! I know Jose will do wonderfully in medical school, I know that he can compete with the best of them. I also know that the Lord's hand was in his getting accepted! Jose worked hard after very difficult back to back semesters, when we found out about Eva's diagnosis and when Eva was born. He spent the next almost two years trying to recover. On paper and by grades and scores, he did not seem so competitive(in the MD arena anyway)...shame on you schools who did not take your opportunity to interview him and really get to know who he was, shame on you not seeing this diamond in the rough!!

Hooray Indiana...for your insight in choosing first of all to interview Jose and then for inviting him into your class!

Jose got into Indiana (top ranking medical school by the way) after only 2 rounds of interviewee considerations (2 rounds from his interview date). His interview trip to Indiana was full of blessings from the moment he got his interview day (on his birthday), to finding a great person to stay with (transplant surgeon), to getting a great interviewer, a physician (who first hand had experienced having a very sick child)...coincidence or the Lord's hand at work? My husband is a hard worker, honest and true! But we ultimately thank our Father in Heaven for His constant watch over our family and Jose!

Heavenly Father, clearly, asks us to do the work, Jose did just that, he also encourages us to not only remember Him in thanksgiving but to ask for what we want (righteously of course)! What have you done for Him lately or for your neighbor? I ask myself this question all of the time. In our case I feel that Heavenly Father's blessings are this constant reminder for us NEVER to forget to serve His children. I may not have grandiose means to serve His children, but I am reminded that I can serve Him without grand gestures, just pure intentions!

I can't really begin to explain the wonderful wonderful inspired people that we find in our lives. Amazing, thoughtful, generous and kind people who have taught us the meaning of being a servant of Christ. Where I have seen the dark in people I have seen 10 more with love, generosity and kindness! That has been a blessing.

I hope I never forget this moment in our lives....

I have been waiting to blog about these feelings, waiting to get that oh so big news, but as I sit her typing I realize, there are no words powerful enough to express the way I feel! Its BIG and I'm with a full heart!

I hope friends and family that you can help hold me accountable for these words I share with you today, for these feelings that are so big and that you help me remember!!

Jose and I are fully aware that any journey we take in life big or small does not have to be alone, we have never been alone. Even in the furthest place from people we knew, from our family....we were never alone. Loneliness is a feeling we chose to have or not to have. I had to tell myself that many times, we really are never alone. Jose and I welcome this new journey and chapter in our lives, we maybe moving 2,000 miles away from our family but we know we are never alone.

The world is smaller than we know and time goes faster than we care to acknowledge. Let's make the most of this wonderful chance at life we have been given, that's how it should be from the get go, right?

Anyway, its been an overwhelming month, weeks and few days!

I can't wait to see whats around that corner!

The Articles of Faith

2012-01-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

So I committed to myself this year I would blog more, I've committed to that like a hundred times so bare with me...LOL! Anyhow this post came from a small prompting as I was thinking of what I would like to share, outside of my family situation, in a blog. The Articles of Faith are thirteen statements of LDS beliefs, they were written in order to explain our beliefs as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! Here they are:

1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression

3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; Second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

Writing this blog has allowed me to remember the promises I made in baptism and the covenants I entered into. As I share these beliefs, these Articles of Faith, I am reminded that there are some things I do not honor so well and that I must do a better job. If you have any further questions on these articles or other beliefs of the LDS church, please feel free to stop by at LDS.org or Mormon.org

Happy Happy New Year!!!

2012-01-08T09:14:00.004-07:00

Looking back on 2011, as years past, it was pretty memorable and full of learning opportunities!

Jose graduated from BYU, Evandro celebrated his 1st birthday, Eva has continued to gain weight, and work hard for her physical therapist and well for myself, I went back to school and felt pretty triumphant with finishing the semester with all As (if you know me and know my past academics, that is quite a triumph!). We moved twice in 2011, celebrated 4 years of marriage and the best news of all came on December 16th in the way of a phone call, Jose was invited to A.T. Still University for medical school. I can't explain the weight that was lifted with that phone call for both of us (temporarily anyway, to be explained later).

I have watch for the last 4 years as Jose has met every challenge that this career choice has put in front of him, personally, academically and spiritually. He has risen to every occasion, some times gracefully and well, some times not so gracefully...LOL!! There is much much more to face, and it is a lot more complicated than just getting this first acceptance, I won't bore anyone with the immediate details but if anyone's children are interested in medical school or if you are planning on that path, feel free to ask!

This New Year was wonderful, basking in the Arizona sun, it was 77 degrees on New Year's Eve, chilly at night but the days were amazing! We got to spend time with family, both Jose's and mine, we hadn't done that in a long time. Ironically, we have only began to enjoy the outdoors here in Arizona, when we moved back in late April/May, Provo was still chilly, and we had been just coming out of our winter hibernation...LOL! When we came to Arizona, it was 100 (million) degrees and well we went into a summer hibernation! So fall time in Arizona is heavenly, hiking, playing in the park, biking, running! Its just gorgeous from October to about April.

What will 2012 bring? Well, so far it has brought a new wheelchair stroller for Eva, she looks like such a big girl in her chair and it helps her interact so much more than her baby chair did! In a few weeks Ms. Eva turns 3 years old and once again reaching a milestone. 2012 will bring one to two moves (my favorite...not!), the start of Jose's medical training, and I'm sure many more challenges to face as well as lessons to learn.

I am grateful for the selfless people in our lives that have helped us face our challenges, that have supported us when we didn't know where to turn or where help would come from. This last year was full of the Lord's blessings and merciful love. He has touched our hearts to help us serve, he has touched others hearts who have served us!

I have a very strong testimony that our Father in Heaven hears our prayers and that He knows our every thought, desire and heartache. I know He loves us and is ready to help us if we are just willing to ask and humble ourselves.

I have high hopes for 2012, I pray that I will be ready to meet any challenge with the help of my Father in Heaven!

Happy Happy 2012 to you my friends and family!!

Tis the Season...for TAMALES!!

2011-12-11T09:34:00.004-07:00

This that time of year when the Christmas decorations go up and hardworking Mexican women brave prepare their kitchens for tamale making! So this was my first year in a very very long time making tamales, for the last three Christmas seasons I've been in Utah and previous to that....well I was a single gal and frankly spending very late nights spreading masa was not really on my agenda (I know bad girl)! In my family my oldest sister, Cata, has taken the lead and selflessly has helped preserve the traditions of our grandmothers. There is almost a whole day dedicated to just making the meat and chile and to preparing the masa for spreading! We then have to soak corn husks so that they are soft and pliable. After all that people are so anxious to eat tamales that we are willing to stay up to wee hours of the morning spreading masa on the husks, so my sister can add the meat, close them up and put them in the tamale pot (huge huge pot that fits like 13 dozen tamales!). It's really like a two to three night event and the first night your so excited for the tamales that sleep is just not an option...LOL!! By the next night you can probably only hang till about midnight and since my sister works that just about takes up her whole weekend so then we extend it to the following weekend. Its like a love love hate relationship for the tamale preparer. You love love the wonderful memories they prompt of your grandmother of simpler days of Christmas and family time. However, it is so labor intensive a tinge of hate creeps in as you spread and spread and spread that masa on each and every odd shaped corn husk, they never seem to end. But then the love comes back as you smell them and then get to taste the first tamale, like having a baby maybe, you just forget and enjoy!
The last two nights Jose and I helped make tamales and boy were we pooped and all we did was spread masa, imagine how the preparer feels, my mom and my sister...what would we all do without them?!

Thank you for keeping tradition, thank you for teaching it, I promise I will preserve it and pass it down to my children! I will sign off now and I'm off to eat Chocolate Abuelita and a tamalito!!

Well Here We Are

2011-12-04T21:40:00.003-07:00

I guess if I posted more consistently I would be so far behind on pictures and wouldn't be jumping all over the place! Well, here we are 7 months in Arizona and almost 8 months since Jose graduated from BYU. In the time since graduation, we have moved, started new services for Eva in Arizona, Vandro had a 1st birthday and started to walk, Jose took the MCAT, and undertook the very grueling task of applying to 16 medical schools and received 16 secondaries (to a primary application), has received two rejections and 6 interview invitations, Moved again, Vandro runs (not just walks) and "plays" soccer, Eva has grown about 2 inches and is waiting for her big girl car seat and big girl stroller wheelchair, and mom returned to school (Mom, Gabby)!

It really feels like a lot has happened but on the same token, we feel in the same place. All of Jose's medical school interviews have been insightful and exciting. Every time he has an interview, his desire to become a physician is confirmed! I can not tell you how amazing it is to see your spouse as their best self. Jose just lights up with anything medical, we are so grateful for being this far on our journey. The interesting part is that there is so much more waiting to be done with respect to applying and getting accepted into medical school. He has gotten as far as the interview process and well that's huge and great, the more interviews the better chance of you getting into some where. However, it can be from now till March and the latest July before we could potentially get an answer of, Yes (your accepted into our school), No (sorry but no offer) or Waitlisted (we want you but there is no space for you)...the latter two would seriously be heartbreaking so we're going for a solid YES! The waiting is torture!!!!

In the meantime, Jose applied to be a substitute teacher at a couple of school districts here in Tucson and adjusting to being with the babies (and their schedules) more, which I think makes him miss school a lot more than he thought...LOL!! We are really enjoying our time together, Jose and I and the babies!

I will try to post more often, hence have more pictures!

Interesting...Happy Birthday Babe!

2011-11-09T07:39:00.001-07:00

Today is my wonderful husband's birthday....the big 27! He happens to be in Indiana for a medical school interview, what a birthday gift! Interestingly enough, because he is in Indiana and wanted to show pictures of our kids and family, he doesn't ever post anything on Facebook...I'm back on!! Well that certainly was a short breakup...LOL!

More importantly, I got to say Happy Birthday in many locations to Jose!

Yes I finally did it...for now anyway!

2011-11-08T15:02:00.002-07:00

So I deactivated my facebook page, for now anyway! It was becoming way too much of a distraction and I wasn't really using it anyway. I may go back...as facebook always calls you back! I just don't really know when, I realized lately that I have a lot of "friends" that aren't my friends and I got to figure out how I"m going to "effectively" use my facebook!

Hopefully it will then free up blogging time...LOL!!

It's about TIme!

2011-10-28T01:18:00.009-07:00

Finally, as I sit at nearly 2am at the computer, I see that its been a very long time since I last posted a blog! So much has happened in the last eight months, Jose graduated, we moved to Tucson, Vandro turned one, I went back to school, Jose has medical school interviews and we finally moved into our own place...a house, a real house!

Vandro turns 1!

Living in Tucson!

Papa's Graduation!

These are but a few pictures of the last 8 months...blogger is being weird and won't let me post more! Life is good and we're all adjusting to all these changes, the babies are handling them beautifully, as they say the only constant is change and unfortunately (and fortunately) there is much more change to come!

Go Cougars!!!!

2011-02-19T08:38:00.003-07:00

We just purchased Jose's graduation packet: cap/gown and announcements! Graduation stirs so many emotions, I'm so proud of my husband, it has been quite the "adventure" these last three years, we've had our scares, our trials and tribulations, but we did it together!! In these last three years I have really grown to know what it means when you say, "my husband is my best friend".
In my youth, it was all about the "besties", I have to admit, its a word I can't stand now, I guess it just seems so juvenile to me. Elementary school, Junior High, High School, College and as I found...even in your mid to late 20's, its all about the best girl friends. Hanging out, Girls Night Out...and I was one that thought that was the only way to live or I guess I couldn't live without them. I mean we had matching necklaces for goodness sake! Sometimes I felt like I was living a scene in Mean Girls but nonetheless I really thought this is what its all about.
And it comes back to this, my conversion to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I think for me it was time. It was time to grow up, granted I was 31...LOL...it better have been time! I was a late bloomer what can I say. My conversion, my religion IS who I am. It is what my family is and its who I want those that surround me to know. I owe everything to knowing that I have a Father in Heaven that loves me, that forgives me, that never judges me and only asks that I try, that I honor Him and Love Him. My conversion has meant my eyes being wide open, even when I want to keep them half shut. My conversion has meant finding and knowing what it is to have a best friend!
Graduation stirs up so much emotion, I look around me and I have wonderful husband who loves me, he always looks at me with desire, even when I look like I just came out of a tornado! He gives me and has given me EVERYTHING I have ever wanted. He works hard, he shares everything with me, even when its not pretty. He's humble enough to hear me out, when I think he's not on the right track. He's given me EVERYTHING...did I say that already? My everything, for now, has a name as a matter of fact, its two names! EVA and EVANDRO!
In my youth, I thought my pleasures would always be found in things like my hair, my clothes, my friendships. But in my "new" youth, I feel like I've learned that there are precious relationships, and I've met some wonderful people here in Utah, and there are forever friends, I have a couple of those, and that the most important relationship is that of family, especially husband and wife. I have had the privilege of being a stay home mom, because my husband loves me, I know thats that everyones desire and I didn't know it was really mine until now. I get to play with my kids everyday, I get to be my babies first best friend! That feeling overwhelms me, there is no girl friend out there (sorry friends) that could compare or measure up.
In my thirties I know who I am I know what I want and I'm lucky to feel this kind of peace. Don't get me wrong its not that easy, doubt is a thief that lingers in the shadows waiting to steal this peace away. But this little mantra helps me remember...I've been there I've done that and now I am where I prayed I would be!
I love these last three years, I wouldn't trade the good, the bad or the ugly for anything! I have truly loved our BYU experience and I pray my children will want the same experience, this is where they were born (well Vandro) this is where Papa and Mamma grew up!

GO COUGARS!!!

Halloween 2010

2010-11-02T13:39:00.004-07:00

We had a fun halloween...Vandro's 1st, Eva's second!!! The week before Halloween we carved pumpkins with Jory (the little boy Jose mentors). Eva was the Frog Princess and Evandro the Frog Prince. Jose and I made Vandro's costume and reused Eva's tinkerbell costume from last year for her princess costume, it was fun. We totally are not crafty nor do we have sewing etc skills but maybe next year.

It rained like crazy so we went to the mall for some trick-or-treating, we went to visit our friends in the hospital to visit their new baby and then made carmel apples with friends. We hardly ever get to have a whole night with daddy so it was nice to have both daddy and Tia Meli!

Next year we'll be in AZ with all the cousins and Vandro will probably be pushing Eva in the stroller!! I love love love my children, I'm so grateful to be a mother and to have such wonderful children. As strange as it sounds after just being 4 months post-partum, I can't wait to see what it will be like with another little addition! My niece will be having a baby this winter, 1st great grandbaby, my sister will be having her 4th child, 20th grandchild...and my children will have babies to play with!!!

Ok...second video so cute Ahhh Vandro!!!!

2010-10-20T22:46:00.004-07:00

I could not help myself but to post another video of Evandro with Cassie, he is jus so animated and funny! I can't wait till he can show his big sister some funny stuff.

Doesn't he just make you laugh!!

2010-10-20T22:09:00.002-07:00

It has been quite awhile since I really posted any of my "thoughts" on my blog and frankly I'm probably not going to be posting too many things as far as my "convictions" or "thoughts". I realized that I really like to express ALL my feelings and personally they probably belong in my journal, not my blog. I created my blog so that distant family and friends could enjoy our growing family and I also used it to share Eva's diagnosis. I will continue to share stuff about Eva and now Evandro, but mostly out of sheer bragging!!!

My children make me so happy, (my husband makes me happy too but I hardly see him...LOL!!) I want you to look for some uplifting content and want to see what the Peña's are up to and come to our blog.

I had to post this video, our very good friend came over today with her beautiful little girl, who was sleeping when we took this video, Cassie, my friend, made Vandro CRACK UP, I was cry laughing!!

Creating Awareness - Families for HoPE

2010-10-06T12:00:00.002-07:00

My Dear Family and Friends

As of recent, I became a board member for Families for HoPE. This is my opportunity for me to help create awareness for Eva’s condition, a condition that affects so many families; most statistics have been taken in the UK. However, currently, in the US the incidence is about 951 per year. Holoprosencephaly (HPE), is listed as a rare disease, this means that it affects less then 200,000 people in the US population.

Families for HoPE, Inc. is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization seeks to provide support for all stages in the HPE journey: Families of unborn infants receiving a diagnosis of HPE, Families of newborns diagnosed with HPE at birth, Families of infants with delay in diagnosis of HPE, Families of children with a diagnosis of HPE, Families of adults with a diagnosis of HPE as well as Families grieving the loss of a child with a diagnosis of HPE.

Starting today and until October 28, 2010, we are having our Fall Fundraiser. This fundraiser will help with upcoming conferences and future family weekend conferences and of course, to continue to create awareness about HPE, I need your help!!! I would love it if all of you bought a T-shirt or at the very least one of the Awareness Items.

Buying any of these items, I believe, with their message of HoPE, can be worn and applied to many situations. The HoPE motto is everyone’s motto – as in our family, we have seen our share of trials but -- as we stand HoPE prevails! Things can be tough and HoPE is the only thing that can separate us between surviving trials and falling into despair.

I need your help; we need your help to create awareness for Holoprosencephaly! This is a condition with no cure. The formation of the brain of an unborn child starts within the first few weeks of life, hence where the malformation starts. The earliest some parents can find out about the condition is about 15 weeks gestation --- however that is still too late! Help us create awareness among our friends, family, health professionals and health communities! These little babies that are given this diagnosis deserve life, not all children fall to the fatal diagnosis that physicians explain to parents. These little babies, children and adults need more community support from their health professionals.

Please let me know what items you are interested in buying, I can put in your order and you can send me payment (check or money order) all items must be paid in full no later than October 28^th. You can make your checks out to Families for HoPE, Inc. or you can make them out to me. Also with your order, please note that there is shipping costs as follows: 1-4 items: $5, 5-10 items: $10, 11-15 items: $15, 15+ items: $20 added to your order. There is also a credit card option via the www.familiesforhope.org website, you have to click on the donate button, follow instructions to complete payment.

Thank you all for your support I would love if you could help me spread this email and continue to help me create awareness! Help me raise money, money, money, money...LOL!!!

I love you all!!!

Evandro Nicolás Peña

2010-07-08T10:27:00.003-07:00

Welcome baby!!! Evandro Nicolás Peña was born on 6/21 at 6:58am, 8lbs, 12oz and 21 inches long!! I can not tell you how amazing it was to see him all red and gooey, he was real. Its funny for me being pregnant was some thing so separate and distinct to having the baby. Ok, I know it sounds weird, cause of course its separate and distinct! But I guess, being pregnant you have the things you love about it and just grow accustomed to and then when the baby is gone from your belly, you miss them there. You have fantasies about how that little baby is going to be, what they will look like and act like. When they are born, its a start over, they are who they are, they look as they look and it catches you off guard! When I saw Evandro, it was instant water works! He was real and beautiful and healthy! Eva looked the same to me when she was born, I guess that's why it was still a shock to hear her confirmed diagnosis two days later! With Evandro, I got to keep him in my room the whole time in the hospital. I could hold him as much as I wanted to!!! I held him tight for all the times I could not hold my sweet Eva while she was in the NICU and I as recovering.

He is 2weeks old this week and we are still getting to know him. Its funny how some of our family asks, "Has he done this.. or that.." "Is he _____ yet". I have to remind them that he is only 2weeks old, he is just learning about eating, pooing, and sleeping! He probably won't being doing a lot of anything until at least 2 months. Sometimes I feel like, my poor son will have the weight of all that Eva couldn't do all on him. Well, that's what mom and dad are here for, to remind people that Evandro is his own person, with his own expectations and set of accomplishments! Its a slippery slope, we are all so excited to meet this healthy boy, yet we can forget he is still a fragile little person!

Jose and I are loving our newest member, last night Jose, Eva, Evandro and I just laid in bed together. It was amazing to look at both of our children just laying there. Yesterday, July 7, was the 3 year anniversary of Jose and I's second date (the best ever)! Today is the 4 year anniversary of my baptism into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!! It amazes me how much time changes things and people, just three years ago, I was getting to know Jose and here we are parents to two children!

I love my family, I love being a mother and wife!! I am so grateful for my life!!

Mother's Day

2010-05-13T18:52:00.004-07:00

Yesterday I sat in Eva's hospital room holding her and I realized I was holding both of my children at the same time. It's not like it was the first time that it happened, I guess it was the first time I realized it. It was an awesome feeling!

Well we're going on our third day here at Primary Children's Medical Center. Eva is doing as well as we hoped. The first night was difficult, they had a hard time getting her seizures under control and so it was a really hard night. I had warned them about her seizures, I had warned them about her vitals but I guess they didn't believe me. So there was some panic. They also didn't seem to believe me about her medication dose and so they didn't give her what she is used to getting. It was a bit frustrating not being able to do anything and of course just not understanding the pharmacology behind their decisions. We got a consult from the neurology department the next day and it was a huge relief to her back on her medication and to her baseline.

This afternoon they started her gtube, some meds and very little formula. They are just wanting to see how her stomach reacts. So far Eva has been handling things like a champ. Tonight they only started with 5mL of formula at a time and every four hours they will increase by 5mL until they get to her usual dose. They just want to see what her stomach and nissen procedure will do, so far its looking good!

These last 15 months have gone by so fast i can't believe how big Eva is, how much Jose and I have changed and grown. We continue to progress in our goals. Jose graduates in less then a year, we are 7 months away from our 3 year wedding anniversary and about 6 weeks away having our second child. I know this may sound crazy but today I had this flash of our son becoming a parent and I had an amazingly overwhelming feeling of pride and joy! I know its a bit premature, since he hasn't even been born yet!

I can say that as of late, I have become very conscious of what we choose in life today impacts even our distant tomorrows. I know that when I think of our future, our children, Jose as a physician, our future home, being grandparents, future missionaries, I feel so happy! I feel so hopeful, it is those visions of our future that remind me everyday to seek counsel from the Lord about all of our decisions. I know that because of these visions I want to make sure that my decisions are based on the future outcomes. I am so grateful for the blessings in our lives, I am so grateful for the trials that help us grow and for the reminders of my role as a mother in Zion!

Waiting

2010-05-11T11:50:00.003-07:00

Well, as usual, I'm behind on updates. I have so many but I'm sitting in the surgery waiting room of Primary's Children Medical Center waiting to hear on how Eva's surgery is going, and I thought I would post a few thoughts. I took some pictures of Eva this morning in her little hospital gown, she looked so stinken cute! I don't have the wire to connect the camera to the computer, so I'll have to post those pictures later. I'll probably have a few posts of just pictures.

It was a little awkward this morning sitting in the registration area waiting to be called and seeing so many kids waiting for procedures, I was nervous and felt out of place. The kids, however, just played with the toys, not looking any where near as anxious as their parents. Eva's procedure is supposed to take 2 hours and its been about an hour already. I was so emotional handing her over to the anesthesiologist at the end of our walk down a long hallway to the surgery area. I could not squeeze her and kiss her enough! Maybe all mothers feel this way but as a mother I just want to be there for every single thing she goes through. I want to hold her hand, hold her, comfort her, even though she may not need comforting. As an aunt, most of my nephews and nieces will attest to this, I wasn't exactly the most nurturing of Tias. My nephew stated once to my sister, after he found out I was applying as a flight attended (I was about 24years old), "I don't think Tia Gabby would be a good flight attendant, she would make the people get all of their own blankets!" I demanded they do everything themselves, I was not there servant! When they cried I wasn't always the most compassionate either, I would kind of get annoyed that they cried over nothing and would pretty much just tell them to suck it up. I couldn't stand whining or lazy little kids. I guess that's what happens when you don't have kids until your 30's?! I've been an aunt since I was 10 years old so I guess I became pretty comfortable in that role.

But motherhood....oh boy, different ball game! I have come to see my brothers and sisters and there parenting styles in a completely different light. I have come to understand what real love and compassion is, what it means to comfort an innocent child in new and scary experiences. Although Eva is not old enough or maybe does not have the understanding of these things for me to put into real practice these new found traits, I just feel them because of being her mother. Before getting pregnant, before having children, Jose and I had all these theories of how we would parent and what things we would do regarding discipline etc.. not that we can apply things necessarily with Eva but once you see your baby, your child, this little piece of you and your husband something happens. You could never imagine hurting them, or seeing them hurt or sad, and you certainly could not imagine being the one that inflicts any of these things. I guess we'll have to wait and see if these feelings continue when we have to deal with a screaming, tantrum throwing child...LOL!!! We know that our son will probably give us a run for our money but we are definitely looking forward to finding out!

Theories are great and its so ideal to plan and believe that all your plans will just work out as you dream they will, but one thing I have learned as a new parent, as a new wife, is that the best plan is a flexible one!

Well, our time is almost up for Eva's procedure to be done, I think I'm going to quietly wait for my perfect little girl! I can't wait to hold her and kiss her again!

So many updates...but I'll start here!

2010-05-05T13:46:00.003-07:00

Well, I think I'm going to take it as a compliment that so many people have been scolding me for not updating my blog. Well, so much has happened since I last posted. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and I can't believe that our bouncing baby boy is so close to joining our family! Can you believe I'm going to be a mother of two, just two years ago I was a newlywed and now I am going to be a mother of two!! Well, to be fair I am going to learn more about day to day baby stuff from our son, but I know that I have certainly learned how to love like a mother from Eva!

The last few months have been a blur, Jose is now done with school for the summer and for once taking a long deserved break. He will hold off from taking the MCAT and applying for medical school this summer in order to focus more on us and on him. He seems really happy with his decision and that makes me happy with his decision. Eva has continued to have eating issues, we just have not been able to get the throwing up under control, we blame the seizures, acid reflux but really we know that due to her condition there will always be something. I have stated in past posts that, I don't want to fix my daughter, but I would love to make her comfortable. She is such a brave girl who teaches all of us every day. Eva is still weighing only 11lbs and quite small, she is about 26 inches...but the cutest little princess you will ever see!

Just this last week we went to see the pediatric surgeon to talk about Eva's options for g-tube, a g-tube or a gastric (another word for stomach) feeding tube is a tube inserted through a small incision in the abdomen into the stomach and is used for long-term feeding. While we visited with the doctor he suggested that she get a Nissen fundoplication as well. The Nissen fundoplication is basically an extra step to ensure Eva will not throw up, what it does is improves the natural barrier between the stomach and the esophagus by wrapping a part of the stomach known as the gastric fundus around the lower esophagus. It will prevent the flow of acids from the stomach into the esophagus and strengthens the valve between the esophagus and stomach. We have scheduled the surgery for this upcoming Tuesday, May 11th at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City. It is supposed to be a very routine and simple surgery (for the surgeon...lol), it will be done laparoscopically, which is by a very tiny incision to accommodate small tubes, a passageway for special surgical instruments and a laparoscope. A laparoscope is a fiber-optic instrument that is inserted in the abdominal wall, it sends images from the stomach to a video monitor, so the surgeon can operate with those special surgical instruments. Ok that was a basic explanation but as sophisticated as I get! As of today, we scheduled Eva to have the g-tube with the Nissen fundoplication but Jose and I have felt that we need to pray and make sure that it is still the right decision for her. Our surgeon was extremely reasonable in letting us schedule while we are still deciding on the lengthier part of the procedure. We have until the day of surgery to change our minds and only have the g-tube done. I know that makes me feel more in control. There is no fear like the one a parent feels to hand their child over to someone else, and just trust that they will make the best decisions from there on out. We feel really comfortable with our surgeon and his staff, the hospital seems great and those things really aid in comforting us. I know that the hand of the Lord is very much present because the fear that I have comes from my own brain, He is there to wrap His loving arms around Jose and I in reassurance that His plan is in full effect and no matter what happens He will always be there to comfort and love. I guess it makes me feel like Eva will never be alone, even though I won't be with her in surgery, its funny though, she is soooo much stronger than I could be. I look at that baby and she has no fear! She is the reason I guess I can't!

Well, since my last post I have also found out I have gestational diabetes. Boy does it bite to have a restriction of diet when you crave all the wrong things, I am forced to practice discipline, a lesson I have greatly needed. So we are back seeing the perinatologist, I am getting weekly non-stress tests to check on the baby. They basically hook me up to a monitor and monitor for contractions, baby movement, heart rate etc... I just lay there for about an hour and get to listen to our son! Its not cool to go to the doctor every week but its so wonderful and soothing to be able to hear our baby! I also am getting monthly ultrasounds. My sugars are doing pretty good, I have some bad readings but they are not bad by much, and I usually know exactly why! I do know, however, that once you have had gestational diabetes the chance of getting it in subsequent pregnancies is pretty darn high, as well as getting it later in life. Healthy eating habits and exercise are not only essential but life saving! Well, I know that I have been steadily gaining weight (and being pregnant for two years doesn't help) but this has certainly been an eye opener. Of the four risk factors I meet all four, being older than 30 (some sites say 25 years), family history, being overweight (which kills me, cause if you knew me from before I was always very thin, with no effort), and Race - Hispanic!

Well, I can't really complain about any part of our situation, there are too many blessings around to do that! This post is quite long and I have still so many other amazing things to talk about. I'll have to post that a little later...but we did have wonderful baby shower in Tucson for our son and it was amazing and fun! Eva's hair is growing like a weed! I am as big as a house! All these pictures I have to post, soon I promise. Today is the beginning of my Mother's Day weekend and I have to go, I woke up to the most amazing little surprises and we are on our way to the Tulip Festival (my favorite flower), lunch (Brazilian...hmm meat!) and then our ward Mother's Day party and dance (Salsa, Merengue, Bachata...we'll see if I have any moves in me!)

Have a great Mother's Day weekend!!!

Los Peña

Its a Boy!!!!

2010-02-22T14:02:00.005-07:00

Well I am now 23 weeks, this week and feeling great....really big but great! We had an amazing ultrasound experience with this baby! First of all...ITS A BOY!!! I know most of our family knows but this blog serves to let our far away friends know too. The nerves don't completely go away but we are definitely excited and so many things are going through our minds. Things that we let go when we got Eva's diagnosis. All the exciting things we anticipated for Eva like all the firsts, walking, first tooth, first words! I mean just to see a baby grow and change in months.

We are talking for the first time again, about discipline, vacations, schools, hopes and dreams for our baby. Its this whole exciting aftermath we just didn't have after Eva's ultrasound. I also can't stop thinking about our little Eva in this whole equation. I want to raise loving and compassionate children, ones that will love and care for their big sister. Again, as always, I have to say why Eva is such a blessing to our family, I know that she will make us all better people, better, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, neighbors and better Latter-day Saints!! I also feel that its time for us to buckle down on routine in our home, to make sure that our new son has the most normal life. I am so grateful to have a wonderful husband the father of my children, I am so grateful that, even though it has been difficult at times, I am able to be a stay home mom. I am truly grateful that (thus far) we have been on the same page in terms of our goals, Jose knows that I don't demand a new car, new things for our home, vacations or new clothes. And I know the same about him, we made our goals when we got married, we came to Utah for a purpose and we began our family in the same manner. We have not side tracked, we haven't been distracted YET! It's hard, I have to admit, not having "things" that we see others with, or sometimes to distinguish between needs and wants but really we have no worries, we have no unnecessary debt, he is moving forward with school as a top priority and we have been able to continue to build our family. As we have talked about this baby we almost almost convinced ourselves we needed a new car, a bigger car, I mean we will be a family of four. I have been looking comparing and figuring out the best way to buy this car/suv and pay it off before he graduates or by his first year of medical school. And then I went over to a friends house and they are having twins, did I say twins! They have there compact car and two car seats, its just what I needed to see to get perspective. We have a car that is paid off, first of all we have a car and its safe and it fits the needs of our family today. So needless to say, issue dropped, for now, until we can evaluate needs vs. wants again.

Every time I do want to worry, I pray, each and every prayer has been answered! I know how fortunate we are, we have luxuries that may not seem like luxuries to those that live "of the world" but those that "live in the world" and still strive to do what is ultimately best for their families, I know understand. We have a home, we have a loving, stable relationship, we have a growing family, and a loving extended family, we have a vehicle to get us to where we need to go, we have food always on the table...and did I say, love love love! So cheesy I know! There are a lot of new people I have met since moving out here and a lot of old friends I have reconnected with since facebook...lol...a lot of you I have on our blog list. I love to read your stories, on how you serve your families and especially you moms on how you strive to be the best example to your children. You are such an example to me! I love going to church every Sunday, it seems that when I'm looking to be reminded that we are on the right track there is some Sunday school or Relief Society lesson on that particular subject. This Sunday in Relief Society it was on Sacrifice. I was reminded that everyday decisions need to be made based on an eternal perspective not a mortal perspective and when we do that which is eternal we will always lived a blessed life, regardless of the trials!

We still have a lot that is too come, not just with a new baby but as always with Eva. She continues on hospice, which has been the best for us. She will soon be evaluated by a Peds GI doctor, just to make sure that there are no other problems and we also will soon be seeing a Peds Surgeon to start discussing Eva's g-tube. Which my understanding is pretty routine, its just not routine to us. I'm hoping to get it all done before I'm too big and the new baby comes. I really want to know what we're doing with Eva before I need to figure out what I'm doing with a newborn. Eva is doing well, she still is a little shrimp but as I talk to other HPE parents and see other HPE kids, Eva seems to be right on track. She is the same size as all the other kids with HPE at her age, she is about 11lbs and measures 26 inches and just holding steady. I expected that she would drop far behind the normal growth chart sooner or later. I know that whether the child is the most severe HPE or the least, it may not make a difference. It's all about the brain. At first I was worried but now I just realize that Eva is doing what Eva is supposed to be doing and I am proud of her. My daughter is different and I know that I will need to continue to remind myself of that when I want to compare her to other children.

I love my Heavenly Father, who, despite my imperfections, is so loving and merciful and has granted me all my hearts desires! I am grateful for my perfect daughter who teaches us everyday and I will continue to be thankful for every day we are blessed with her in our home. I know that Eva's time is limited here on earth, it maybe for a few more days, a few more months, or even a few more years but we will cherish every minute!

EVA'S GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER EVA'S GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER

Pictures of Youmna

2010-02-11T16:21:00.002-07:00

Here are some pictures that my friend Hadeel sent me of Youmna and her brother and sister! What a sweet angel, may she rest in peace!

Youmna

2010-02-10T06:56:00.002-07:00

This week my very good friend, Hadeel Sayyed, in Palestine had to say farewell to her sweet baby girl, Youmna. Youmna had Alobar Holoprosencephaly, the same condition as Eva, she had seizures and temperature problems. Youmna was only 2 weeks younger than Eva, she died just a few days shy of her 1st birthday. Hadeel is an absolutely wonderful mother, who went through things we could not imagine here in the States. She went months without being able to bring her baby home. Here in the states that may be the case for some parents but they have the luxury of visiting their child all day if they wanted to, they were never denied time with there little ones. When Youmna was in the NICU or their version of it, Hadeel was given a 2 hour time limit a day to see her little girl. When she wrote to me she shared how grateful she was to be with her even for that short amount of time, she never spent her time complaining, she shared her feelings, her feelings of longing to hold her child whenever she wanted to, she wanted to care for her child but was not allowed to. We have luxuries that others don't such as not having to go through check points with soldiers deciding whether you could pass or not, and making it impossible to see your baby in the hospital. The best hospital was far away from her home and there were soldier check points to go through, it was scary and you weren't sure everyday what They would decide about your travels. We are very fortunate to live in this country and have access to medical care that others do not. Hadeel actively sought help, she contacted other parents in the states to try and figure out how to help her little girl. She never whined or complained when her daughter was in the hospital for months without having access to her. We should be grateful for all this country affords us!

Hadeel had hard days and sought comfort from friends and family but always remained strong, she had two other children to take care of and a life that had to go on, regardless of her situation with her daughter. She is someone that I immediately felt a strong connection to, she never felt like she was the only one going through what she was going through, she was always sympathetic and concerned for others, she is such an example to me of what a mother should be, of what a woman should be. Womanhood, I believe, is defined by HoPE! Womanhood, is a woman who knows a difficult situation but does not seek pity, she looks only to improve the world around her. She sees life through hopeful and positive eyes. She is not superficial or juvenile.

To my very good friend Hadeel Sayyed....I love you, I admire you and someday my friend we will see each other in person but till then we will always be in touch!

Our Eva's turning 1!!!

2010-01-20T03:33:00.000-07:00

On January 28th Eva will be 1 year old! I can't believe that our little girl is turning 1! So many things run through my mind when I think back a year ago and all that transpired and how this day seemed a million years away. We will be celebrating Eva's birthday on January 30th. One year to that date, we received the most horrible confirming news, her MRI results came back and she also had her first seizure that morning, they told us "your daughter has Alobar Holoprosencephaly and she does not have very long to live". I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Just two days prior we welcomed our baby girl into the world and where so excited and caught up with the new parent feeling, when they confirmed her diagnosis, told us to take her home and make as much memories we could because she had such little time left. Those words, were mind blowing, Jose and I have never hurt so much. Getting to her 1st birthday seemed impossible! But here we are, celebrating her year of life and still taking things one day at a time.

I know that being Eva's mom has changed me forever, it has changed me not only as a person but as a mother. I don't know what kind of mother I would be without having Eva, I guess I'll never know but I know that because of her I will cherish everyday with all of my [future] children. I know that I not only want to raise healthy, happy children, I want to raise loving, compassionate children who want to serve others. Eva definitely is a tough act to follow for any sibling and for us as parents! Because of her, I know the person I want to be (I'm still working everyday on that) and the people I want in my life.

I love looking at pictures of those first few days, months, I'm sure most mothers do, I can't believe how much she has changed. She hasn't really grown that much, she still is tiny, about the size of a 3 month old, but she has changed, she is my little woman! I love to see her with her dad and how he cuddles her and loves her. My big brother told me that, "having a child would make you forget the life you had and who you were before them". He said, "everything that you thought was important then would seem so ridiculous". And he was right, it is so much easier to make "me" decisions now, I just think of my daughter and who I want her to know I am and decision made! I don't know if it's because I'm an "older" mom or if its who I would always have been with kids but I just feel like this is my time to be a mother and its the best time of my life. I don't desire the things, places or people I did in my 20's. As most of you who knew me when...I was always out Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday etc...you get the picture, Me is all I cared about. I guess its a normal 20's thing, its all about how things will effect you, I think that Heavenly Father just knew I was too self-centered to find and appreciate a good husband or appreciate motherhood and its awesome responsibility so he made me wait. And I am very very grateful!

Your first child is special...as I'm sure the proceeding children will be...but this is the first experience you have with real real love! I remember after Eva was born looking at my husband in a different light, I saw him too with real real love, to know that together we brought this perfect little creature into the world and started our family, just made me love him more!

Happy Birthday Sweet girl...Thank you for choosing us to be your parents, I hope we make you proud!!!

Mommy and Pappa!!!

AT LAST

2010-01-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

I just love the lyrics of the Etta James classic, "At Last":

At last

my love has come along

my lonely days are over

And life is like a song

Ooh, yeah, yeah

At last

The skies above are blue

my heart was wrapped up i clover

the night I looked at you

I found a dream

That I could speak to

a dream that I

Can call my own

I found a thrill

to press my cheek to

a thrill that I have never known

You smile

Ooh and then the spell was cast

And here we are in heaven

for you are mine at last

This song was one of mine and Jose's wedding songs, the other "Bendita la Luz", I blogged about in a previous post. The lyrics seemed so perfect in describing my husband and how I felt in finally meeting the man of my dreams. I spent many, many years making many, many mistakes in the relationship department and it was just as the song said, "...the skies above are blue, my heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you..."

These lyrics and this song touched me once again when my beautiful little girl was born! I swear I could hear the words and song in my head the first time I saw her. Every time I listen to this song I am reminded that I am living every desire/dream I had. My prayers answered. The dream isn't an exact replica of what I had seen but every single important detail is there. This summer I will turn 35, I just celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary, my little girl will be 1 year old at the end of this month and a new baby will be joining our family this summer. I could never have imagined at 30 years old that only 5 years later I would have the love of my life and the family I dreamed of, "...I found a dream that I could speak to; A dram that I can call my own; I found a thrill to rest my cheek to; A thrill that I have never known...And here we are in heaven for you are mine At last"

I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven, that despite my imperfections granted me my hearst desire, I am so grateful for a loving, dedicated and hard-working husband who cherishes and loves his Father in Heaven and is equally dedicated to doing His work!

Happy New Year!

Los Peña

Christmas...let me tell you why I love it!

2009-12-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

I'll have to be honest, I never was a real big fan of Christmas. I have always appreciated the meaning of the season, however, the extreme commercialism was just a big turn off. Nothing bad happened to me as a child or anything. No sad Christmas', I don't have some traumatic story or anything, I just grew tired of the shopping, shopping, shopping (PS..I'm not a big fan of shopping either) and the asking, asking, asking for everything. The commercials were also a little much, everything on TV is a must have item, I mean really how many toys does a kid need. So, of course, I marry Mr. "I love Christmas". Soon after we were married I had to break it to my husband that I am not a fan of Christmas, he was shocked and appalled, how can anyone not be a fan of Christmas?! Let me tell you the greatest thing about my husband, he grew up in a humble home, not poor but humble, so he didn't love Christmas because that's when you got great gifts and everything you wanted. He loved Christmas truly because of the meaning and the spirit that Christmas represented, Christmas day he loves to read the story of the birth of Christ from the bible; the humble beginnings of our Savior. And caroling, he loves Christmas music. In my whole life I have not had better Christmas' then I have had these last two years with my husband. This year there were no gifts, we didn't open any presents on Christmas morning but it was the best Christmas ever! Ah...please don't play any sad songs for us, I am serious it was the best Christmas ever, PRESENTS DO NOT MAKE A CHRISTMAS!! We unpacked boxes and cooked up a storm we played holiday music and Skyped with family. No,I'm not delusional, I know I'm a mother and I know that someday we will have money and we won't always be this poor and seeing the joy in my child's eyes will make me melt but these last two years and the next few poor years that follow I guess I want to learn how to instill in our children that Christmas is about family, good friends, making things like food or treats to give away, love and especially time together remembering the birth of our Savior! Traditions, like tamales, pozole, bunuelos are also pretty good!! I really want those gifts to be secondary, Santa to be a wonderful story but not someone to really believe in, kind of like Mickey Mouse or the Princesses. I know don't shoot me because I said no Santa. I didn't grow up with the whole Santa story, actually I believe most Latin children didn't.

So, can someone change you? Yes! I have come to love this holiday and the true spirit that surrounds it, I have also come to learn to stay away from the mall and if there are going to be gifts, getting them slowly through out the year is best...holiday shoppers are crazy...LOL!

Merry CHRISTmas Everyone!! We hope your holiday was filled with love, family, friends and traditions!!

Los Pena

"...go forth, multiply and replenish the earth..."

2009-12-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

So Jose and I are trying to do our part and obey the Lord's commandment to multiply and replenish...lol! So here we are just shy of our two year wedding anniversary and baby #2 will be joining us next year, our due date is June 23rd. Its funny to think that last year I found myself pregnant at Christmastime and here at Christmastime again I find myself pregnant. I thought I would share with you a picture of our newest little miracle. Without a doubt we know that Eva will be the best big sister EVER!

There are times I find myself thinking, "are you crazy, Eva has special needs, its just plain crazy to have another child at this time!" or "You guys are struggling to get by and Jose still has so much school left" But they are just moments of madness, the real madness would be to deny what Jose and I already prayed about, a family. We have received constant reassurance from our Heavenly Father that this is the right time to have our family. We are so excited and anxious about what lies ahead for our little family.

So a little Eva update, she has been strong for the most part and has had some off days. This last year Eva has dealt with 3 colds, like a champ (as my oldest brother likes to call her). Eva's seizures continue on a daily basis, at this point, if she is awake she is seizing. Last year, when Eva was born, she had a problem regulating her temperature, she would get so hot. This winter Eva is having the other problem of regulating her temperature so she gets so cold. Our wonderful hospice nurse, and one of the most important people in our lives, Margaret suggested a heating pad for Eva to sleep on to help bring up her core temp. It has worked beautifully, we only have to keep it on for an hour or so. Her eating is still not the best, she is eating about the same total amount of food for the last 9 months. We have tried to increase her intake but she can't tolerate it. We have considered meeting with a general surgeon for a consultation on Eva's G-tube, however, we keep pushing back the date, it just doesn't seem like the right time yet. Eva is as gorgeous as ever and we are enjoying our time with her. This picture is of Eva wearing her BYU onsie.

As for Jose and I update. Well Jose continues to work on school and all the preparations for applying to medical school. It seemed like we waited forever for this point but now that we are just about here, it seems it came too suddenly. The end of the year signifies a lot of upcoming changes for us. At the end of this week we move into our second marital home, new neighbors, new landlord...YaY!! A baby to prepare for this summer! Jose applying, interviewing and (keep him in your prayers) getting an acceptance letter into medical school! And finally our little girl turning a year! Regretfully, I have not been the best blogger but I am grateful for this little bit of writing I have gotten to do this past year. I believe blogging has helped me far more than it may help anyone that may come across our page.

I have to say that every time I write and reflect on this page, as well as in my journal, I am able to recognize all the blessing in mine and my family's lives. Jose and I are very lucky to have each other, we are a unit and work together yet we can depend on the other to do his/her part in this unit independently. We are blessed to have an angel on earth, in the form of a daughter, who teaches everyday what is truly important. We are so blessed to have family and friends that continue to love and support us every single step along this very long journey. As far away from our family as we are, Jose and I do not feel alone...except for those emotional days (due to pregnancy) that I want to be held by my mom, we know that we will never be left alone, neither by our families or by our Father in Heaven or our Savior Jesus Christ!

We hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!!!!

Los Peña

9 months and more milestones

2009-10-31T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, here come the holidays! Tis the season for firsts. Today is Halloween and it is Eva's very first Halloween, we are so excited to put her costume on her. Eva is going to be the cutest Tinkerbell EVER!

Our little one is 9 months old and well we have 3 months to go for Eva's 1st birthday, can you believe it? Time certainly does fly, I know for us 1 year seemed like a lifetime away, but here its almost upon us and well we could not be more excited about it. Eva has had her ups and downs but no where near what I read other kids with HPE have. Sometimes I feel pressure like I'm supposed to have a ton of doctors for Eva, what am I doing wrong? Why does she only have a pediatrician? I guess I have to just step away sometimes and just focus on my family. It is hard to see that she has difficult days and well, we try to get through them and not try to "fix" her. Is that wrong? Anyway, please, these are just rhetorical questions, I really don't want opinions, I get them all the time especially unsolicited ones. HPE kids are so unique that even kids with the same exact severity of the disease are different and thats what I have to keep telling myself. There is literally no book on how to care for or even treat a child with HPE. In every state there is a different physician with a different opinion for care. Parents everywhere are doing the best they can. Eva does not and will not weight the same as any other baby her age, Eva will not develop the same as any "normal" child her age. My little mantra does help me see my daughter for who She is not for who every chart says she is. We have a wonderful pediatrician who is calm and assesses things with practicality. I really appreciate that, he looks at her and then he looks at the charts, and when he looks at her he says, "She is doing great!" And she is, we have our eating challenges but she looks healthy. Eva is in the 2 % of her age, she is way under weight and is now growing at a very slow pace but she looks great!

We already know that a feeding tube (other than the tube we put down her throat) is going to be with no doubt, needed. We are hoping to at least wait till her first birthday before getting evaluated. I do worry about doctors wanting to poke and prod her as if she was a project. So I'm careful not to take too much advice from doctors. She is a hard worker and I know that she is working hard to grow and eat. She has taken some "solids", applesauce, pudding and she is swallowing with no problem but it is a miniscule amount, nothing that would actually add calories to her diet. Mostly its to help her "remember" how to swallow, we do the same with her binky, it helps her "remember" how to suck. We add a little extra formula powder into her milk to help with calories as well, but we know that a feeding tube is pretty inevitable. We try to take every situation as it comes and try not to look too far ahead. I really learned that during my pregnancy, I wanted to know everything and how to do everything before I knew anything. I am learning that in some cases we need to plan ahead, way ahead but in others you just have to be patient. Eva is teaching us patience.

When we found out about Eva's condition, we had to let go of so many dreams. Big dreams and little dreams and we had to decide on new dreams for her. One of the most important things I wanted for my daughter is for her to be happy and to know that she was loved. Without a doubt, I know that Eva feels loved and is happy! She has satisfied every dream I could have ever had for her and for that I am so proud!

For all who love and appreciate my daughter, a big Thank You! For all of you that don't say, "wow, she is so small for her age", Thank You! For all of you that don't ask, "so when are you going to fix her cleft lip, you can repair it right?", Thank You! Thank you for loving her as Jose and I do, just the way she is!

A Brave Little Soul

2009-09-27T10:50:00.001-07:00

Our hospice team gave this wonderful little story to us. I would like to share it with you.

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

It's been a year

2009-09-26T08:16:00.001-07:00

I can't believe its been one year since we got our ultrasound and were told about Eva's condition. I am somewhat sentimental with dates, after all I am a woman...LOL! I mean we don't celebrate our 1st date or when he asked my mom for my hand etc.. However, I still have the 2008 calendar up in Eva's room with the "ultrasound" sticker on the date of our appointment, September 12th, I was 20 weeks and a day. Our families were all standing by to find out the sex of our little one, we were excited and anxious. We don't commemorate that date or anything but it certainly was the day that changed Jose and I forever. I just haven't been able to take it down yet.

I belong to a Yahoo group for Holoprosencephaly, it's a kind of support group. We, most of us newbies, have never met. But there is this clear sense of knowing each other, understanding each other, we worry with each other and celebrate milestones with each other. Just about every week/month there is a new member that just got a diagnosis for their baby of HPE. This month, those emails have taken me back to a year ago, I sounded just like them in my emails, looking for more answers than medical providers were giving us. There had to be more than what they were telling us. With every new member there is a repeat of the same story. I mean almost exactly. "Severe abnormalities, condition is not sustainable with life, termination is the most viable option" Although, some mothers state they haven't made the decision to terminate yet, I am of the strong belief that they have, they are seeking confirmation for what they feel, that there is more to their story. Although, Jose and I never considered termination, I know that is exactly what your instincts tell you. We are no longer in the time when the physician and his/her statements were the last word and thought. We can respectfully disagree and seek further answers and knowledge. With every new mother that comes into the group, I know that because they are seeking, they have a HoPE and a faith in them that they have yet to unlock. That's what these little babies do, they hold this key to unlock potential in us.

I look back and Jose and I were completely different people a year ago. We felt lost at times, vulnerable, like failures, we just couldn't wrap our brains around what was happening. Completely different from how we feel today! I mean we are only human and we still struggle, as I'm sure parenthood will do to anyone and we still don't know everything about tomorrow but boy are we HoPEful. Our path seems clearer everyday and our purpose more eternal. What I am confident we have figured out, is that the most important thing for us to do is never stop working at figuring it out...LOL!!

Most of our close friends and family have heard us say this, but here I am saying it out loud to the blogging world: "We want another baby, we want to have our family grow", Eva would make an amazing big sister and well we all know that Jose is a great example and well I'm a willing participant...lol! We've talked about it right after Eva was born that we wanted to try around the fall of '09 but I'll be honest as the time rolled closer it seemed a little scarier, a little crazier etc. So last month I totally thought I was pregnant and well it forced us to really see how we felt and thought about another baby, no longer in theory. Well, I currently am not pregnant but after last month we are more sure than ever that we want another baby. Eva has also confirmed that she has many pearls of wisdom to share with a little brother or sister!

What will next year bring?

Eva's shower

2009-09-21T12:27:00.001-07:00

First of all I want to recognize my wonderful big sister (and her hubby who has always worked as her side kick in party planning) Cata and my best friend Siovhan. While Siovhan was taking some time off of work to come to Tucson from Seattle, she also took time to help get Eva's shower together as well as hosting all the games for the party. I know that time is precious and my very busy friend, mother of 2 and a lawyer with a new practice took some of that precious time and dedicated to Eva and I, we are so grateful! Siovhan did not work alone, as a matter of fact she worked as the "assistant/co-party planner" to my amazing big sister, Cata! Words can not express how appreciative and grateful Jose and I are to my sister. Most of you that know my sister know how amazing she is, she is one of the greatest examples of a mother, wife, sister and daughter. She is too modest and will probably be embarrassed for what I'm saying and for what I'm about to say but...too bad big sis! This last January, my sister (who has a very demanding job and busy family life) along with my brother Gerry (who equally has a very demanding job and busy family life) came to be with Jose and I before Eva was born. They literally got here and got to work, they cleaned, and cooked and shopped and took advantage of every minute they were here before our Evita was born. My sister Cata worked so hard to make our home ready for Eva, not knowing if she was coming home with us or not, she worked diligently! Those days before Eva was born were hard. They were full of anticipation, fear, hope and joy. I have to admit, I'm not the greatest at showing some of my emotions but it helped to have my family here to cry on there shoulders and to share my desires for my daughter. My brother and my sister really took care of Jose and I, we literally did not have to lift a finger, I can't tell you what that meant to us! In true "Cata" fashion, she did the same with Eva's shower. I commented to her one day on the phone that I was so proud of Eva and her turning 6 months, how nice it would be to have a shower. And like that my sister said, I want to help...what Cata says, Cata does, she said, "I don't think you should throw yourself a shower". As ambitious as I could be, I knew I could not do this from Utah and with our limited resources. I can not tell you how demanding both Siovhan and Cata's lives are, they both are mothers and very dedicated mothers might I add, they work full-time in very demanding careers and are dedicated to extended family (considering that they are both the oldest daughters in there families). The shower was just beautiful and I couldn't have imagined anything better than it was.

I do want to say that I have two other sisters and two brothers as well and to quite honestly they are equally giving and supportive. I remember when I was younger, I hated my birth order, I felt (as I'm sure most middle children feel) kind of forgotten. Some of you may never believe this but I was the quieter child, I kind of kept out of the way and probably whined about how I was ignored...LOL! But I can tell you now that, I am so grateful for my birth order, it is through the experiences of my siblings that I am the person I am. That I understand things the way that I do and that I know the things that I know. Because of my sisters' and brothers', marriages, parenting and life management skills I have real life advisors. I was the only one that had not had children (and boy did I wait long enough for it!). So I spent a good part of my adult life, up to now, just observing all of them.

Anyway, back to the shower. It was so touching to see good friends, especially those we do not get to see often at all or enough. I saw family that I haven't seen in years and it meant so much to me that they could all meet Eva. My wonderful friend, Maribel, that I have known since 3rd grade, made Eva a beautiful book of pictures of the shower that she gave us the next day before we headed back to Utah. It was so great to be able to show these pictures to Jose when we got back. It was so thoughtful. To be honest I wish I could just name every single person that was there and how appreciative we were for you to be there with us. But, I am also grateful for everyone that couldn't come and that sent us well wishes. In reality I just can't leave anyone out, everyone that just thinks of us or has us in there prayers we are grateful for, it was icing on the cake to be in Tucson and visit with old friends and family. Everyone's generous nature was more than I could have ever expected. Because of our generous and loving family and friends we are able to get Eva everything she needs, its all hers. No more borrowed items (which we were equally grateful for) as a matter of fact, Eva will be the one to lend her stuff, hopefully to her future brothers and sisters. I know that we will cherish and care for all the items that we were able to purchase because of everyone's generosity.

On a side note: Our trip was interesting. Eva and I got into town on a Sunday evening, I was worn out and figured it was a long trip. We had dinner with my sister Cata, who made an amazing lasagna dinner. We hung out with my brother Gerry and Isaiah. I was not feeling good but figured again, that I was just tired from the trip. Well, it ended up I got the flu the whole week I was in Arizona. Eva and I were bed-ridden for the whole week. I didn't get to visit anyone or even leave the house until Friday night when I stopped by to my cousin's birthday party for about an hour and then went back home. My poor little Eva got a little sick too and congested. We felt better for the party but needed to still rest for our flight back to Utah. Can you believe it? I haven't been home for that long in a year and I was looking forward to my little girl seeing where momma grew up! Well maybe next time! When daddy picked us up from the airport and on our way back to Provo a tree on the freeway hit our car and smashed our hood and left a dent! What luck! Anyway, we missed Daddy so much and because we were not feeling well all week, hardly spoke to him via Skype. We are so happy to be home with Jose and to be a threesome again!

I have so much more updates about what's going on with us here in Provo...I'll be back!

Neuro Appointment

2009-08-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

This was Eva before her visit with the Neurologist up at Primary Children's Hospital!

Well, learning about Holoprosencephaly feels like a full-time job and my second job is learning about Alobar Holoprosencephaly! I joined the groups, I talk to so many parents and well sometimes my head is spinning. There is so much information, the problem is that every single child is so different. The common factor is the brain development, the thing that is different with each child is "the other problems", it could be digestive, sodium levels, diabetes, acid reflux, breathing, heart disease...the list goes on. Eva's is seizures. Eva has seizures all day long. She has tonic, clonic, tonic-clonic, galastic, partial, complex, silent, focal, she pretty much has a spectrum of seizures. As she turned 6 months I began to notice her seizure activity increase and some times they seemed stronger. Eva has not looked weak or like she is struggling. She seriously is handling it like a champ! She has a lot of her Abuelito Beto and Tio Beto in her; she just is a fighter and from what I can see she has a purpose and until her purpose is fulfilled she is not going anywhere. Although we do see how strong our daughter is, I do worry, I guess seizures can't be good or healthy. Hence, the request for a neurology consult.

Dr. James Bale...I loved him! He talked to me in an intelligent tone and level, but not over my head. He explained in detail her MRI her condition as he saw it and was very frank. I was so appreciative of someone who encouraged our learning as much as we could. I just didn't get this feeling from the specialist that I was dealing with when I was pregnant. Well we felt that what he had to say was good news!

Dr. Bale first of all explained to us that Eva actually does have a frontal lobe (we were previously told, prenatally and otherwise that she didn't). What this means is that she could very well be displaying emotion or consciously be reacting to things like kisses or tickling her feet!! We knew it!!! We just knew it!! It was so wonderful to here that we were not just making things up, we know our little one and we know she absolutely has a personality. Anyone that meets her can testify to that! We have good friends that have known Eva since she was born and they will sing to her and talk to her and I see her react!!!

One of my biggest concerns was that a doctor would medicate Eva for our sake and not hers. I'll explain...I know that it can wear a parent out to have a child that is so absolutely dependent on them or have special needs. I mean we all have heard jokes or made them ourselves about drugging a child to just keep them out of your hair. Although, I know most parents aren't serious about this, it does happen. I wanted to assure that Eva was being treated and not me or Jose, I wanted for her Dr. to know that I wanted my daughter just as she was, regardless of the obstacles. The second good news for us was that he was in agreement with us on this point exactly. He told us that he did not feel that the seizures were necessarily dangerous and that we could medicate with a seizure med (she is currently on Adivan/Lorazepam) or we could leave her on the same regiment she is on now. I guess it helped that I told him I understood that Eva would never be seizure free. We am not oblivious to that fact that our daughter's brain did not develop. It wasn't damaged or diseased it never developed. Because Jose and I understand what this means we don't expect a miracle drug to change who she is and frankly we know who she is and we can see her personality.

Now don't get me wrong, on my most difficult days I do want more. I want to hear her voice, I want to hear "Mamma" and "Pappa" some day. I want to see her crawl and walk and it hurts. But we do not let those days consume us. Jose and I talk about it and then we move on. Everyday we work to understand God's plan and everyday we thank Him for Eva and this family we have, Jose, Gabby, Eva and even Jeter. This is family is the most important thing in the world to me!

I discussed these things/feelings with the neurologist and I told him that we also were well aware of the circumstance we were in, he suggested a medication if we were interested and sent me home with information on it, Jose and I along with our hospice nurse, Margaret are coming to a decision. We will take things with Eva one day at a time! I am so grateful for the providers we had have thus far or since Eva was born. Jose and I have learned to pray for our physicians, we pray that they will have the wisdom, knowledge and humility to treat our daughter in the best possible manner.

To all that follow Eva and our little family, thank you for thinking of us! Thank you for loving Eva even from a far! I know she was meant to bless many lives not just Jose and I's, we will do our best to make sure as many people know Eva!

Jose M. Pena, M.D.????

2009-08-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Jose has been busy this summer with summer school and research, this is him in the lab working on one of his antioxidant projects...doesn't he look good in a white coat...LOL!!

This summer Jose has had the opportunity to work in a cancer research lab on campus, he feels so privilege to be working in this lab with a great professor and amazing labbies. The research he is doing compensates for having to take summer school classes...physics...ahhhhhh!!! He will be taking Princeton Review in January/February so he could take the MCAT in May. We have been so anxious to get to this point but at the same time it has been kind of nerve wrecking to think, in about a year we will know what medical school he got into and where our next move will be. Crazy!! Life goes by not by time but by series of events. I can pretty much look back at my life and I can go back to my early childhood tracing series of events! I love that!

I am so proud of my husband, he is intelligent, hardworking, generous, talented, caring and thoughtful! This path he chose is not an easy one, I admire him because he doesn't look for easy. Its funny, in choosing pre-med you have to remain confident that you will some day reach your goal of being a physician but you also have to remain open to never getting there. There are so many smart, talented individuals graduating college every year and applying to medical school. The competition is fierce, the tuition is expensive and the time you dedicate can threaten family relationships...why in the heck would you do it!?! Service...all for service. Not that I would compare anyone to the Savior I mean He was perfect but my husband tries to exemplify the Savior in his choices and I am so proud of him. He wants to serve, how could I not support him, how could I not stand by him. It fills my heart to know how hard he works, he doesn't complain or grip. (maybe some whining when it comes to anything chemistry, physics...LOL!) Sometimes I think...10 more years of school...oh my...I better really like student life. But Jose has given me more than anyone I have ever met, I'm happy! I have a husband who treats me like a queen and a daughter who is perfect and I have the knowledge that the family we form will be a forever family. He loves our Savior and because of that I know no matter what happens, no matter what path we stay on he will always be happy, we will always be happy. My husband is such a great example to me! I know that the trials we face now are preparing us to handle life later with a greater handle on problems. I love you Jose! I'm grateful for you! I am so happy to spend eternity with you!

BTW- I could get all mushy cause he never reads our blog...he's pre-med remember, if its not science he ain't going there! He would be soooo embarrassed! Ah...what's blogging for if not to proclaim to the world...Your Opinion!!

6 months...are you serious?!!?

2009-07-28T08:52:00.001-07:00

Well, our angel is 6 months old today! I had to, had to post today, I couldn't miss sharing how happy we are that Eva is 6 months old! I have otherwise been a slacker in the blogging department.

We have had a great summer thus far! I was worried about the summer, considering we don't have air conditioning and just a swamp cooler, the rooms do have fans but no vents for the cooler to hit the other rooms. Eva gets so hot and uncomfortable and the seizures just come and come and come. But I really think Eva has some help upstairs because it has been cool when we've wanted to go on outings and/or overcast when we've had to spend time outside for whatever reason. I have so many pictures to post and so much to share about our summer. We did Father's Day in Arizona, my cousin Ray with his very large family came out and they got to visit with Eva, my cousin Armando was in Provo with his family for Jr. Olympics Regionals and they got to meet Eva, my two nieces, Mireya and Yarelli came out to spend part of there summer with us and we had so much fun! Eva and I even made it out to Vegas...can you believe it!

Well, I will elaborate in another post but for now, Jose and I want to share how very grateful we are for our little angel. We are so grateful for how she has changed us, on how she continues to change us, we try to be the best us we can be so that we can be a forever family. I am so grateful for this time right now in our lives! I want to never forget what this feels like!

Heaven's Very Special Children

2009-06-13T01:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight (this morning...whatever time it is) I spent time searching on the web for Holoprosencephaly. It's been quite awhile since I've looked on the web for other parents, families that are dealing with this same condition, as well as any new information regarding this diagnosis. I had to stop looking, it can be an obsession if you let it, and spending time with my daughter has sort of taken precedence. Sometimes its good to just step away from the diagnosis and just enjoy the person. However, tonight, I was inspired, alarmed and touched at the other blogs I found (which you can check out here on my page, to the right of my posts). So many parents that received the same heart-wrenching news about their children and so many strong and positive stories about how they are dealing with pregnancy, delivery, saying hello and saying good-bye. In so many ways I feel so lucky to be in Our situation. I try to make our life as normal, as normal can be, sometimes it back fires on me. When Eva has a bad day or week, I guess I am again reminded of how not "normal" our situation is and how taxing it can be. Nonetheless, I try to keep the normality in our home as best as possible. Eva is approaching 5 months. Can you believe it? Before she was born, I spent time not setting up her nursery or having baby showers but planning her funeral. I had to stop, I just couldn't. I just didn't feel like that was what I needed to do. I was scared and nervous on the day she was born, but I knew with all of my heart that I would meet my baby girl and all that funeral planning needed to take a backseat. I still have "the planning" in the back of my mind. The planning to say good-bye and all the other details that go into it. I sincerely do not believe that her time is near, I may be naive but I know Eva will let me know when.

For now, she's eating, she's growing (not at the same rate as baby's her age) and we are living with our situation. She continues to have seizures on a daily, hourly basis. But Eva is strong and she is doing well with the hand dealt to her. I am so proud of her. She does not complain, she preserviers. Only she knows how much she can handle, we just comfort and love her through it.

I have to say, in reading about so many parents that have children with special needs I am amazed at how they perservier! They do not put limitations on their children, they give them opportunity and in return these little ones thrive, at times they don't even know they have limits. These are very special parents and very special children, truly inspirational!

I read this poem on someone else's blog and googled it, I have posted it here to share with all of you! It is a beautiful poem that I hope all of you will share with parents that you know care for a special needs child. Thank you all for your constant love and support, thank you for your thoughts and prayers! Although, we are far away from "home" please know that Jose, Eva, Jeter and I know how very NOT alone we are. Because of our church members, friends, neighbors etc...we are trying to lead the most "normal" life we can. And I am so grateful for all of you that aid us in accomplishing this difficult task.

HEAVEN'S VERY SPECIAL CHILD

A meeting was held quite far from Earth,

It was time again for another birth.

Said the angels to the Lord above-

"this special child will need much love.

Her progress may be very slow,

Accomplishments she may not show.

And she'll require extra care,

From the folks she meets down there.

She may not run or laugh or play,

Her thoughts may seem quite far away.

So many times she will be labeled,

different, helpless, and disabled.

So, let's be careful where she's sent.

We want her life to be content.

Please, Lord, find the parents who,

Will do a special job for you.

They will not realize right away,

The leading role they are asked to play.

But with this child sent from above,

Comes stronger faith, and richer love.

And soon they'll know the privilege given,

In caring for their gift from Heaven.

Their precious charge, so meek and mild,

Is HEAVEN'S VERY SPECIAL CHILD."

by Edna Massionilla

Dec, 1981

The Optomist - newsletter for PROUD

Parents Regional Outreach for Understanding Down's Inc.

The Binky, Pt 2

2009-05-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

I can't believe our little one is 4 months old today!! She is a blessing everyday she is with us. She is an amazing teacher of all things and yet so tiny. I love this little video, although it does not ring true for some of the days, it certainly does help to have reinforcements!

The Binky, pt 1

2009-05-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

You have to check out Binky, Pt 1 and then Binky, Pt 2! She is so cute and she loves her Binky, it is mom's friend!

My special poem!!

2009-05-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are very different. Sometimes I think wow, I have a lot of training to give this man! And somedays I am reminded wow...he has a lot of training to give this woman! Today is Mother's Day and true to the wonderful, thoughtful man he is he gave me this:

I know I say you're beautiful

For me it's plain to see

That my life was completely changed

the day you came to me

Your beauty comes from deep within

a fire burns inside

a kind and gentle loving heart

you're outside just can't hide

You're sweeter than a tulip's scent

you're smarter than can be

You care so much for those around,

no one can disagree

I want to be a better man,

I want to learn to love-

the way you love Eva and I

and our Father up above.

I'm proud to say I married you,

I' proud to say I'm yours,

I'm proud that you do love me so,

my heart so overflows.

We have so much ahead of us,

much to look forward to,

though challenges await us, dear,

I'm glad they'll be with you.

So please accept these few kind words

I mean them every one.

Today I am reminded of the love that exists between a husband and a wife. Motherhood has brought me great joy but I could not have done it, I could not do it without the constant support of my husband. I am grateful that he is the kind of man who is a leader, a hard worker and who is generous and tender. I am looking forward to many more Mother's Days as the mother of his children.

Thank you for allowing me to share this....

Happy Birthday Susan Turley and The Joys of Parenting!!

2009-05-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today is our friends Susan's birthday. Susan would have been 26 years old today. I have written about Susan in past posts, she was amazing and is inspiring! She was the true definition of a Christian, she was loving and inclusive of everyone, she was happy and friendly, energetic and fun, she was faithful and true. I guess I look at her life and I think of her parents and what a great job they did. They were true to their faith and they were constant good examples to their children. This is the parent I want to be. I think of Eva and regardless of how short her life will be, she still needs good examples. She needs examples of hard work, of honesty, of charity and service. We can't just tell our children what we want them to be, WE must be the examples they turn to. We can not ask them to work hard and not show them what hard work is, we can not tell them to be forgiving and loving and not forgive or love. We can not ask them to choose the right when we don't.

Parenting has been my greatest challenge and (up to now...that's my disclaimer) the greatest experience of my life. I'm not sure what it is about children but it makes you love your spouse more, it makes you have more conviction (or at least work harder at it), it makes you want to be better! If I had only known what being a parent was all about I would have done this sooner...LOL! Well, the Lord knows each and every one of us and he knows when our time is and when our time is not to parent! I think its a matter of us believing that and that he truly knows best. I know parenting can be hard, challenging and for some lonely. But I also know that we are never alone, that a loving, caring, merciful Heavenly Father watches over us as we parent. I know that, when we ask and listen, he guides us with His loving hand to make the right decisions. But, we have to ask and we have to listen! This in itself can be the most challenging part of parenting. I know that I have not met all the challenges that some of you parents have and that we all experience different parts of being a parent to a particular child, but I know that when the decisions we make are in the best interest of our children they are good decisions and that makes you a good parent! And better yet when we include our Heavenly Father in these decision we are much more clear on the answer.

Happy Mother's Day to the Mom's that are mom's and the Dad's that are mom's and to the mom' s that are not yet mom's!

2009-04-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

So our little one is 12 weeks today! How exciting, I can honestly tell you that 3 months seemed like centuries away. Eva is amazing!

The weather is finally looking up, yes it snowed here like last week!! We love our walks as well as mommy needing to get back into to shape for baby #2! No we are not pregnant but we would love to be by the end of the year or the beginning of 2010! Hey we believe Eva needs a little brother or sister to admire her.

So much has been going on, hence me not blogging for awhile. Well, Jose got a full tuition scholarship for Spring/Summer term, it came out of the blue--it seemed--and was an answer to our prayers! He will be able to make up some of the classes that he dropped during winter semester. He is also starting mentored research this semester and is so excited and nervous all at the same time. He has gotten some great responses from professors and so far has chosen one of the more challenging labs to do research but also the one that has the best reputation, its the cancer research lab on campus. Some say it is one of the surest ways to get into medical school--ha, who knows. Eva, Jose and I have enjoyed this "break" from school. We have taken soooooo many pictures of us and we have gone exploring in Provo. This is Jose's last week free from school, work and work...haha. We are trying to make the most out of it, we have just totally focused on our little family. We know that we will need this time and these experiences to get us through the more difficult times to come. He knows that committing to school and this mentored research we will not see him very much. Eva and I will be ok, though. I am so proud of Jose! I have albums on Facebook with pictures, I'm not that experienced with blogging.

Last night we had the best FHE (Family Home Evening), we talked about goals and how fortunate we are to belong to a church that values goal setting and progression. How we have prophets that counsel us to always look to make goals and to always find ways to progress and grow. It was a great FHE! So one of our goals in honor of Earth Day, we are going to be cleaner in our home and with our bodies. Jose and I and our friends Matt and Mele, are going to run the Provo River 1/2 marathon!!!! How fun is that! We have made weekly goals both for our physical and spiritual growth. You just can't have one with out the other! The race is in August and we have about 14 weeks to GET FIT! We both are kind of pumped about it, I hope we can stay pumped and that we can keep each other motivated.

Eva had a rough couple of weeks. There was a lot of activity in our house. When she gets irritated, she has an increase in seizures it takes a lot out of her and it almost seemed like she was just so tired of fighting. However, that next week we just chilled and we were back on Eva time and she actually slept A LOT. Well come that Friday her nurse, Margaret came to see her and she said she was looking good and that she was surprised how much better she was from the last visit. Eva is quite the little fighter! I have to admit it sometimes gets to me that my little one (medically speaking) has no cognitive thinking, no emotions, no real understanding or reasoning because of the part of the brain that she is missing. However, I am a Latter-Day Saint and of course, I know better. I know that her spirit knows me and knows how much her daddy and I love her! I feel as though Eva is the one taking care of Jose and I, she is so wise to what we need and for right now we do need her. I do pray that when the time comes we are able to set her free with out complaint. Maybe some crying and heartache, definitely but with the understanding of the Lord's greater plan for her and us. I can not even imagine what the Savior's mother felt to know what her son's charge in this life was to be. To love Him, to raise Him and then to watch Him be tortured and die a physical death. She is such an example to me of selflessness and love!

Angel Watch needs all of our help!

2009-04-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

We need your help, Angel watch needs your help!

In past blogs I have talked about Angel Watch. Just a recap, Angel Watch was the program that works with Intermountain Healthcare, they provide support and counseling for families that have received diagnosis similar to the one we received with Eva. The terminal diagnosis.

Angel Watch prepared us prenatally, not only with support and counseling but also with practical information on how to handle any outcome before and after delivery. They were supportive of us, no matter our decision. It was easy to want Eva, to not terminate the pregnancy. It was not easy to go through all of the motions. Angel Watch was essential in helping me sort out my feelings, on how to deal with family members that, although meant well, didn't really know how to "deal" with us. They helped us with difficult things like finding a mortuary, a funeral home. How to plan for the best delivery if our baby was stillborn. They did this all in the most thoughtful and respectful manner.

I think back to September 12th, the day we received our diagnosis; Jose and I were numb. The only thing we knew was that we wanted that little girl but the rest we had no clue how we were going to do it, the rest of the pregnancy etc... I know the Lord puts others in our lives to work on his behalf. Angel Watch was just that, they are Angels that are watching over us! I could not imagine any family, couple having received the news that their baby might not be born and if born, might live hours, days, weeks or months. The love, support and counsel that we received was what prepared me for now, for today. It prepared me to be the best mom I could be to Eva, to enjoy her, to make memories everyday with her, even prenatally!

Well, Angel Watch is run almost entirely by donations and they need your help to keep this program going for next year! This is how you can help!

Pam Hansen, who is the author of a book, Running with Angels is co-sponsoring a 5K Run/Walk on May 16, 2009 along with the help of Intermountain - Utah Valley Regional Medical Center (Where Eva was born). It is at 8:00 AM at Thanksgiving Point, in Lehi, UT. Registration is until 7:30 AM. This year, she has designated that all of the proceeds of the race are to go to Angel Watch to support the program in the Utah South area, with any special donations going to to our statewide program! It would be so wonderful if you were in the Utah area or wish to come to Utah and run or walk in this 5K and help support Angel Watch! If you are not in the area but want to help support this amazing program please, please consider donating money.

If you wish to donate, here is how you can do it: go to www.mckay-deefoundation.org and then click on ways to give and you'll see the donate online button.

9 weeks old

2009-03-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

Eva is 9 weeks on Wednesday, April 1....no joke! We are so proud of her, she has definitely been a strong girl and a fighter; daddy and I have been fighting right along with her. I see this strong spirit in her, she wants and needs to be here! Although I know Eva's prognosis, and that she won't have a long life still, this little one has a purpose and since we are in week 9 and we were told that most likely she would not make it to 2 months, I know that she has some work to do. She looks great but I also know how quickly things can turn so we celebrate each day and at the end of the week, each week and hopefully at the end of this next month one more month. Jose and I do have to work on being ok with whenever Heavenly Father calls her home, I have to admit that I pray each day to really mean that, to really be ok, to have faith that Heavenly Father's plan includes us being together as a family forever.

We celebrated her 2 month birthday on Saturday the 28th and her daddy made her a b-day cake--from scratch and it was awesome! We got to celebrate with some family from Tucson as well as with some very good friends of ours and that was a blessing!

Bendiciones!

2009-03-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

Bendito el lugar, y el motivo de estar ahí,
Bendita la coincidencia,
Bendito el reloj, que nos puso puntual ahí,
Bendita sea tu, presencia.

Bendito Dios por encontrarnos, en el camino,
Y de quitarme esta soledad, de mi destino.

Bendita la luz, bendita la luz de tu mirada,
Bendita la luz, bendita la luz de tu mirada,
Desde el alma.

Bendito ojos, que me esquivaban,
Simulaban desde que me ignoraban,
Y de repente, sostienes la mirada.

Gloria divina, diste suerte de buen tino,
Y de encontrarte justo ahí, en medio del camino,
Gloria al cielo de encontrarte ahora,
Llevarte mi soledad, y coincidir en mi destino,
En el mismo destino.

These are song lyrics by MANA, Bendita tu Luz. The song is about blessings and has been Jose and I's song from the beginning of our relationship. It actually is my ringtone for him. I like to think of everything and everyone as a blessing. I know we feel different, I know we are different since the moment Eva came into our lives and it has taken our trials to see our blessings. The love and prayers we feel from friends and family has lifted us, I don't think we could ever be as strong as we feel right now with out them. You all make us stronger and better.

There have been incredible people in our lives, some have always been there and some just kind of popped in and have surprised us. One such person is Susan Keller, she is a friend from our church. She has been absolutely amazing to us, she loves and cares for Jose and I but more importantly she loves and cares for our Eva. I can tell how much Eva enjoys her visits. No matter Eva's mood I can see her calm in Susan's arms. Susan has been a savior so many times to us when we just needed some time alone, Jose and I. We have felt comfortable and secure leaving our little girl in the care of someone that genuinely loves her. Susan is not a relative or long time friend, she has no obligation to us but she treats us like family and we love her. She has been always thoughtful of us. Recently Susan via her friend got us in touch with a photographer James Strayer, another generous person. James, his wife Susan and their 7 week old baby boy came to our home and took beautiful pictures of Eva and of our little family. He was so great with Eva, with us! I am horrible at taking pictures, but James was able to put us at ease about taking pictures and just enjoy being a family. He is a professional and takes beautiful pictures of babies and families. I think you can see the love in his pictures.

Aside from numerous friends and family that have also been essential in our getting through this situation, these two individuals, Susan on a day to day basis and James Strayer with the sharing of his time and talent have allowed us to truly enjoy creating the memories of this moment. We are grateful for all there generosity. We are truly blessed with so many that have kept us in their prayers, that have told us how much they love Eva, even though they have not met her. Ok...I'm going to sound corny... but your love makes all the difference to how we have made it this far, I know that love is real. I know that love can change people and situations. I know that love can heal. Jose and I know that we have more difficult times ahead but right now I feel we will get through it and that we are not alone. It makes me feel so good to know that we can share our little girl with all of you, that we won't be alone in remembering Eva when she is called home. Thank You!

James is a photographer here in the Utah Valley, www.jamesstrayer.com.

Blessings!!!!!

2009-03-28T05:04:00.001-07:00

Reality Check

2009-03-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

I guess life is just that all about the reality check. Jose and I got one earlier this week in regards to Eva and her condition. Being with her on a daily basis I can forget that she was given this terminal diagnosis. Maybe its that I want to forget that time is limited with her in this life. Last weekend Eva had a really tough time, she had an increase in seizures and fevers. Some of her seizures even seemed a bit more violent, but they were non-stop, that meant non-stop sleepless nights for her. She was so weak afterward and just not all there, her breathing was more shallow and she looked lethargic . Her hospice nurse came to see her and told us that Eva's breathing pattern had changed and that was not a good sign. She told us that it was a possible pattern of deterioration. Again, Jose and I were sent back into our reality of how fragile her life is. Don't get me wrong, our daughter is not "fragile", she is a tough little girl. She is a fighter, hey she takes after her mom! It is so hard to see your little one go through that, I didn't sleep for four nights, if she wasn't sleeping neither was I. Margaret, our nurse told us that she could have only a week left. Margaret also told us babies make liars out of doctors all the time and that she hoped Eva would make a liar out of her. We increased her comfort medications and well, we discussed it with our families and Jose and I had the very uncomfortable conversation about, "what will we do, when 'IT' happens. It was a rough beginning of the week.

Well the week is not totally over, but Eva has seemed to respond positively to her medication and she has gotten well needed rest. Consequently, she seems her former self, strong and beautiful. She has been sleeping well with the minimum seizure activity, for her any way. I stare at her when she sleeps. Is it possible to love someone this much? I just want to be grateful for having this long. I know we will be sad when she's gone but I genuinely want to think of her and feel happy, not pain. Is that possible? Is that achievable when you lose a child? Well, here more pictures of our little one from this last week. She is amazing!! I wish all of you could get to hold her, I hope the pictures are of consolation.

Love Los Pena

First Blogger Entry

2009-03-17T16:59:00.001-07:00

2009
Tuesday, March 17
1:33:40 PM

Ok, So this is my first entry for our blog. I have to just say that Gabby has done an incredible job at keeping everything updated with what has been going on in our lives, especially with Eva. I am so grateful for everything that Gabby is for me and our little family. She is everything that I could have ever asked for in a wife. She constantly challenges me to do better and to try even harder to be the best person that I can be and I am really thankful that she does that. Gabby has been telling me for a long time that I have been needing to write something here in order to express myself and let others know what I am feeling and what I am thinking personally about everything that has happened to us. I have to admit that it can often be very difficult for me to do that. I guess I really feel that I have the responsibility as her husband to be strong and not let my emotions show too much in order for her to see that I am someone that she can rely on for strength. I know that this is true, but I also am coming to realize that, as she has told me time and time again, I need to have some sort of way of expressing myself so that the things that I am going through don't end up being bottled. up inside.
So here I am. I have to admit that I am finding it a little hard to figure out what to write. I guess I'll start with my feelings for Eva. When Gabby and I first heard Eva's the diagnosis, I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel, so I think I just reverted to my "be strong" feelings and tried to comfort Gabby to the best of my ability. My mind, however, was buzzing. I didn't know exactly what it would mean to us to know that our daughter was suffering from a rare birth defect, but I knew that this would be a trying experience. From that day, this experience has proven to be one of the most difficult that I have yet had to endure, and even so, I am grateful for what we have gone through. I know that Eva was sent to us for a reason. I know that she has a specific purpose here on the earth. I know that she chose to be with us and to go through everything that she is going through. Neither Gabby nor I are sure of the reasons for what are happening, but we both have grown confident (through earnest prayer and fasting) that things are now in our lives the way that they are meant to be.
In an effort to make up for all of the posting that I haven't done, I have decided to include the Lullaby that I wrote for Eva for this last Christmas. I'll try to get the audio onto the blog if I ever figure it out.

Lyrics to Eva's Lulliby

Eva, my angel, oh dear sweet kind child
Hear me, my dear child, I want you to smile.

Little one, precious one
This song's for you
Eva my angel,
please know I love you.

One day, long ago,
your mom and I met.
We loved each other
and so we were wed.

Little one, precious one,
we prayed for you,
Eva our angel,
now know we love you.

Time has now shown us
that life can be sweet.
Even when we face
some days tough to beat.

Little one, precious one,
you make us smile
thank you our angel
we know life's worthwhile.

REPEAT CHORUS

Little one, precious one
This song's for you
Eva my angel,
please know I love you.

Milestones...1 month going on 2 months!

2009-03-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

We all have goals, milestones that we wish to reach in our lives. They can be personal milestones, professional milestones. As parents, I've found, you not only have milestones you wish to reach for yourself but you have them for your children. I'll have to admit that previous to 9.12.08, the day we received Eva's diagnosis, I too had dreams for my little one, milestones I wished for her to reach, graduation, marriage, to be a parent. I can tell you that Jose and I mourned for those dreams but we didn't mourn for long. The Lord finds His way into your heart and comforts you. He comforted us, our dreams and hopes changed for Eva and she has made us so proud. We wished that she would be happy that we would be able to meet her, to hold her and to feel her warm face against ours. Although, I know I may never see her graduate, or get married or be a mother, she has fulfilled every wish we could have for her. She has reached some of her milestones and more!

On January 28th we got to meet our baby girl, her daddy got to hold her; on January 30th I got to hold her. A week later we got to bring our brave girl home with us and 3 weeks after that she celebrated her 1 month b-day and Abuelita Luz got to hold her as well!

This week Eva is 7 weeks old. We are so proud of her and so grateful to have her for as long as we have. Jose and I have held her, kissed her and comforted her and we know she is happy to be with us. She has fulfilled every wish we have for her. Everyday from here on out is a blessing, a gift, one day extra that we hadn't expected. She has helped us understand to never take anything or experience for granted. We love you Eva!

Slideshow!!!

2009-03-07T15:13:00.001-07:00

Holoprosencephaly

2009-03-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

Well I thought I would take the time to clear up some questions about Eva’s condition, Holoprosencephaly or HPE.

Recently my sister-in-law, who is on a mission, wrote and asked me very basic questions about Eva and her condition and how it affects us caring for her, and I thought maybe others have the same questions. So I’ll start from her beginning outside the womb and what we learned about caring for her.

Eva was born on 1/28/2009 at UVRMC here in Provo. She weighed a very healthy 7lbs 8oz and measured 18inches long. She was born with a cleft lip (no cleft pallate) and a flattened nose with a single nostril, she has relatively close set eyes; these are facial indicators of Alobar Holoprosencephaly. Alobar is the most severe of the defect and is considered terminal. She however, was born with healthy lungs, heart and other organs. She feeds through a feeding tube that goes down her throat to her stomache; she does have the feeding tube in pretty much all the time except for during baths and she occasionlly pulls it out. Due to her condition Eva has a problem regulating her body tempature so she does get fevers frequently. She also gets seizures on a daily basis, we don’t quite know if they are directly related to the fevers or if they are independent. We do give her medication to help with the fevers and we have some medication that we give her to help calm her during her seizures. Now in regards to her seizures, they are frequent and not exactly like one an adult would experience. She does throw her head back and her body stiffens but she doesn’t go into violent body shaking. She does, however, have involutary body movement that looks like what some one with a tick or terets might have.

Her baby side: she has regularly feedings, every 3 hours. She has regular bowel movements and dirtys on an average about 10-12 diapers a day. She has little baby fits and she fusses just like a newborn. Eva hates, I mean hates a dirty diaper. Because she does a lot of breathing through her mouth and in conjunction with her cleft lip, she gets dry mouth and nose and so we use saline drops to help give her some moisture in her nose and we have some swabs to moisten her mouth. She still is adjusting to day and night, some days she’s great and gets up during the day and will have good nights of sleep but sometimes she is up for a good portion of the night and well mommy or daddy are right there with her. She is gaining weight on average; she is growing in length on average. Her head is growing at a slower pace then other babies but that seems to be related to the condition. She seems for the time being to know our voices and recognize us when we are near her, she will turn to the sound of our voice.

By all means we were given a normal child with a special condition. As each week presses on we see her grow, we do see a bit of her personality. However, as the seizures start to become more frequent things may change and we may begin to see less and less of that personalilty, it is something our hospice nurse has warned us about. It does make me sad to think, she may get to the point of not knowing who we are, but Jose and I have great faith that in our reunion later in eternity that she will no doubt know us!

Caring for her is, I believe, not unlike caring for any other newborn. We have some extras but it seems that even those who have children with no special condition, have some extra things. Sometimes it’s because of their lifestyle or personal situation. Jose and I are very fortunate to have so much support, in regards to Eva and her condition, our nurse, Margaret, our social worker Dave, they all gently guide us along our way, with encouragement and love. It just makes us feel like we are doing the right things for our baby.

Los Pena

And I digress...and Thank you!!

2009-02-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

So it has been awhile since I have written on our blog, I guess I couldn’t really get all of my thoughts together.

As most of you know if you’ve been keeping up with our blog, our baby Eva was diagnosed in utero with a brain defect called holoprosencephaly it is a terminal defect. Well still, up to our due date, were not given the best news on Eva’s condition. However, Eva herself was doing fantastically. She was and is a little fighter...she’s a Diaz all right! Stubbornness, an affliction my brother claims affects only the Diaz women. Well, I am grateful for that little fighter in Eva. True to her nature she came out screaming. I was totally out of it considering I was super drugged up while they were performing the c-section, I could hear my daughter’s cries as the doctor pulled her out and suctioned her. It was the most emotional and amazing moment of my life to know that she was alive and really kicking. Soon after her daddy brought her over to me, she had to go to the NICU, she stayed there for a week and a half.

Side note: I cannot say enough about how wonderful the nurses in the NICU are and about how they treated Eva and us. They made us feel as though we were leaving our daughter with family. Which was extremely important considering I needed to do some recovering from my c-section and couldn’t be with her every waking moment and her poor daddy tried to care for both of his girls. I’m a lucky woman!!

We were very excited and for a moment completely forgot about Eva’s condition. That is not until the test results came back and we had to meet with the doctors. Jose and I were brought back to reality. They told us that they were able to confirm her prognosis and that it had not changed. They told us that our little one did not have long to live and that we should take her home as soon as we could so that we could start making memories with her. Unfortunately they could not give us much more in answers, they could not tell us how long exactly Eva had, or the method in which she would die. “Just take her home and comfort and love her”. I cannot tell you the emotions that ran through both of us. We had to face this news once before about 5 months prior and it was not any less potent 5 months later. We, however, had family by our side this time. Together with our family we have felt the burden of these feelings lessened. Although we have strong emotions on occasion about our situation, we do not feel alone. Jose and I are also very faithful, faithful and trusting in our Heavenly Father’s plan of salvation. In particular our faith is put to the test here, Jose and I made covenants when we married in the Temple of our Lord, we made promises and the Lord made promises to us. We are now tested on whether we truly believe in the promises made to us and whether we are faithful to keeping the promises we made. Our faith and trust in God is what keeps us hopeful, hopeful that whether we will see our daughter grow up in this life or not, we will be with her in eternity. Family, Friends, this is something we constantly work on; we work to fill our spiritual reserves, in order to call on them during our most difficult times. We work together and we share in our faith of God’s plan and that has been our saving grace. I can tell you that I know we do not do this alone. We are so grateful for our family, for our loving friends. We are so grateful for the messages on Facebook, on this blog and from all of you that think of us and pray for us. We know that Heavenly Father is loving and merciful and has given us loving friends and family in order to get through this trial. We are given the best support system here in Utah as well. Eva is on pediatric homecare, they are amazing, we have medical support, a nurse Margaret, medical supplies, and we have a social worker and a Chaplin that checks in on us. As well as Angel Watch, for most of you that have read previous blogs you know Angel Watch and Carolynn have been with us since diagnosis. Jose and I love you and we miss the comforts of home but we know that our little one is being given the best care possible here. We thank you, Thank you Thank you again for all of your support and love. We want to share Eva with as many people as we can, we want to help Eva fulfill her purpose in this life, isn’t that what all parents are charged with? Helping their children fulfill their purpose in this life!

We love you,

Los Peña

Welcome Home Baby!!

2009-02-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

OK, yes I’m very bad. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I have blogged. So much has happened since December 13^th. Well Christmas of course, our anniversary and New Year’s as well. But the most significant event was the arrival of our anticipated family member. Ms. Eva Isabel Pena was born January 28^th at 8:34pm via a very unplanned C-section, she weighed 7lbs 8oz and was 18 inches long and packing quite the hairdo! That’s my girl!!

Happy Thanksgiving...End of another Semester...Merry Christmas...Susan Mortensen Turley!!!!

2008-12-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

So I have been a slacker. I promised to post more often and well, I need to work on keeping my promises. Well, we got to spend our Thanksgiving in Arizona with our family, although it was short, it was so much fun. The weather was amazing! The food was fantastic! The family was just what we needed! Its weird when we are in Arizona it just feels so comfortable and familiar and this trip I heard my husband say something he never says, “...I think I miss Arizona” But as we left and got closer to Provo, it really felt like, “Ok, I just can't wait to get home and into my bed!” I think it made me realize that home is where your family is, our family is in Arizona but now it is in Utah as well. Jose, Jeter, Eva and I we are a little family! Is that a crazy revelation or what! I mean we are coming to our 1st year wedding anniversary, I guess I should figure out by now that home is Jose!

Coming home from Arizona and having to deal with the end of the semester has a duality of feeling. Happy that it is almost over and to be done (for Jose) with those class and Anxiety that the end is here and he had so much to catch up on. This semester has been challenging and difficult. There is so much pressure placed on pre-med students. Not just with classes but with extra-curricular activities, such as working on talents and service and how you will look on your applications. The competition is fierce and well it will be for sometime. I mean there is no real end in sight and sometimes it feels like so much. Jose is not really one of those cut throat people that only thinks of himself and how he could get ahead. I know this is what will make him a wonderful physician one day, but it will be his challenge as we deal with other cut throat individuals in this field. Pray for us that we may always keep the best perspective.

So upon us is the Christmas season. To be quite honest I was never really fond of the season, not necessarily the Savior's birth and what Christmas is, but what others have made it to be. The demanding of a particular gift, at times children insistent that they “need” to receive a particular gift. People counting gifts and making sure that they have the most gifts. It just breaks and saddens my heart. I guess this is what made me stress out during this season. Thank goodness, I have ALWAYS had my family, so in reality I have never lacked for anything. This year the sentiment rings more true than ever. I have my family in Arizona and those friends that are like family spread all over. But this year I have so much more, I have MY family, what an amazing gift this has been for me. Jose my forever friend, Jeter our most loyal companion and Eva our gift from God. I don't know exactly what the New Year will bring but I know what this holiday will bring and we are going to start our own family traditions. It will be a humble Christmas, so to speak, no “gifts” but I know it will be the best. We have fun activities planned and lots of treats for us...chocolate abuelita, winters snow, christmas movies, christmas cookies, christmas lights and decorating. We are grateful for Skype as we know it will bring us closer to our family that is so far away!

As some of you might know a friend of ours recently passed away after a short and difficult battle with cancer, she was only 25 years old. She has been a great source of inspiration for me and I hope to share some of her with you, that she maybe a source of inspiration to you as well. Her name is Susan Mortensen Turley, she was just married earlier this year, she would have celebrated her 1st year wedding anniversary this January. I wanted to share some of the talk her father gave at her service last week. Jose and I could not be there due the fact that it was in Tempe but her family was generous to share with everyone else the spirit that was in that chapel that day. Here is some of what her father talked about. Please read it and ponder, the Love that our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ has for us and feel his spirit testify that to you! Con Amor! Los Pena

...As a part of our life here on earth, we will make mistakes, we will make choices contrary to God’s commandments. We know from biblical prophets that no unclean thing can enter back into God’s presence. In order that we might be clean, God sent His Son, Jesus Christ to teach us how to live, and to atone for our sins so that justice and mercy might have equal sway in our eternal judgment. God’s promise to us is that if we follow Christ’s way and live in the way that He directs us through His Light, the Holy Spirit, His teachings, and those called under His authority, that we will be clean through Christ’s atonement. At the end of our mortal lives, we can return to live with God, our Heavenly Father and continue to learn from Him and grow. From Faith, comes action. From an early age, Susan understood this concept. She understood that if we live by faith in God, that all would be eternally well and good. As she said in her last message posted on her blog – “I have learned that a lot of things in life just don't go the way we plan. This is by no fault of our own.” As we exercise our faith in God, His perfect eternal vision and perfect care for us will deliver us home to Him. On the earth, when God impacts our lives, whether directly or through another person, our responsibility is to act or change, to not be the same person. We are here today in remembrance of Susan’s life. Having the privilege of knowing her for all of her 25 years, I believe that one thing she would want us to do is to make changes in our lives that reflect her legacy. Let me relate an experience that illustrates that. The day before she died, I was privileged to listen to the last telephone conversation she had. She wanted to speak with a dear friend. She was weak, unable to speak above a whisper, but as this friend started to end the call, she said, “Don’t hang up, I need to tell you one more thing. Never forget who you are. Always remember the things that we talked about.”

That is our challenge – Don’t hang up on Susan. The reason you are here is because you loved her and want to remember her. Her impact on your life needs to include this knowledge. Never forget that we are indeed God’s children, that His way is the best way, and that when He acts in our lives, our responsibility is to respond in faith, love and joy to His actions. If that means change our habits, we should change our habits. If that means to go to church, we should go to church. If that means to be kinder, gentler, more loving in our family, we should do that. If that means that we stop telling God what He should do, and instead be faithful in accepting what He is teaching us, we should do that.

In time, the intensity that we feel at Susan’s passing may fade. It is natural, our lives are busy, we move on. The intensity will return when a picture jogs our memory, or when a thought comes to our mind. Perhaps tears will come at that moment. However, what should not fade from our lives is the change to our very souls that we feel at this moment. What should not change is the impact of the Holy Spirit that you feel right now, this very moment. The action that you should take is to cement the changes to your soul that God is prompting you to do right now. Because you don’t understand everything, you may hesitate. I urge you to take the action of committing to yourself to move forward in faith and diligence. Because He has perfect, eternal vision, God will answer all of our faithful prayers, not always in the way that we wanted, but in the way that will best help us to achieve our eternal potential. All of us prayed for Susan’s health and recovery from cancer. Instead of the removal of her cancer, God answered our prayers for her with by increasing her understanding, with the giving her the ability to bear the pain, with greater strength for her to carry on and endure in faith to the end. He healed her eternal soul. As the apostle Paul said,

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure …, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, …
For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

I love this verse in the book of Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God….”

Christ said, “I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst”… and He also said through the prophet Isaiah,

18 And therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the Lord is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him.
9 … weep no more: he will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee.
0 And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, … thine eyes shall see thy teachers:
1 And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.

Susan and all of us hoped and prayed for her freedom from cancer. Through the grace of God, Susan found freedom and teaching above the everyday, above the mundane, leading to eternity. Our task is to do likewise, with whatever opportunity God places in our path, to follow the promptings that He sends to us, to learn for ourselves, and experience that joy described so often by those of faith in Christ.

Listen to the words of faith, diligence and action from Jeffrey R. Holland

…the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.

If we constantly focus only on the stones in our mortal path, we will almost surely miss the beautiful flower or cool stream provided by the loving Father who outlined our journey. Each day can bring more joy than sorrow when our mortal and spiritual eyes are open to God’s goodness. Joy in the gospel is not something that begins only in the next life. It is our privilege now, this very day. We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. There will always be more blessings than burdens—even if some days it doesn’t seem so. Jesus said, ‘I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.’ Enjoy those blessings right now. They are yours and always will be.” I testify that God, our Heavenly Father, lives. I know that He sent His Son to teach us God’s way, to atone for our sins, and to enable our own resurrection, just as He was resurrected. Of the truth of these things, I testify, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Eva's first photo op - Jose's Birthday!

2008-11-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

Friday we had the most amazing experience! Some wonderful, anonymous person and quite inspired I might add, bought us an ultrasound appointment with a place in Salt Lake called Fetal Foto's. What they do is take 2-D, 3-D and 4-D photos prenatally, its like a prenatal photo session. We were able to see our baby Eva. At first she was uncooperative and not wanting to show us her face, just her back. But it seemed the ultrasound tech had some tricks up her sleeve and got Eva to move. There in started the photo session. She was beautiful, here are only a few pictures. They gave us a disc with 52 pictures on it, a DVD with the whole session on it and 22 pictures for us to see right away. These that I posted are one 2-D where she is sticking her tongue out and a 3-D where she has her little hands folded in front of her. You can see her whole face and nose and lips.

It was the most amazing experience. We still don't know who the generous friend was but it was the most wonderful thing to see our baby. These may be one of many pictures or photo sessions we get of Eva even after she is born or the only photo session we will get. Either way, it is amazing to now have a photo album of our baby! She did so many cute things, she was grabbing her toes, the umbilical cord, she was opening her mouth to swallow and she was playing with her lip with her tongue. She even yawned during the session, apparently it was running to long for my princess. You could see her little cleft in her lip, I think when she stuck her tongue out she was playing with her cleft!

At first we did not know what to expect or what we would feel like in seeing her. But once we got to see her move and boy did she move, it just felt like "...that's our baby and she's perfect" I was overcome with emotion. We came home that night and watched the ultrasound DVD again. We are so excited to be home for Thanksgiving and sharing these pictures and the ultrasound DVD with everyone!

We love you all. Words could not express the gratitude we feel for this opportunity to see and enjoy Eva this way. Thank you to you who so generously gave to us. Please know that this gift will not be forgotten nor will we take for granted your generosity. Jose and I look forward to the day when we will be able to "pay it forward".

Happy Birthday Jose (Daddy)!!!

Con Amor - Los Pena

Ushering in a new Era

2008-11-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

I’m not a real Michael Moore fan; he has always been a bit too liberal for my blood but to quote him…

“We really don't have much time. There is big work to do. But this is the week for all of us to revel in this great moment. Be humble about it. Do not treat the Republicans in your life the way they have treated you the past eight years. Show them the grace and goodness that Barack Obama exuded throughout the campaign. Though called every name in the book, he refused to lower himself to the gutter and sling the mud back. Can we follow his example? I know, it will be hard.”

I know it will be hard, but I know that as we are conscious of how hard it will be we can do it. Last night has Jose and I watched John McCain speak we absolutely gained a renewed respect for him. Throughout the campaign, it was difficult to watch anything that the Republicans put on TV or to listen to any of their speeches due to the “mud slinging”. It seemed as if hate, prejudice and stereotype were going to dominate this election. However, gracefully John McCain congratulated Barack and reminded his supports and his party that we must be united; he vowed his support of OUR next president. Although, I have supported McCain in the past, I have never felt him equipped for the presidency, regardless of his time in politics, but last night he showed his true American spirit and his leadership qualities (I’m not sure about his supports at that rally however).

We, however, felt redemption, for all of us that come from “the Southside or the Westside” of cities across America, for all of us hyphen Americans that were born of immigrant parents, we felt redemption. This morning Jose and I listen to Barack’s 2004 speech at the DNC, he was the keynote speaker at that convention, and he was the relatively unknown Senator from Illinois. It moved us again; every time we hear him speak we are moved. I know for me he renews my sense of and need for accomplishment. Anything is possible, not just because of the color of his skin, but because of where he came from he did not come from privilege, and he did not have the easy road paved out for him. This kid born of an immigrant father and American mother made his own way, from Columbia University to Harvard Law always with the loving support of his family, the cornerstone of ANY success. I think to myself this could be anyone of my nephews and nieces, younger cousins, this could be anyone of my children; this could be Jose and I, any of our siblings. Life can make you cynical, you see that the road is too hard, filled with too many challenges and we can feel ill equipped so we give up at times. Barack ushers in a new era of hope, the hope that we at times feel is missing as we go on in our day to day lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I don't put all my hope in this man nor do I feel he is the only inspiration I or my family needs. I know that the real hope lies in our Savior Jesus Christ, I know that peace, love, and the caring for our neighbors is all a foundation of Christ’s teachings. But I also know that the Lord puts people in our lives to carry out his work. We all have that opportunity to be Christ-like, the challenge to be Christ-like. Judging not. I don’t know nor do I believe that Barack will solve all of this nations problems but I do know what his campaign meant and how his words have inspired positivity and unity. We will now look forward, on to his presidency with optimism, with inclusion. Barack has acknowledged that it was truly the people whose voices were heard, last night November 4, 2008!

Dr. Nance

2008-10-28T16:18:00.001-07:00

Last Friday we had our appointment with our OB, Dr. Steven Nance. We are so glad that he is our OB, he has been a big support to Jose and I, in every decision that we have made so far. He is hopeful of Eva, he doesn’t tell us that everything will be ok or that it won’t he is just hopeful and that is exactly what we need to hear at our appointments.

We heard Eva’s heartbeat and it is strong! He measured me and said that I’m measuring right on. As of right now we don’t know when we will deliver her, ideally when she is ready. Induction is not out of the question, it does remain an option but as with everything else, we are taking things one day at a time. I am feeling much better these days.Oh…as always keep us in your prayers; we thank our Heavenly Father every night for our family and our friends that have been so wonderful and supportive! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Angel Watch

2008-10-21T17:13:00.001-07:00

Last night I met with the representative of Angel Watch, the program that was recommended to Jose and I by the hospital. They are set up to help families that are dealing with diagnosis like ours in the prenatal stage. This meeting was supposed to last only an hour and went on for about 3 and no it was not just me talking. Although I was doing the majority of it but only answering the questions...LOL! We talked mostly about how Jose and I and how we are dealing with Eva's diagnosis. I was prepared for all business when she came, I guess I thought I would meet with someone that was going to help me plan for everything that would be happening to us upon Eva's birth but what I got was someone that could help us understand what we were feeling, first. What we might be feeling and reacting to but not acknowledging. We spent most of the time talking about where we came from (Jose and I), our relationship, dating, marriage, our families, how many in our family, our individual relationships, and our past experiences. I guess she (the Angel Watch lady) was really trying to get to know who we were and in what way we would need help. She gave us some tools to help us deal with our situation, suggestions, on how to talk, what to talk about, what our expectations are of this baby, baby Eva. She asked something really poignant, to each of us, she asked what our hopes were for Eva and what are fears were for her. She gave me information on how we could create memories with Eva, even though she wasn’t born yet. She left us with some homework and we said we would meet again to go over more logistical stuff in regards to the birth etc..

I think for Jose and I it is easy to sort of put aside what we are going through at times so that we could “be normal”. But its all still there, no nursery, no stroller, no planning her outfits. Sometimes the house feels baby-less. I have some of the things my sister and mom gave me in the spare room, the little bears and blankets, too. But its in another room and the door is mostly closed. The whole thing with our situation is that we don't know what is really going to happen. We just know she is not "whole" and because of that there will be problems, and the greatest possibility of a very short life, again, what kind, we don't know, exactly. I know what Jose and I need to do is deal with the situation as it is, that is where we struggle, its hard to talk about out loud sometimes. Feelings, they are hard to just blurt out..."I'm having a lousy day today because I want to be so happy that I am having a baby but I can't!!!" Days go by and it passes and Eva kicks me into shape, reminding me to focus on her. She is Diaz-Alvarez! She is a woman in charge!

I realized that the days after my appointments are the most difficult because those are the days that everything is so real. Those are the days that I am reminded that this is not a “normal” pregnancy. That the diagnosis is real, that Eva is really sick. This is where “the funk” comes in, where I want to turn around and blame myself, where I keep thinking of what I could have done or what I did to bring this on. I have to admit, for me being a talker, it is difficult for me to talk, and especially about the negative feelings I might be having. The blog helps. It is easier to write these things than it is to admit them out loud. I am not a poet nor do I posses musical talent or paint or dance (not well, anyway) but I guess I can write about what we/I am going through. Nonetheless people, I want to say I am not superwoman and I am not made of steel. I know I can break from this, I guess I am just needing everyone, including myself to handle us with care. I think we need love, kindness, thoughtfulness, attention, everything you all have been helping us with. We love you our family and friends. Those of you not afraid of us, not afraid of hard things and hard situations. Thank you! You all are our Angels too!

Ultrasound Update

2008-10-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

So this last Friday I had another ultrasound and met with the Maternal-Fetal doctor. Eva gained another pound; she was 1lb 12oz, so pretty close to 2lbs already. She only weighed about 12oz about 5 weeks ago. Her heart beat was great 156bpm and all her organs looked good and growing, I even saw some urine in her bladder. They measured her arms and her legs we saw her feet too, they look big like her daddy’s. And then, we looked at the brain and how it was developing and it looked the same, we could see the fused thalami and they showed me how a portion of her brain seemed to be missing. They also were able to show me her little cleft lip; they said that this is the facial abnormality that goes with the diagnosis. She was moving a lot during the ultrasound which was so weird to feel her twitch and see it on the big screen as well.
I spoke in detail with the doctor about all the information I had received regarding HPE and the clinical nurse I had spoken to in Texas with the Carter Centers. As well as the parents I had spoken to that were given the same diagnosis and their children. She was pretty clear that Eva could live as long as 8 weeks but she really had never seen any baby go beyond that, she told me that it is in rare cases that children survive beyond that. She admitted that she has not seen every HPE baby but the ones she has diagnosed, particularly with alobar holoprosencephaly (Eva’s diagnosis) have not lived. She wasn’t dismissive of my wanting to know more or of the information that I shared but nonetheless you still feel like you are going it alone. She reassured me that whatever the outcome UVRMC (the hospital that we are delivering at) had a wonderful and up to date NICU. We talked about Angel Watch, who I will be meeting with tonight. They will help me plan for everything; that includes from how to deliver to after delivery and depending on how Eva is doing whether we will be able to take her home or not and what kind of help is available. We also talked about delivery dates and I insisted that we would like to have her as far along as we can. Again, no concrete answers which we expected that, this is a complicated diagnosis and waiting is about the only thing we can do and plan the best we can with the information we have. Jose tells me that we only use 2% of our brain and if an adult had a brain injury that took out most of the brain (like with Eva) they would not be able to relearn everything they had lost. But with Eva she hasn’t learned anything and the brain is still pretty much a mystery. We don’t know what she might be missing if anything. I’m not sure what consolation this really is, but it brings hope.

However, I realize that leaving those appointments does affect me, I guess they are a reality check of what we are dealing with, some days I feel so strong and others I want to be carried. I guess Friday was one of the “carry me” days. I have to admit that I struggle with wanting to know why, “why exactly did this happen to her?” And as her mother and the one that is carrying her, the inevitable question of, “what did I do?” I know this is where my faith is challenged and tried. It is when you feel so responsible and helpless at the same time. As I stated before I have an appointment tonight with the Angel Watch people and another ultrasound on November 19th. Aside from the fibroids, which looked in good position, they have grown but are in good position. The next ultrasound will be monitoring Eva's head and brain, they worry with these children that fluid might devolop and cause the brain to swell, which will make delivery a problem. So they will monitor it to make sure that we will not have to deliver earlier than planned.

Family, friends, Jose and I need your prayers. Pray for us, that we may always be able to accept the Lord’s will; whether it is that Eva will live with us for some time and will have special needs or be it that we only meet her to say goodbye. Thank you for your thoughtful emails and messages they mean a lot to us!

Some new HoPE!

2008-10-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

Jose and I have just been so overwhelmed with the mercy and love the Lord has shown us through our family and church members (local family). As you could imagine every day I feel as though I need to get my mind wrapped around our situation with the baby. I have felt that I just need to get more answers then I have been getting from any doctors. On Thursday of last week I had someone send me a link to a website that dealt specifically with holoprosencephaly or HPE. I was, to say the least, blown away. There I found parent after parent with similar stories to ours but their children did not die soon after, they do have problems that are associated with HPE, severe problems. I don't know if this makes sense, but a surge of hope went through me as well as a surge of "...ok, how are we going to do this? How do I even begin to prepare for this? Did God pick the right mother?" You can't even imagine! Well this website led me to do some more online research and led me to other websites that I had heard referred to over and over again. One of them was the Carter Centers; they are the worlds foremost on HPE diagnosis. This morning I was able to speak to one of the nurses for the center, that other mom's had referred me too, her name is Nancy Clegg. She seemed to recount my story even before I had told her what the doctors had said. She told me that the reality is that, HPE in itself is not a deadly diagnosis, but it is the array of problems that could accompany it, at that varies from patient to patient. She told me that even they, who are the world’s experts on HPE, could not tell us what the outcome, exactly, would be for our child. Baby Eva has been diagnosed with Alobar HPE, which is the most severe of the 3 degrees of HPE, but even then there are children living with HPE that are in there teens, although rare, I feel that I have more questions for my physicians about that end of the scenario.
Please keep HoPE with us and continue praying with us. That the Lord will give us strength to except His will and that he will give us strength to still ask for help.

I have some websites I would love to share with you:
www.holoprsencephaly.net (go to the Meet the Kids section)
http://hpe.stanford.edu/ (go to Support & Resources then Family Pages section)
http://ourbabysean.info/
http://wearethesimmons.blogspot.com/ (there little boy is Jack)
www.familesforHoPE.org

Here are some messages that mom’s of HPE kids have sent me:

Hi!My name is Tonya. My son Kai is turning 3 this Feb! He has the same dx of Alobar HPE.My advice is take 1 day at a time and trust your instincts, and follow your heart.Take care and enjoy your pregnancy, Tonya
*****************************
Gabby,Welcome to the group. I wish you did not have to find us, but please know that you have come to a very good place to ask questions and find answers, suggestions, and advice. You will not find a more caring and generous group.HPE has historically had a poor prognosis, but there is actually a very wide range of affectedness. Modern medicine has improved survival somewhat, although many medical professionals are still not aware of this. The parents and others on this list can attest to the fact that there are many children with every level of this anomaly, including alobar, surviving and enjoying life. There is no way of knowing ahead of time what will happen.
Have you contacted the Carter Centers yet? That would be my first suggestion. They are the world's top experts in HPE, and will know more than your doctor. Nancy Clegg there will answer any email or speak to you by phone and is a wonderful source of information and comfort. You can also read many families' stories there.www.stanford. edu/group/ hpe/Nancy.Clegg@ tsrh.org
Best of luck to you in this is a hard time. Keep us posted.Susan, mom of Beth, 20, lobar
*********************
Gabby, I only have a minute, but I wanted to tell you, as others have, youare not alone. My son is Jack, and we were told he had semi lobar HPE at 27weeks. He had hydrocephalus, and a cleft lip too. They gave us NO hope. Hewas born 5 weeks early, and just after he was born, we discovered they werewrong about the HPE. We sent his MRI to Carter Centers, and were told he hadholodiencephaly too. (like Corrine).Jack is doing so well now. He is 2 and a half. It seems like yesterday, whenI sent an email just like yours to this group. At that time there was nooneelse here in Utah. I felt very alone, but these ladies were such a HUGEsupport to me. Joey, is in this group too, she lives in Sandy, I live inMurray and we would be both happy to get together with you, if you want.Primary Childrens is an AMAZING place. We have spent LOTS of time up there.Jack was delivered at St Marks, and they were amazing too. Do you know whereyou plan to deliver? My advise would be, somewhere with the highest levelNICU.Please know, most of us have been where you are. And we are here for younow. My email is ********** email me anytime.-- :-) Jenny
************************
Those are just some of the emails I received. I received a total of 9 within an 1 hour all sharing their experience with HPE diagnosis. I have so many more daily from parents.
I have an ultrasound appointment this Friday and I want to share some of these things with my doctors and ask more in depth questions. I still feel like all of this is way out of my realm of knowledge and ability but I know that Eva has only one earthly advocate right now and it’s her parents! I struggle at times to understand why Heavenly Father has chosen me to be her mother, I feel so small. But she Eva gives me this fighting power I just didn’t know I had in me, I didn't expect to love someone so much that you haven't even met yet! Regardless of how long we get to have her in our lives I want to know, I want her to know that I did all that I could to take care of her.
Thank you always for your love and prayers!
Los Peña

After our ultrasound...

2008-10-08T17:24:00.001-07:00

Well, Jose and I got another ultrasound on September the 12th and we had some conflicting news that day. As some of you know and as I've mentioned in my last post, I have been dealing with uterine fibroids. My ultrasound was to see how the baby was doing but more so to see where and in what position my fibroids were in and why they were causing me so much pain. The ultrasound confirmed position of the fibroids, which was favorable. We found out we are having a little girl. However, the ultrasound also found that our little girl has a severe birth defect called holoprosencephaly, it is a brain defect. They explained to us that they would not know exactly her condition upon birth but that she would not survive past infancy. The news has been quite devastating and has definitely tested our faith.

The doctors did give us the option of terminating the pregnancy but it was not really an option for Jose and I. In subsequent ultrasounds we had seen our daughter move, in the ultrasound of the 12th we had seen her move and breath and we saw her strong little heart. She is real. Lately we have felt her move more, in the morning she moves the most, it has been amazing to feel her little kicks or punches. I know this little one was meant to be mine and Jose's baby. She chose us to be her parents! I feel blessed if only to know that much. So we have decided to carry her as long as we possibly can. We have named her Eva Isabel Pena. Baby Eva.

It has now been a little over 3 weeks since we received our news, we have gotten a little more information. They did tell us that she could live for a few hours, days or months. It does make it more difficult to make definite plans. But I do long to hold my daughter. We've been offered support from the hospital on developing a birth plan. They have offered counseling when we need it, as well as the choice to speak with other couples that have gone through the same thing.

Jose and I have been blessed with amazing families! They have been comforters, they have been supporting and loving! We could not ask for more that we have received from our families. It has been quite a challenge to be dealing with this and being so far away in Utah but here to, we found, we have been blessed. Our ward has been wonderful and helpful. Because of the fibroid pain, there are times that I literally can do nothing but sit or lay. I have had sisters in my ward offer to cook and clean for me and Jose or simply come and keep me company. I have been feeling better in these last couple of weeks and I went back to work. But I am grateful that the help is there when we need it.

I never imagined going through something like this, Jose and I had a plan. Well its funny that we can plan all that we want but the plan meant for us is not always what we think. I will have my good days and I will have my bad days, I know. But at this time I just ask that our friends and our family think of us, pray for us and Baby Eva. We can feel your love and prayers, believe me!

I will try to post more often, I will try to add pictures. Thank you for your friendship, love and suppport.

Los Pena

15 Week old baby Pena

2008-09-05T11:53:00.001-07:00

End of summer...start of a new semeter!

2008-09-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

So Jose really didn't have a summer away from Provo. We did get to go camping, which was so much fun, we went hiking in Provo canyon, took in some holiday parades and we did all of this with NO camera, smart, huh? We are looking at our camera options and hopefully will get it ASAP, before the baby comes. Jose took spring term and summer term, he did get a two week break but basically worked full-time during that break. I got to go to AZ this summer for two weeks to visit my family in Tucson and his in Phoenix, time seemed to fly by and I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see. I drove A LOT! I missed my husband like crazy! I don't think we will ever spend that much time away from each other again! I was so anxious to go home to AZ that I didn't realize how much I would miss Jose. When I got back we got to go to California to visit my sister and to check out Loma Linda School of Medicine. We had a great time at my sister and brother-in-law's. She threw us a little BBQ and invited some of her friends, she has such wonderful friends and we really felt welcomed into their circle.

We had a few challenging months early on where we were certainly tested. It took us a little bit to realize that we just needed to work harder on strengthening our faith and serve more. We are so grateful for how well cared for, we feel extremely blessed. All of our prayers were answered and our worries seemed for nothing, the Lord has cared for us and continues to do so. Jose got a great job at the MTC, teaching Portuguese. We received the grants we we're hoping for from financial aid and he was dually rewarded for his dedication to his studies with an academic scholarship! I am so proud of my husband! This semester is going to be a tough one, he has 8 classes, work and well a pregnant wife! Whatever happens we know that as long as we do our best and continue to serve, we will be happy.

The pregnancy is coming along, we found out that I have quite a few fibroids growing in the lining of my uterus, at first I was scared cause I didn't know what that was or how it would affect the baby. So far things have been normal, I just am getting bigger faster. So I'm dealing with the usual pregnant lady stuff, back pain, swollen feet (sometimes), I'm tired etc... I do have to recognize my limits and that has been challenging cause I always feel like I have so much to do and forget I'm pregnant. This weekend the doctor did put me on bed rest, I guess to remind me that I am pregnant. We get an other ultrasound next friday to see if everything continues to be ok with the baby and to see how the fibroids are developing. I will try to keep everyone informed on our progress and I will try to put up as many pictures as I can. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and love.

Day to day

2008-07-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

Not too much has transpired since my last blog. On July 9th I had a birthday, so when my little one is born I'll be 33 years old going on 34! As of yesterday we are 11 weeks pregnant and things seem to be going well and normal. So as you may or may not know that means mood swings are in full effect, back aches have begun to be a daily thing, frequent urination, being so tired at the end of the day you wish you could take naps about every hour. All the normal stuff, I have been very fortunate that I have not had any "morning sickness" some nausea here and there but it is very light and manageable, thank you mom! Our dog Jeter is always following me around and always wanting to lay on my belly. He is such a sweetheart and I can see will be a little protector for our baby! Jose finished his spring term and is now in the middle of his summer term, school is challenging and a lot of work but Jose seems to be keeping up and doing a great job. I'm told that the second trimester is going to be my more productive of the trimesters, so I'm looking forward to maybe being a little more clear in my thinking and to getting my memory back. I've been so forgetful lately.

Our life otherwise is quite normal and non dramatic. Things are good! We know that once our little one comes life as we know it will change!

And then there were three...

2008-06-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

we find ourselves further down our adventure than we expected, but very happy nonetheless! Today we went to doctor and confirmed our newest member of the family. Jose and I are about 9 weeks pregnant today and very excited about our little one.

We were very excited to start our family right away not expecting that right away meant 4 months into our marriage. We know that we have a long road ahead of us and lots of wonderful and trying times on that road. I want to be able to take you all with us as we go along. We can always use your love and prayers.

Besos,

Los Peña

Welcome Blogspot!!!

2008-06-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

So I got the idea to blog from ….like a million people. It seems that everyone blogs and I needed to jump on the bandwagon. Ok, so you know that’s not my style. I thought it would be a great way for our family and friends to read about how our little family is doing…and growing. I will become a lot more computer savvy and get some pictures up for everyone to see, maybe even video…WoooHooo.
Ok so we have been in Provo since January of this year and experienced our first snow and it was beautiful. It was beautiful to see all the streets and trees and cars and sidewalks covered in snow it was like heaven. And then we ventured outside and it wasn’t as fun as we thought it might be and the novelty wore off! While here we have had to do a lot of adjusting to these changes especially not having family or friends around and I guess I was feeling like I was starting over again. Jose had to quickly jump into a demanding school schedule, work and of course, Mariachi. The Mariachi is what kept him sane I think. Jeter and I got to spend a lot of alone time together and well he’s clingier now than ever. After the winter semester was done, we went to Portland at the end of April. It was wonderful, going on our 1st vacation together. We figured out we are good traveling companions. We got to go to the Oregon Zoo, Chinese garden, rode on the light rail there and walked so much that I had to buy new shoes. Jose had a Ruben for the first time at an English pub in the city and he loved it! Portland was so green and lush. We stayed at Siovhan and David’s house which was gorgeous and so cozy. We hung out with Maggie and Maura, Siovhan and David’s little girls, they are the sweetest little girls you’ll meet with these beautiful bright eyes. While in Portland we also went to the Portland temple and got to do a session. On Sunday we went to church at a building nearby Siovhan’s house they had the best community of members of the church you could find. Portland was a nice break to Jose’s rigorous winter semester and my winter blues. In May we surprised my family and went home for the weekend for a baseball game where both my brothers got to throw out the first pitch. We got to eat Eegee’s and Peter Piper Pizza, my favorite.
Well, Jose has chosen to pursue medicine as a career so he will continue to have academic demands made on him for a long time to come and we will have our adventures somewhere in between. I will keep you all abreast. I guess this blog will be more from my point of view and maybe I’ll get him to submit something here and there. Thanks for checking in….
Los Peña